Sunday, December 31, 2017

Magic

It has been awhile, has it not?

I've been busy. With unexpected matters.

Unexpected, but not unpleasant.

I consider myself very lucky indeed.

Or perhaps it was always meant to be.

More proof that we can't really predict what God has in store for us.

I was quite ready to move on.

Turn over a new page.

But something made me stay.

Something unwritten, something unsaid.

Perhaps it was blind hope.

Amidst all the confusion, who can tell?

But before the departure, I was sure.


There was something there that wasn't there before.

Try as I might, it was something I couldn't ignore.


And while we were apart, that feeling just felt stronger.

Is it because distance makes the heart grow fonder?


Whatever it was, I knew I wanted her near.

And when I came back, everything became clear.

Though I was too silly to see it, perhaps out of fear.


The walls have come down, she's letting me in.

The next chapter in this story was about to begin.


I've loved her for what felt like an eternity.

And now finally she says that she loves me.


I'm over the moon, I'm beyond ecstatic.

Every day from then feels like magic.


But we're still human, sometimes we bicker, sometimes we fight.

Deep down inside, I know we'll get thru it alright.


I apologize sincerely for all my imperfections,

Know that upsetting you is never my intention.


I better stop before the other readers barf,

but I honestly feel I've found my other half.


You truly are the love of my life,

and I look forward to making you my wife.

My previous posts (assuming other people still read it) have been quite depressing, and it annoys me that I can't write any posts while happy (which is partly why there have not been any new posts for quite awhile), so I decide to go crazy and write something like this.

I smile by myself sometimes thinking of the weird twists of fate that led me to this point in my life. And I often wonder what would've happened if the circumstances were even the slightest bit different. Would things have not turned out the way they did?

It is a scary thought.

I used to think I was quite brave, very few things scare me. But now I realize I'm just human. I was just not exposed to the things normal people are scared of.

I am still new to this whole serious relationship thing, but I'm learning and trying to make it work. I realize that I still have a long way to go. Perhaps it is a lifelong learning process. I feel like it is.

I started writing this yesterday, and even in this short period of time, there has been changes in my mindset. I suppose we all are constantly evolving, and thus why we need to constantly adapt.

I have learnt a lot about myself and about her along the way as well. She surprises me, and I surprise myself as well at times. Much to learn, we both have.

Pray for us.

Peace.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Ad hoc

What shall I complain about next.

I was so engrossed in one problem, I did not realize the rug was slowly being pulled from underneath me.

And at the very last moment, tugged with such force that it made me fall on my back.

Stunned.

Unsure of how to react.

Life never goes the way you planned it.

You can never plan for the things you did not anticipate.

We are limited in our knowledge of things that would happen.

I'm overthinking it.

Coupled with the other problem, my brain is a downright mess right now.

It did not affect me that badly in the beginning, but now that I let it, I can't seem to break free of these shackles on my brain.

I need to realize in both problems, there is almost nothing I can do that I have not already done, and just see things through.

Such a mess, I am.

How did I become this way.

I had no problems whatsoever in life. I was just minding my own business.

And then life decided to take a turn for the worse.

You could say that I was partly to blame. Yes, that's true.

But I don't believe I had a choice.

Enough thinking. There's been too much of that already.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to live my life as carefree as can be.

No more pointless non-stop pondering on what would be the best course of action.

No more ridiculous imaginings of fictitious scenarios.

No more of all these nonsense that make me stressed out for no real reason.

No more stressing out on what could be, what might be, and what will be.

I shall live my life the way it should be lived.

In reality. Not in my head.

Whatever happens, happens.

Plans work only to a certain extent.

Time to live in the moment.

Peace.

_____________________________________________________________

After posting this initially, I decided to read some of my posts from the previous months, and I'm so glad I did. I was an absolute wreck back then. This is nothing. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be fine. Also, reading the previous posts makes me feel like such a sap, so that means I've recovered tremendously well. Yeay! Here's to further improvement in my mental health. Haha.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Confused

I am now confused.

