Sunday, August 17, 2014

Confession

A close friend of mine is getting married.

I often tell myself if he gets married, that's your signal.

You need to get married.

Shit.

We are a lot alike, we often think the same way, he often can predict what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, and I'd like to think I am the same when it comes to him.

I used to have this mentality where I still feel like a kid.

Marriage sounds so adult-ish.

But I'm 25 now. Turning 26.

I'm starting to feel more and more like a grown-up. An adult.

I have a stable job as an engineer, I have a car, I pay bills and taxes.

I do adult stuff now.

I play games less. I'm more serious.

When I meet up with friends, I discuss work, politics, family, religion, current events.

Adult topics. Which may sound boring, but I enjoy engaging in intellectual discussions.

Of course I do talk about fun stuff like games, movies, music, etc.

But I'm gravitating away from it, more or less.

It's no secret my parents want me to get married. Haha.

But they've been really cool about it, not pressuring me to do anything.

They know I'm trying, sort of. Lol.

I never thought I'd say this here, but I have been in relationships before.

I've been trying to hide it, but I think I'm grown up enough to discuss it maturely. LOL.

The constant use of LOL is not helping. Old habits die hard.

I suppose I'm not very good at relationships. They never last very long.

I think mostly it's my fault.

But I tell myself sometimes it's just not meant to be.

I've had my fair share of ups and downs.

The ups being very brief. LOL.

At one point I kinda got bored of the whole 'getting to know the person' ritual.

I was in that 'I just wanna get married' phase.

But I realise for me that's just not possible. LOL.

At least I tried it. So now at least I know what I want.

I won't get into the details of things, but suffice it to say that I'm not really a nice person, relationship-wise.

But I think I've grown to be a better person, because of the mistakes I made.

I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am who I am.

Why am I writing this here? I suppose it's my confession.

I've been very dodgy about this topic when I'm discussing it with the family, and I do not know if my family and relatives still read this blog, but here it is.

This is the truth.

Currently, I do not have a girlfriend.

I've had girlfriends in the past. Note the 's'. Means plural, more than one.

I've had plenty of close girl friends that did not turn out to be my girlfriend in the end.

Mostly because I'm picky. Or because they're picky. Or maybe we just didn't connect on that level.

Or maybe we're just good friends.

I am looking for someone.

I am emotionally ready for a lifetime commitment now.

I am not financially prepared per se, as the cost of a wedding now is ridiculous, but it's on my to-do list.

I hope no one is thinking this, but I'm not gay. LOL.

Although, there was that one time....

JUST KIDDING!

OK. End of confession.

To be honest, writing this down and posting it may not seem like much to you, but it's a huge leap for me.

I'm trembling at the thought of posting this.

But I feel that it's a step in the right direction.

Baby steps.

Enough for now.

Peace.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

the hungry post

hello.

I've disappeared. for quite a bit. but now I've reappeared.

I've been doing loads of things. mostly nothing of import.

Ultimately nothing is really that important.

But it's important that you do it.

Like perhaps, taking a bath. lol.

I was occupied with work. Silly thing to be occupied with.

When you're on your deathbed, you're not going to regret not working enough.

You'll probably regret not doing things you wanted to do.

Which will probably be very confusing for a person that did not know what he wanted to do.

Or perhaps a very calming moment? Not exactly living your life to the fullest, but having no regrets whatsoever.

You can have everything you ever wanted in life, and you'd still want more.

They say life begins at 40. Feels like an eternity away.

Sometimes time moves both too fast and too slow.

Suddenly it's June, almost half of the year is gone. And yet, 40-year old me is 14 years away from now.

Would it be better if time moved faster or slower?

I guess it would depend on how you currently feel.

Time flies when you're having fun, they also say.

When I was studying, I don't think I enjoyed my final exams very much, yet 3 hours just seemed to fly by in an instant.

So I suppose they were wrong. Or maybe partially wrong.

Time also flies when you have a deadline.

I've been doing a lot of flying lately.

Probably not as much as other people, but enough to make me get used to it.

Not as afraid of flying as I was before.

3 countries I've been to this year, so far.

That's as far as it goes, most probably, all my annual leaves are out. Sob.

Went to Saudi Arabia for Umrah, went to Phuket for leisure, and went to Indonesia for spiritual reasons.

Barely ever at my house when it's the weekends.

But whenever I am home, I don't really have much to do.

I'm turning into a loner. And not so much by choice.

I guess it's true when they say the older you get, the less friends you'll have.

Technically, anyways.

I'm sure my friends are out there somewhere, but I just don't really want to go out and find them.

Makes me sound kind of like a jerk, but it's the old age talking.

I'm not going to say no if anyone finds me and wants to hang out, but I prefer to stay in my cave and hibernate.

I've realised something a few days ago.

Whenever a female friend gets married, that will probably be the last I'll see of them.

There is no socially acceptable way for me to ask them and hang out.

