Thursday, February 6, 2014

Grow Up

These past few days, I've developed a habit where I would take a short nap before my bedtime and I would suddenly wake up in the middle of the night somewhat fresh from the said nap, and can't continue the sleep I will so desperately crave the next day at work.

Thus I decided to pour my thoughts here. Perhaps clearing the mind would allow the body to fall asleep.

Hello 2014. You have been great so far. I just came back from umrah. It was a good trip, for both body and soul.

But even before that, I noticed that this year would be different from all the other years.

In December, I turned 25. 

A friend pointed out to me that we both were turning 26 this year. 4 years before we turn 30. We need to have a game plan, can't just keep goofing around and going with the flow.

I agreed, I needed to form a game plan, not just a plan of video games I wished to play.

All my life, I somehow felt I grew up too fast. Not that I had a bad childhood or anything, I had a great childhood, just that sometimes I feel as though I'm being given these responsibilities even though I still feel like a child.

The skipping of standard 4 and going straight to standard 5 might have something to do with it, but I doubt that's the only reason.

Even in secondary school, matriculation, university, working life, I felt as though I'm still this child stuck in this adult body, and supposed to do adult stuff like pay taxes, pay bills, work to earn a living etc.

I've always felt it, but everyone around me was treating me like an adult, so I suppose I had to act like one.

But after my birthday, I felt different. I felt as if now I AM an adult. I've grown up. Spiritually maybe? My consciousness finally caught up with my physical self.

There is an opinion that our bodies are merely vessels, space suits, if you will, whereas we are the soul and the soul needs to be in the space suit in order to live in this realm.

Feels like it's the truth. To me at least.

There is no big difference in this aging of the spirit, just that I no longer feel that uneasiness when I realize I'm an adult, and most of my friends are married and some with children.

To a certain degree, marriage scares me. Because it is meant to be a permanent thing.

But upon thinking and thinking about this concept which I will some day have to embrace, I've decided that it will be a positive change in my life. Gives me a sort of stability, I suppose.

Up to today, I don't think there's anything I've chosen that's permanent to that extent.

Job? Can always change to a new one.

Degree? I can always go for another one. Or go crazy and do something totally unrelated. Which is not that crazy actually.

Friends / acquaintances? Some stay, some leave.

People come and go. 

Not too long ago, I went to an old friend's wedding. I have not seen him for years. Therefore I was excited to see him. We were quite close as children, you see.

After eating and before leaving, I went to see him. I was very happy to meet him after so long and also very happy for him.

But the feeling did not seem mutual.

He saw me, but was a bit preoccupied with his tengkolok being adjusted by the photographer.

After a few shots, he shook my hand. Barely making eye contact, he asked me whether I had eaten or not. 

I said yes, straining to maintain the smile that was so effortlessly formed minutes ago.

He casually introduced me to his wife as a friend from school. The wife seemed to give me more attention than he did.

He then proceeded to greet other guests that came, his current friends perhaps.

I awkwardly said goodbye and hurriedly left the scene.

He is busy, he is tired, I told myself.

It's been 10 years or so since you last met, I reminded myself.

Still I could not help feeling sad and embarrassed.

People forget.

I sometimes forget that.

...

People move on.

I should too.

..

I've been dwelling on the past. Too much.

Time to move on.

.

Time to grow up.

Peace.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

That's A Wrap.

I've been dwelling a lot on the past. Apparently it's one of the things mentally strong people don't do.

There were other things in that list that I do. I sometimes do resent other people's success. But it's becoming less and less nowadays.

I do get jealous sometimes, but when I think about it, why should I be? I should be happy for them for being successful, and work on my success. Other people's achievements does not take away my chance of succeeding and if anything, it's an indication of what I should work towards. God knows best.

But I've been dwelling a lot on the past. Thinking what happened in the past, wondering what could've been..

So I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. But I'm working on that. Here's to the present and the future.

We're nearing the end of the year. I realized I didn't make any new year's resolutions this year, so I can't say whether I've achieved my targets. But I did do some pretty cool stuff this year, I think.

I went to Universal Studios Singapore early in the year, pretty cool place to go. Things are super expensive there, not everything is halal, and if you do go, getting the express pass is totally worth the extra 50 SGD. Unless you don't mind queuing more than half the time (which was what I did).