I must profess, I thought I got this whole thing figured out.

But seems I don't.

Seems there's things happening that I don't understand.

I thought that the story was over.

That I should just move on as quickly as I can.

But perhaps that was only the beginning.

A few weeks ago, she started to get closer.

We start to text more. We talk on the phone more.

We talk about more things.

At first I thought she's just being nice.

Perhaps trying to comfort me, soften the blow, so to speak.

But I find myself at times comforting her.

Nothing a friend wouldn't do, I thought.

Do I find myself being closer to her now than before?

Yes, but that's probably just a friend thing, nothing more.

She still doesn't see me in that way, I thought.

But there's something else there.

Something that was not there before.

The way she looks at me. The way she talks to me.

The words that she uses.

How we'd go out as a group and when we walk I'd find her next to me.

The way she grabs my arm.

The way she rests her head on my shoulder for the briefest of moment.

As if wanting something, but not wanting to show it.

Truth be told, I shrugged it off as her being overly friendly at first.

Like I said, as I understand it, she said no. And that was the end of it.

But when other people start noticing it, I began to wonder.

Maybe something did change.

Maybe there's still hope.

And that made me happy.

But afraid at the same time.

Perhaps I'm just fooling myself.

Perhaps it's just wishful thinking.

But if there's even the tiniest chance, I know I could not help myself.

So I waited. And waited.

Until I could not hold it in any longer.

So I asked.

I asked if there was something there.

Or if I'm just imagining things.

You did not give me an answer.

Neither a yes or a no.

Which has left me saddened and confused.

Not a particularly spectacular combo.

My mind is on overdrive, trying to decipher every single word, every single action.

But in the end, I can only guess.

I can't ever have a final answer.

Now it feels like the walls that were crumbling, are now being rebuilt.

You hide behind them, as you did before.

Perhaps you're afraid. And I do not blame you if you are.

I only wish you'd give it a try. An actual earnest try.

But for now, I find myself waiting outside these walls.

Hoping. Waiting. Wishing.

You'd let me in someday.

Peace.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Fine Line

Ever since I started exercising regularly, I feel significantly more energetic. 

I find myself driven to do things I normally wouldn't do.

I went on the world's fastest roller coaster, and the roller coaster with the world's tallest loop.

I'd never imagine myself doing this sort of thing. People change I suppose.

I want to go skydiving next! Haha crazy. No solid plans, just dreams for now.

I'm doing a whole lot of travelling this year. Business and leisure. Good stuff.

I'm now in a complicated situation socially, where I'm trying to be friends with someone that said no to me. 

For me right now, there is a very fine line between being just friends and letting those old feelings take control again.

At times this does feel stupid. But, I don't have much of a choice. I can't sever ties.

We're in a very closely-knit group. At least that's what I tell myself most of the time.

Maybe a small part of me doesn't want to break it off completely.

That's most likely it. 

I'm no longer sad. But the feeling I have for her lingers on.

I don't know how to get rid of it.

I don't think I ever will.

Unless I find someone else or she does.

And maybe then it will still be there.

How horrible that must be like.

I try not to think too much about it. 

A colleague commented that I'm quieter now. I appear to be lost in thought.

He asked me whether I was thinking about work, or thinking about love.

There's not much to think about both really. But the mind does wander.

Him and me, we have very different personalities.

He's 14 years my senior. He's more of a perfectionist and a extrovert. Very passive personality.

Annoys me to the max when it comes to work. 

Undecisive, slow, overthinks things.

Too nice sometimes.

Very different ways of working. I do not want to be like him 14 years from now.

However, he does teach me a lot about patience. Which I have very little for when it comes to work.

He also teaches me how to be more detail-oriented. Which is time-consuming but definitely a valuable trait to have.

Also, he probably has a more likeable personality to most people. Which is definitely something I can work on. Lol.

That's about all I can think of right now. Keeping it short this time round.

Peace.