Their husbands would mount my head on a wall.

Which is kind of sad. As some were quite close friends.

But that's life.

You learn and realise new things everyday. Part of growing old.

Funny how I'm not that old yet sometimes I feel ancient.

Some would say I have an old soul, but according to Islam, all souls were "created" at the same time, so we know that's not true.

Funny how I say we know. KNOW. When we don't really know.

We just choose to believe what we're told. And that's faith.

I guess that's why there are 3 levels of faith in Islam, at least from what I know.

Or is it degrees of belief? Potayto potahto.

I did some googling as I did not know the English words for it so, they are :-

1- Certainty at the degree of knowledge (ilmal yakin)

2- Certainty at the degree of witnessing (ainul yakin)
3- Absolute certainty (haqqul yakin)

This website I took it from has a great explanation on the differences between the three. I can't vouch for any of their other content, but this one article is legit and explains it quite well.

Let's face it, even if we're all Muslims, we all have different levels of faith. Most of us are skeptics. We question. We wonder.

But society frowns upon Muslims that question, so we keep it to ourselves.

So whenever something that is said in the Quran for example, coincides with what science has proven, we rejoice and tell the whole world!

We say, "HAH! Science has only discovered what the Quran has been saying for ages! Islam is the Truth!"

But in my humble opinion, this is a sign of doubt on our part.

If we truly believed in something, we wouldn't need anything else to corroborate it, we'd just take it as it is.

If we truly believed in Islam we wouldn't need to have science prove it for us. Instead SCIENCE should prove itself to Islam.

We'd probably go check the Quran to verify the findings of our experiment, or something of the sort.

And I feel the way to achieve that level of belief is to immerse yourself with it.

Make Islam a way of life, rather than just a religion.

How can you not believe then? It is a part of you. It's who you are.

Very philosophical.

Happy Ramadhan everyone. May we all get the most from it.

Peace.


Thursday, February 6, 2014

Grow Up

These past few days, I've developed a habit where I would take a short nap before my bedtime and I would suddenly wake up in the middle of the night somewhat fresh from the said nap, and can't continue the sleep I will so desperately crave the next day at work.

Thus I decided to pour my thoughts here. Perhaps clearing the mind would allow the body to fall asleep.

Hello 2014. You have been great so far. I just came back from umrah. It was a good trip, for both body and soul.

But even before that, I noticed that this year would be different from all the other years.

In December, I turned 25. 

A friend pointed out to me that we both were turning 26 this year. 4 years before we turn 30. We need to have a game plan, can't just keep goofing around and going with the flow.

I agreed, I needed to form a game plan, not just a plan of video games I wished to play.

All my life, I somehow felt I grew up too fast. Not that I had a bad childhood or anything, I had a great childhood, just that sometimes I feel as though I'm being given these responsibilities even though I still feel like a child.

The skipping of standard 4 and going straight to standard 5 might have something to do with it, but I doubt that's the only reason.

Even in secondary school, matriculation, university, working life, I felt as though I'm still this child stuck in this adult body, and supposed to do adult stuff like pay taxes, pay bills, work to earn a living etc.

I've always felt it, but everyone around me was treating me like an adult, so I suppose I had to act like one.

But after my birthday, I felt different. I felt as if now I AM an adult. I've grown up. Spiritually maybe? My consciousness finally caught up with my physical self.

There is an opinion that our bodies are merely vessels, space suits, if you will, whereas we are the soul and the soul needs to be in the space suit in order to live in this realm.

Feels like it's the truth. To me at least.

There is no big difference in this aging of the spirit, just that I no longer feel that uneasiness when I realize I'm an adult, and most of my friends are married and some with children.

To a certain degree, marriage scares me. Because it is meant to be a permanent thing.

But upon thinking and thinking about this concept which I will some day have to embrace, I've decided that it will be a positive change in my life. Gives me a sort of stability, I suppose.

Up to today, I don't think there's anything I've chosen that's permanent to that extent.

Job? Can always change to a new one.

Degree? I can always go for another one. Or go crazy and do something totally unrelated. Which is not that crazy actually.

Friends / acquaintances? Some stay, some leave.

People come and go. 

Not too long ago, I went to an old friend's wedding. I have not seen him for years. Therefore I was excited to see him. We were quite close as children, you see.

After eating and before leaving, I went to see him. I was very happy to meet him after so long and also very happy for him.

But the feeling did not seem mutual.

He saw me, but was a bit preoccupied with his tengkolok being adjusted by the photographer.

After a few shots, he shook my hand. Barely making eye contact, he asked me whether I had eaten or not. 

I said yes, straining to maintain the smile that was so effortlessly formed minutes ago.

He casually introduced me to his wife as a friend from school. The wife seemed to give me more attention than he did.

He then proceeded to greet other guests that came, his current friends perhaps.

I awkwardly said goodbye and hurriedly left the scene.