Tried wall-climbing and laser tag for the first time this year. Laser tag is very tiring but super fun, wall-climbing needs a whole lot of upper body strength, which I don't really have, plus the fear of heights isn't helping.

Mid year, I was promoted to Engineer. Pretty cool, but it's just a title, I still have loads I don't know.

I joined a 10 km run and a 5 km run this year. Can't believe I was able to finish the 10km, but it took a whole lot of training, and even then I took longer than expected.

Just a few weeks ago, I joined a treasure hunt with some friends, and managed to get 3rd place! Which was cool since I rarely win stuff. Also worth mentioning, I won a RM50 Starbucks Gift Card with my knowledge on movies at a company party. Hoho. Who says watching movies is a waste of time?

And of course, last but not least,..

I went to Korea! Initially it was supposed to be a trip to Cambodia, and truth be told, I barely had enough money to go there. Then, out of nowhere, my cousin called me up and asked whether I wanted an all-expense paid trip to Korea. He won it as an incentive from his company for doing so well, but it's for only one person, so since he's married and just had a baby, he decides to pass it to me.

Er, I'm gonna have to go with.. a hell yeah. Had already bought my tickets to Cambodia though, can't return them and don't have enough days off to go to both places, so that's RM700 down the drain. You win some, you lose some.

Catch with Korea is, I'll be going with a group of people I absolutely do not know, which for an introvert is a very scary situation. Also, I'll be in a 6 hour flight. I'm afraid of heights. Flights are scary for me.

I've been trying / doing things out of my comfort zone the whole year, so this would be the ultimate one, kill two birds with one stone.

Three actually, coz foreign places are well, foreign and that feeling of not knowing anything about something is also kinda scary for me. Apart from having very pretty boys for artists, I know nothing about Korea.

Yeah, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I just hide it well, I suppose.

Long story short, it was a nice trip. I managed to overcome my fear of flights, there was slight turbulence on the flight, but I was way too tired, and I thought if I was on the ground and hit bumps like this, I'd barely notice it, so I ignored it and got over my fear of that. Which is great.

I managed to mix with the people I didn't know, had to share a bed with a guy I barely knew, but ultimately everyone was cool. I was scared for nothing.

It was in Autumn, so the temperature in Korea was quite cold, reaching up to 0 degrees Celcius. I didn't know anything about Korea, but we did go there with a guide, and she was very friendly, so it was easy to ask her anything. Korea is pretty, mostly because of the colourful trees in Autumn.

I suppose I should upload some pics. Here ya go. Pics are all from my phone, no edits coz I'm too lazy. heh.


First stop : Nami Island.

Some praying snowmen (I think) in Nami

More pretty trees in Nami Island.

Traditional house in Nami.

Some guy taking a picture of himself.
Me in front of the hotel I stayed in the first night.

Mt Sorak National Park.

I was told that this was how they make wishes. They stack these stones like this and make a wish. You can see these all over Korea.

Entertainment hall (I think) at Gyeongbokgung Palace.
Le awkward me.

Another tree.


So many Malaysians here, someone opened a Malaysian restaurant.

I sneaked away from tour group shopping (yawns) and went exploring.

I'm not sure what they call these things in English, but it's unique.

Some building in the center of Seoul.

Loads of universities within Seoul itself.

A K-Pop cow I found in Seoul.

One of the more expensive shopping complexes.

Managed to go see their lantern festival on my last night there.



So that was this year. Pretty good year I would say. I guess I shouldn't be dwelling too much on the past, with so many exciting things happening this year, and loads more to come next year.

No philosophical post this time. Hehe.

Cheers.

Peace.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Adult stuff.

at last i have internet.

rejoice loyal followers! for I am back!



...

but seriously though, it's great to have internet back. there's just not much that I can do without internet. I barely ever turn on my computer without it.

there were days where i actually did all my laundry and chores because i was just sitting down doing nothing and thought i should use my free time better.

yeah, really, i was that bored.

I even got myself to join a 10km run recently. and managed to finish. and got myself a medal. haha.

