Saturday, June 27, 2015

Mind Maze Worded Weirdly

The feeling is either there or it isn't.

There's no forcing it. 

Do I give up too easily?

Or am I fundamentally flawed? Unable to exist in a long term arrangement?

Forever seeking the excitement of new endeavours?

I'm complicated. 

One of a kind? Heh. I'm sure there's plenty of me out there.

All traipsing through life, without proper purpose, living out the life given.

Foolishly wasting away.

Perhaps this is my destiny. Which among us truly knows?

Hope lives on. As long as the heart stays beating. 

The struggle continues.

There is no escaping ourselves.

We are our own worst enemy.

Forever bound until our dying breath.

Looking back at the bridges burnt, I feel remorse.

What will happen when I stumble onto another hapless bridge? 

Would fear overcome me and I decide to stay on this side?

Or would I still cross in seeking the greener grass?

Move forward and hope for the best.

Sometimes we say things we don't mean, and sometimes I hope I mean the things I say.

Apology is just another to be thrown around, but this one comes sincere.

I wish you a better life. All of you.

It's not me. It's you. 

At least that's what I tell myself.

Peace.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Munafiq

I feel that I am a hypocrite.

I appear to be a decent person to the public. When only God knows how indecent I am when hidden from public sight. And how indecent I am inside my thoughts.

God has spared me of the embarrassment of my true self being exposed to the public. My thoughts are my own.

I try to be a better person. I reflect on myself constantly. I am my own worst critic.

I suppose this is the greater jihad that Rasulullah S.A.W has mentioned in his hadith.

It was narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), said to his companions when they returned from a military campaign, “We have come back from the lesser jihaad to the greater jihaad.” They said, “Is there any greater jihaad than jihaad against the kuffaar?” he said, “Yes, jihaad al-nafs (jihaad against the self).”

It is a never-ending battle. If you think that you are good enough, then you have lost. There is always something there for you to improve.

I am afraid. I would not know where I would end up if I die right this very second. Would I be counted as the faithful? Or would I be sorted amongst the sinners? Wallahu'alam.

And even this fear is not strong enough to lead me away from sin.

May we all be guided towards the true path.

Peace.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

East Middle Earth

'It's a dangerous business, going out of your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.'

I seem to have been swept off roughly 5500km from where I started!

Greetings from Abu Dhabi, UAE.

Though not that many Emiratis here, mostly Filipinos and Indians.

I arrived at the end of winter, (or spring, I don't know, we only have summer where I come from), so despite it being in the Middle East, it was quite cool.

Now it's summer time, and I'm experiencing summertime madness. Due to the heat mostly.

Apart from the very hot weather and high cost of living, I'd say it's a very nice place to live in.

Very safe. No worries of losing your shoe after prayers.

No worries of getting your Myvi splashed with paint just because it's a Myvi.

Not that they drive Myvis here.

Left-handed driving here in the UAE. Took me awhile to get used to it.

It's 4 hours late compared to Malaysia. And weekends are Friday and Saturday.

Most people are well off, and Syariah law is implemented here, so practically no crime at all here.

I had the idea of learning Arab before I came here, not anymore though.

Everyone speaks English, and like I said, not that many Arabs.

0% tax here, so anyone wanting to escape GST is welcome to migrate.

Although to rent a room is on average 3000 dirhams a month, and food-wise a decent meal for one person costs more than 50 dirhams, so might wanna think things through.

1 dirham is about 90 sen btw.

You won't find any halal-certified stickers on restaurants here. Coz they're all halal. You can just walk in into any Chinese, Indian or whatever restaurant and it's halal.

All meat that comes into the country has been certified halal beforehand, so that's taken care of.

Of course there's no such thing as halal pork. And they do sell non-halal meat at big department stores. But none at restaurants.

And if you walk into a bar and ask for beer, that's probably not.

Although they do have halal beer. Haha.

Food here is meh. Not spicy and not salty. If you're a picky eater, probably want to cook on your own.

But the portions are huge though. I often have leftovers. And I pack them up and eat them later.

Not that many Malaysians here. But they're mostly very friendly. And mostly very rich (compared to me anyways). And most of them are staunch opposition supporters.

They literally took the advice of that minister, "kalau tak suka keluar Malaysia".

Reason for them being richer compared to me is most of them are 10 years older than me, I would say. More experience, hence better pay. You don't see that many young Malaysians here.

To be honest, when they see where I live, they seem somewhat worried whether I can actually afford staying in Abu Dhabi coz of the somewhat old apartment I'm living in.

Rooms here are huge. Mine is 12x14 ft. And I'm not sharing it with anyone. So I don't mind.

Cars here are super cheap. Too bad it's left hand drive, otherwise I'd buy one already.

Using a loan of course.

I take taxis most of the time to get from place to place. Very reliable, everyone uses a meter, no hanky panky going on.

I don't really go out that much, not that many things to see here really.

You see one mall, you've seen them all I say.

Items I would say are somewhat cheaper here. If you're a shopaholic, you'd probably want to come visit. Especially during the summer sale, I hear.

Well, that's it for now. Been wanting to update, but write too long and I suddenly find myself loathing what I just wrote and I end up deleting the whole post. Haha.

Peace.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Yak yak yak

There is this colleague of mine.

The rambunctious type.

(apparently rambunctious is a non-formal North American word, I just found out. Lol.)

Always has to let everyone know what she's thinking / feeling.

The whole office will know if she's happy or she's sad.

She lets people in on her secrets, with a raised voice.

No whispers, no, no. That would be absurd.

She'd be like "Hey Jack, I have to tell you something, but John, you can't listen!"

Yes, this type of person.

A handful, to say the least.

An earful?

Nevermind.