He is busy, he is tired, I told myself.

It's been 10 years or so since you last met, I reminded myself.

Still I could not help feeling sad and embarrassed.

People forget.

I sometimes forget that.

...

People move on.

I should too.

..

I've been dwelling on the past. Too much.

Time to move on.

.

Time to grow up.

Peace.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

That's A Wrap.

I've been dwelling a lot on the past. Apparently it's one of the things mentally strong people don't do.

There were other things in that list that I do. I sometimes do resent other people's success. But it's becoming less and less nowadays.

I do get jealous sometimes, but when I think about it, why should I be? I should be happy for them for being successful, and work on my success. Other people's achievements does not take away my chance of succeeding and if anything, it's an indication of what I should work towards. God knows best.

But I've been dwelling a lot on the past. Thinking what happened in the past, wondering what could've been..

So I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. But I'm working on that. Here's to the present and the future.

We're nearing the end of the year. I realized I didn't make any new year's resolutions this year, so I can't say whether I've achieved my targets. But I did do some pretty cool stuff this year, I think.

I went to Universal Studios Singapore early in the year, pretty cool place to go. Things are super expensive there, not everything is halal, and if you do go, getting the express pass is totally worth the extra 50 SGD. Unless you don't mind queuing more than half the time (which was what I did).

Tried wall-climbing and laser tag for the first time this year. Laser tag is very tiring but super fun, wall-climbing needs a whole lot of upper body strength, which I don't really have, plus the fear of heights isn't helping.

Mid year, I was promoted to Engineer. Pretty cool, but it's just a title, I still have loads I don't know.

I joined a 10 km run and a 5 km run this year. Can't believe I was able to finish the 10km, but it took a whole lot of training, and even then I took longer than expected.

Just a few weeks ago, I joined a treasure hunt with some friends, and managed to get 3rd place! Which was cool since I rarely win stuff. Also worth mentioning, I won a RM50 Starbucks Gift Card with my knowledge on movies at a company party. Hoho. Who says watching movies is a waste of time?

And of course, last but not least,..

I went to Korea! Initially it was supposed to be a trip to Cambodia, and truth be told, I barely had enough money to go there. Then, out of nowhere, my cousin called me up and asked whether I wanted an all-expense paid trip to Korea. He won it as an incentive from his company for doing so well, but it's for only one person, so since he's married and just had a baby, he decides to pass it to me.

Er, I'm gonna have to go with.. a hell yeah. Had already bought my tickets to Cambodia though, can't return them and don't have enough days off to go to both places, so that's RM700 down the drain. You win some, you lose some.

Catch with Korea is, I'll be going with a group of people I absolutely do not know, which for an introvert is a very scary situation. Also, I'll be in a 6 hour flight. I'm afraid of heights. Flights are scary for me.

I've been trying / doing things out of my comfort zone the whole year, so this would be the ultimate one, kill two birds with one stone.

Three actually, coz foreign places are well, foreign and that feeling of not knowing anything about something is also kinda scary for me. Apart from having very pretty boys for artists, I know nothing about Korea.

Yeah, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I just hide it well, I suppose.

Long story short, it was a nice trip. I managed to overcome my fear of flights, there was slight turbulence on the flight, but I was way too tired, and I thought if I was on the ground and hit bumps like this, I'd barely notice it, so I ignored it and got over my fear of that. Which is great.

I managed to mix with the people I didn't know, had to share a bed with a guy I barely knew, but ultimately everyone was cool. I was scared for nothing.

It was in Autumn, so the temperature in Korea was quite cold, reaching up to 0 degrees Celcius. I didn't know anything about Korea, but we did go there with a guide, and she was very friendly, so it was easy to ask her anything. Korea is pretty, mostly because of the colourful trees in Autumn.

I suppose I should upload some pics. Here ya go. Pics are all from my phone, no edits coz I'm too lazy. heh.


First stop : Nami Island.

Some praying snowmen (I think) in Nami

More pretty trees in Nami Island.

Traditional house in Nami.

Some guy taking a picture of himself.
Me in front of the hotel I stayed in the first night.

Mt Sorak National Park.

I was told that this was how they make wishes. They stack these stones like this and make a wish. You can see these all over Korea.

Entertainment hall (I think) at Gyeongbokgung Palace.
Le awkward me.

Another tree.


So many Malaysians here, someone opened a Malaysian restaurant.

I sneaked away from tour group shopping (yawns) and went exploring.

I'm not sure what they call these things in English, but it's unique.

Some building in the center of Seoul.

Loads of universities within Seoul itself.

A K-Pop cow I found in Seoul.

One of the more expensive shopping complexes.

Managed to go see their lantern festival on my last night there.



So that was this year. Pretty good year I would say. I guess I shouldn't be dwelling too much on the past, with so many exciting things happening this year, and loads more to come next year.

No philosophical post this time. Hehe.

Cheers.

Peace.