YEAH I WAS THAT BORED.

never in my wildest dreams did i imagine myself paying money to go running around. and i could not imagine myself running 10km. because i tire quite easily.

but i suppose it was all in my head. don't get me wrong, i was running very slowly, grandpas were overtaking me, but i managed to finish.

which is a great achievement for me. I wanted something, and I worked for it.

I went training almost every week. I started running just 3 km at first, and slowly worked my way up.

Next I'm going to a faraway country with people I don't know. But more on that after I've actually returned, I suppose.

I've grown my hair long. Previously I wanted to let it grow, but was afraid it wouldn't look professional or what, so I cut it.

But a colleague kept it long, and since he's not getting any trouble for it, I thought I'd keep it long too. Not like I meet clients on a daily basis or anything, I just do my own work at my own table, so I'm guessing no problems there.

But even as I'm typing, the wind from the fan is blowing the hair into my eyes, and I'm kinda not used to that. Haha. Guess I should get a... cekak. whatever the heck you call it in english.

I googled, hairband. lol. I've never actually needed it before, so yeah...

I can't predict life. Haha. I thought I could, but turns out, I can't. I can never tell what's going to happen. Just when I think I had everything figured out, it turns the other way.

Sometimes I'm confused. Not in the "guys look cute" way, but not sure in what I really want. Guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was.

It's funny, not knowing what you want. You'd think you of all people should be an expert of what you want. But no. Once you get something, you think to yourself, I don't like this so much.

So I'm keeping my options open. I'm trying new things. Doing weird stuff. Because who knows, maybe the things I dislike are the things that I actually will like.

I suppose this is part of growing up. Deep inside, I still feel like a child. I've been working for 3 years, I'm a quarter of a century old. And thinking that the next logical step in life is to get married and start a family is scary. I feel that it's not time yet.

Sometimes I read articles in the newspaper and I see "24 year old celebrity to wed some rich dude". My initial thought is, so young, barely knowing herself, barely living life, and already getting married.

But perhaps I'm looking at it from a different angle. Perhaps getting married is a way of getting to know yourself and experiencing life. Also, I think girls are programmed to get married early.

Yeah, because there are girls in my university previously that have targets. "OK before graduation I'm gonna find my future husband. Find future husband, graduate, work mediocre job for awhile, get married, have cute babies, live happily ever after".

Well, at least that's what it looked like to me.

Here's my target when I got into the university.

"Graduate".

Yeah, guys are simpler. I didn't go out looking for girls, didn't really have a target for my studies, didn't really think about what I want to do afterwards. Nope. Just wanted to graduate. So I wouldn't waste my money and my parent's money. So that I could get a job afterwards.

After graduation, the target was find job. Job acquired. Wasn't all that picky. Just picked the first one I got. Now what?

"Get a girlfriend and get married and have babies"

Not so easy... Lol.

I'm very picky and choosy. Also, girls are very picky and choosy. Also, girls are very difficult to deal with. hahaha.

Maybe I'm just suited for the single life. But the prospect of growing old alone is a scary one. And I'd hate to disappoint my parents by not giving them grandchildren.

I'm starting to think that maybe one day I'll say, "Screw it, I'll marry this girl, que sera sera". Get it over  and done with.

Not very romantic, I know.

Ignoring the fact that getting married is super expensive and it'll probably be years before I'd be able to afford such a luxury, I've tried and I have yet to find this feeling that says "this person is the person I wanna spend my life with" that I've been hearing about.

Or maybe most people aren't so picky and just grab the first choice that they get and make do with what they have.

Which I feel is stupid. It's such a permanent decision, how can you just "make do"? But I would say I understand why people still do it.

Trying is hard. Failing is harder. Eventually you recover, but you'll not be the same. You're changed, scarred perhaps. A sobering reminder of what might happen again, that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it gets dark. And you're stuck there, desperately clawing in the darkness. Trying to find an escape. When there is none.

Some people I have observed cannot survive without their significant other. It's as if their entire existence is solely for the purpose of having a partner, and without one their life would be meaningless. Which is why some girls (most of the time) jump from one relationship to another, regardless of whether it is with a good or bad partner.

I think this is pathetic. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person. I know that people depend on other people in the course of our daily lives, but to constantly depend on someone is highly unappealing for me. I like to be independent.

I hate talking about this kind of stuff, but I suppose I'm no longer a child and as an adult am expected to delve into the matter. Need to grow up... And talk about adult stuff...