Me being the slightly introverted person that I am, these type of people generally annoy me.

But I've built a tolerance, of sorts.

These are the people that make the workplace interesting, I think.

If everyone was like me, we'd have a somewhat quiet office.

Everyone would pretend to do work, chit chat for a bit, and at the end of the day go home.

Haha. Kidding.

Every now and then though, I do get annoyed and I do respond back.

Sometimes making fun of what she's talking about, sometimes I criticise her way of thinking.

For the most part, she disagrees with what I say.

She sometimes agrees with what I say, but she will stick with what she thinks is right.

Stubborn. A lot like me I suppose.

Wait, scratch that.

I am stubborn, yes, but I tend to process what people say longer rather than dismissing it immediately.

More often than not, I find myself agreeing to what was said to me later on, even though I thought it was a bunch of phooey (yes apparently that's how you spell phooey, I did not know).

Anyways, today I think I may have overstepped my boundaries.

Or maybe, she thought "I'm not gonna take anymore crap from this junior engineer."

Oh, prudent to note, she also has a bit of an ego when it comes to work, if that was not yet apparent.

Just before lunch, she was ranting on and on about her work problems with a senior engineer.

Also good to note, she is NOT a senior, however feels that she already should be one.

How do I know this? Because she told me.

Yeap, just painting a picture here.

Anyways, there she was ranting on and on about her problems, and this senior, who is NOT known for his patience, is perhaps in a very listening mood, and was very attentive to her needs.

Perhaps he understood that sometimes people need to vent, so he obliged.

I, on the other hand, was NOT very understanding.

To be fair, it's not that easy to be understanding when you sit very close to her and hear her whining and moaning almost every day about this problem.

Day after day after day, for a few months now.

So I suppose I cracked.

I stood up, in plain view of both her and the senior, and I imitated what she was doing.

The senior found it amusing, but clearly she did not.

We then proceeded to lunch together, and along the way she was trying to explain to me why she was like that i.e this is an actual problem, not something that I should be trivialising.

I said to her that the stress comes with the position. You wanna be a senior engineer, this is the type of shit you're suppose to deal with. If you want a no-stress position, go be a graduate engineer.

(did not actually use the word 'shit' btw)

She of course disagreed, saying she has done everything she can to solve the problem, or in other words, I'm right and you're wrong, Yasin.

There's not much I can say at this point, plus I can't be sure that I wouldn't react the same way if I were in her shoes, so I kept quiet.

Lunch proceeded with no further discussions on the topic.

However, after work, I received a Whatsapp from her.

"Yasin, I don't like your attitude when you imitated me today. It is not polite and not acceptable for me. I don't need your opinion about how I lead someone and about my situation. I hope I will not see this kind of attitude anymore. I don't need to explain what I did to you also. Next time I will take further step. If you feel disturbed, just tell. Don't make nonsense like that. I think you're right. I need to change just like I was. So I get more respect from people."

Apart from fixing a few spelling and grammar mistakes, that's pretty much verbatim.

My response?

"OK I apologise."

Hmm.

First off, I thought we were friends, equals, that are able to criticise and take criticism from each other.

CLEARLY this message tells me that she thinks she is above me. And I am beneath her.

Which is hurtful.

Of course, if I saw her as someone who is above me in rank, for example the senior she was talking to, I would not have made the joke in the first place.

Because clearly that's disrespectful.

I am aware that I may have overdone it with the imitating, but still if that was she was upset about, I would've totally understood.

In fact, in the elevator on the way to lunch, I told her I normally would not do what I did, I am not doing this just to spite her, it is just my way of conveying the message.

But that is not the case. She is upset because a subordinate is being rude towards her.

Had I known this is how she perceived herself, I would not have been so friendly with her.

To be fair to her, technically speaking, she is one rank above me, i.e I'm an engineer, she is Engineer 1 but it's just a ranking system.

In my office we don't really have that obvious hierarchical society, it's more of a friendly family setting. We show respect where it's due, of course, but interaction-wise, we see each other as equals.

Again, I probably was being very mean, but that's why I apologised.

I didn't bother explaining myself, nor did I felt that I should retaliate.

Of course I was a bit angry, but... I've come to the conclusion that some people have their own egos.

I have things that I take pride in, everyone does.

Everyone has something that they feel people should respect and acknowledge.

You be an introvert long enough, you pick up on these things.

You spot these things on people, and check to see whether you feel the same way or not.

It's the only way you're going to be a better person.

I try to eliminate all sense of entitlement from me. The world doesn't owe me shit.

God owes me nothing.

Which is where I feel bersyukur comes from. But that's a different topic altogether.

On a slightly happier note, I have found another person that can read other people.

Perhaps even better than me.

Our interactions have been somewhat minimal, but somehow he knew that I am inquisitive.

Perhaps he found out from other people whilst talking with them.

Or perhaps he deduced it in the very few instances we were in the same room.

Which is pretty darned impressive if that's the case.

Maybe I was doing a lot of questioning when he was around. Hmm, could be.

But he seemed pretty sure.

The thing about reading people, it only gives you an idea of what the person is like. It may be true, or you may be totally off by a mile.

But he said "Knowing you, you won't accept that kind of explanation."

Which is indicative of him being pretty darn sure. Which is incredible.

I must say that I was shocked, but it was a pleasant surprise.

Must be more careful in exposing my behaviour and attitude nowadays.

For more reasons than one.

As to the original topic, from here on out, I think I will treat her a bit more differently. Probably distance myself a bit, not physically, but socially speaking.

But I won't treat her badly or anything though. I feel that that's never the solution.

Plus it's not as if I don't treat people badly enough already. Lol.

Sigh, curse of an introvert. Always thinking and rethinking about social interactions.

Enough for now.

Peace.