To live, to die and in between.

I am 30 years old today.

I wonder how much longer I have to live.

And I wonder what else God has planned for me in that time.

There are days when I feel each second lasts too long. And there are times I wonder where the hours went.

I wonder sometimes whether I'm living my life how it should be lived. Whether I'm wasting the life God has given me.

My grandmother passed away recently. She lived to a ripe old age of 90.

Her death is a very strong reminder to our family, that we're not going to be here forever. Even if sometimes it feels like that.

Every now and then my mind randomly thinks about her, and for a moment I'd feel sad, but in the end, I feel like she's in a better place. 

I think the whole family feels that. 

I used to be quite afraid to say what I felt, and somewhere deep inside I felt weak for that.

In part this blog was created because of that. Because I had things in my head that I wished to say out loud, but could not due to some reason, or did not have anyone to say it to.

Nowadays, it is the opposite. 

I say what I mean and I mean what I say, often times without thinking of the consequences.

I sometimes say or do things people are thinking, but are afraid of doing.

I now sometimes wonder if that's a good thing.

My wife tells me I should always evaluate your audience; very few people want to hear the ugly truth.

Most of us live in denial, and we're happy with that.

I've realized that due to my brutal honesty sometimes, not everyone wants to be friends.

I've probably lost a few potential friends along the way because of this.

We are who we are, at the end of the day. Even if I wanted to be this nice friendly person that everyone liked, it probably goes against my true self.

I never was very good at lying, even less so when I need to lie to myself.

I'm happy with who I turned out to be. Everyone has their flaws, and it is our own personal struggle to overcome our flaws until the day we die.

Till the next one.

Contradiction

I always have things to say, yet when I write them down, they never sound quite as nice as I would like them to.

Perhaps it's not something I'm gifted with. Perhaps it's the introvert. Who can tell.

I'm not entirely sure what changed, but I never have the urge to write anymore.

I feel like it is wisdom, and it is age.

Age has made me into a mostly quiet person, not really caring whether he makes friends or keeps to himself.

Wisdom, which came with age, has taught me that not everything I think needs to be said, even less so shall actually benefit the human race.

I've realized that I'm most likely not as special as I thought / think I am, but life has taught me that if I put my mind to it, I can achieve what I thought was previously impossible.

I contradict myself quite often.

Perhaps that's where the secret of the world lies. In contradiction.

We try to make sense using our limited minds on what is right and what is wrong, perhaps we won't ever realize that maybe when both right and wrong are the same, is when we find the truth we seek.

In order to go beyond the limits of our limited mind, we must first discover what those limits are. What binds us to this passing plane, and what sets us free. Once we know ourselves, only then can we begin to comprehend what is beyond our understanding.

One can only imagine, and hope for the best.

Magic

It has been awhile, has it not?

I've been busy. With unexpected matters.

Unexpected, but not unpleasant.

I consider myself very lucky indeed.

Or perhaps it was always meant to be.

More proof that we can't really predict what God has in store for us.

I was quite ready to move on.

Turn over a new page.

But something made me stay.

Something unwritten, something unsaid.

Perhaps it was blind hope.

Amidst all the confusion, who can tell?

But before the departure, I was sure.


There was something there that wasn't there before.

Try as I might, it was something I couldn't ignore.


And while we were apart, that feeling just felt stronger.

Is it because distance makes the heart grow fonder?


Whatever it was, I knew I wanted her near.

And when I came back, everything became clear.

Though I was too silly to see it, perhaps out of fear.


The walls have come down, she's letting me in.

The next chapter in this story was about to begin.


I've loved her for what felt like an eternity.

And now finally she says that she loves me.


I'm over the moon, I'm beyond ecstatic.

Every day from then feels like magic.


But we're still human, sometimes we bicker, sometimes we fight.

Deep down inside, I know we'll get thru it alright.


I apologize sincerely for all my imperfections,

Know that upsetting you is never my intention.


I better stop before the other readers barf,

but I honestly feel I've found my other half.


You truly are the love of my life,

and I look forward to making you my wife.

My previous posts (assuming other people still read it) have been quite depressing, and it annoys me that I can't write any posts while happy (which is partly why there have not been any new posts for quite awhile), so I decide to go crazy and write something like this.

I smile by myself sometimes thinking of the weird twists of fate that led me to this point in my life. And I often wonder what would've happened if the circumstances were even the slightest bit different. Would things have not turned out the way they did?

It is a scary thought.

I used to think I was quite brave, very few things scare me. But now I realize I'm just human. I was just not exposed to the things normal people are scared of.

I am still new to this whole serious relationship thing, but I'm learning and trying to make it work. I realize that I still have a long way to go. Perhaps it is a lifelong learning process. I feel like it is.

I started writing this yesterday, and even in this short period of time, there has been changes in my mindset. I suppose we all are constantly evolving, and thus why we need to constantly adapt.

I have learnt a lot about myself and about her along the way as well. She surprises me, and I surprise myself as well at times. Much to learn, we both have.

Pray for us.

Peace.

Ad hoc

What shall I complain about next.

I was so engrossed in one problem, I did not realize the rug was slowly being pulled from underneath me.

And at the very last moment, tugged with such force that it made me fall on my back.

Stunned.

Unsure of how to react.

Life never goes the way you planned it.

You can never plan for the things you did not anticipate.

We are limited in our knowledge of things that would happen.

I'm overthinking it.

Coupled with the other problem, my brain is a downright mess right now.

It did not affect me that badly in the beginning, but now that I let it, I can't seem to break free of these shackles on my brain.

I need to realize in both problems, there is almost nothing I can do that I have not already done, and just see things through.

Such a mess, I am.

How did I become this way.

I had no problems whatsoever in life. I was just minding my own business.

And then life decided to take a turn for the worse.

You could say that I was partly to blame. Yes, that's true.

But I don't believe I had a choice.

Enough thinking. There's been too much of that already.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to live my life as carefree as can be.

No more pointless non-stop pondering on what would be the best course of action.

No more ridiculous imaginings of fictitious scenarios.

No more of all these nonsense that make me stressed out for no real reason.

No more stressing out on what could be, what might be, and what will be.

I shall live my life the way it should be lived.

In reality. Not in my head.

Whatever happens, happens.

Plans work only to a certain extent.

Time to live in the moment.

Peace.

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After posting this initially, I decided to read some of my posts from the previous months, and I'm so glad I did. I was an absolute wreck back then. This is nothing. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be fine. Also, reading the previous posts makes me feel like such a sap, so that means I've recovered tremendously well. Yeay! Here's to further improvement in my mental health. Haha.