Not that kind of adult stuff. haha.

Money isn't everything, but everything is money. There are things in life I wish to own / do, but money is a limiting factor. And that comes down to two things : job or family. Either you need to get yourself a high-paying job, or be lucky enough to be born into a rich family.

You could of course be gold digger, but that's just stupid. haha.

My job pays well, I suppose. I get by. There are other people that earn more than me, of course, but I can't complain. I have all I need, plus some extra. Truth is, you can never have enough money. Never. You'll always be thinking of things you could buy, and once you've bought them, you'll be looking forward to buying other stuffs. Haha.

So I'm content with what I have for now. Don't have to be a billionaire overnight. haha. Sometimes I tend to rush life. I want things to move at a faster pace. I forget that in life it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. The journey is the most important part.

Enjoy life, enjoy the journey, the destination is the same for everyone, regardless of who you are.

Peace.





Monday, September 9, 2013

Words.

More often than I would care to admit, I would write posts, and half-way through, read them and scrap the post altogether.

I read it once, and I hate how it sounds in my head, even though it came from my head.

Quite recently I browsed through a book by Paulo Coelho (an accomplished writer, I think) and I found out that he too hates what he writes most of the time.

Well at least I have the self-deprecation of an actual writer. Haha. Now just need the actual talent.

I don't know, the words never really flow the way I want it to.

But hey, at least I've improved tremendously since I first started writing.

I've done away with the paragraphs (mostly) and gone with the short sentence format because if it was me reading, I hate to see lengthy paragraphs. It just seems to troublesome to read.

I mostly skim through stuff. Rarely read through each and every line. I suppose I'm not a very good reader.

To read something in thorough detail, you'd have to really care, really take the time to read. And I think that most of what we read every day does not get that kind of attention from us.

Let alone a blog post such as mine.

Life has been picking up its tempo recently. Many things are happening, and at the same time, when before, nothing ever really happens.

Life just goes on.

Work has been picking up. I'll not bore you with details, but I have been working late nights to get things done. Which is actually a good thing. As compared to leaving on time but doing nothing at all.

It feels great to know you're doing something significant. You're contributing.


On the negative side, stress comes with the work, and if I'm not careful, it will affect the way I think, so I try to alleviate it when it becomes noticeable.

Also I've not shaved for two weeks or so. My moustache and goatee has grown back to its former glory.

I previously opted for the clean-shaven look, leaving just a little bit of my goatee. But being influenced by this TV show Breaking Bad, I'm now certain that looking bad-ass is the way to go.

Besides work, I've decided to break out of my comfort zone and try new things. I signed up for a 10-km run. Which I've never done in my entire life.

I wanna get healthier. I want to build up my stamina. And I think this is a good way of seeing if I'm making progress from all the jogs I've taken the past year.

I've also pushed myself to be more social. I'm forcing myself to overcome situations which I normally feel would be awkward. So far it has been successful / rewarding.

Nothing in life worth having comes easy.

So I would say, right now, life is good. Life is looking up.

I've always taken pride in being able to read people, but I'm finding it more and more difficult. People just aren't that easy to figure out anymore.

Either that or I've become too much of a pessimist. I assume the worst in everybody, but I often find myself surprised.

But I suppose that is my self-defense mechanism.

I have this theory, on why suddenly everything is falling into place. Life begins at 25.

Well, my life at least.

I feel that some things are expected of me, and when I turn 25, I'm supposed to do these things. Or accomplish something. Or put something in motion.

It's just that feeling, you know? That nagging feeling, deep down inside. You know what I'm talking about.

I turn 25 this December. I'm still not certain on what it is exactly I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm certain next year is the time I'll find out.

The world has a way of correcting stuff out, and I believe it isn't a coincidence that my life is the way it is now.

As any other person that cannot predict his future, I worry. Worry is a good thing. Means you care about what it is your worried about.

So when you're worried about something, do something about it. Make something happen.

It is better to worry about the outcome of things that you've done, rather than worry on something you're not doing anything about.

If you're hungry, you don't just stay like that and hope the hunger goes away. You grab a bite.

Worry works in the same way. Only thing is, there's only so much you can do. The rest is not up to you.

Till next time.

Peace.