Ramblings of a madman 3

I've realized how serious I've become these past couple of years.

Well, not me in real life, but this blog in particular.

There's no more funny crazy nonsensical posts blabbing about God knows what.

And more of the deep, dark, gloomy type of posts that supposed to be insightful but is mostly confusing.

I think I'm turning slightly emo. Or goth. Or whatever you call those people.

Life is... bland. Monotonous.

I've tried to spice things up by eating more chilli, but all that did was irritate my bowels.

Ok joke.

But seriously though, excitement is temporary.

I'd love to get excited all the time, be hyped to go to work, like "OMG today is gonna be so awesome" like I'm a blonde fashionista going to work at Vogue or Marie Claire or something (don't ask me how I know these magazines), but it doesn't work that way anymore.

New things excite me, and as I get older, I'm not as new as I used to be, and new things become another version of old things.

I went to Universal Studios Singapore recently. Pretty cool place.

The rides were pretty wicked. But I didn't get to ride on all of them coz of the time constraint.

Also I was a bit scared. Especially of the hanging roller coaster, where you're just dangling on this speeding roller coaster, hoping and praying to God that the seats don't suddenly experience mechanical failure and drop you in the middle of the ride.

Did I mention I'm scared of these rides?

But I did go on the normal roller coaster where you sat down. It was pretty cool, if you consider being half scared to death pretty cool.

I'm not sure why I paid RM200+ to go in. Haha. Maybe for bragging rights, just to tell people, oh yeah I did go on that roller coaster of death. Girls, admire me now.

But the excitement was temporary. Granted, it was an enjoyable trip, the place was beautiful, the rides were spectacular especially the Transformers 4D ride (superb, really) but the true fun was just hanging out with friends.

I think it's important to keep your friends close. As you grow older, you tend to be more distant with your friends. You've suddenly got a job, responsibilities, priorities. Hanging out with friends is no longer at the top of your list.

Then suddenly you're married. You stick to your spouse most of the time. You now have someone to take care of, to look after. Your friend is pretty close to the last thing on your mind right now.

Then BAM!, you've got a child. Someone literally depends on you to survive in this world.

"Er, friends? Oh yeah I had those back then..."

I speak like an old person. I know. My interests are old people interests. When I'm with friends, I often talk about that video I saw on Youtube about this cool gadget, or that movie I saw last week, or that jazzy track that I don't know the title of, but sometimes I do like to talk about religion, philosophy, current affairs (not to be confused with politics), ideas, concepts.

But most of the people I know prefer to gossip more. Lol. I try to refrain, but sometimes I indulge for the sake of conversation. And sometimes it serves as a self reminder too.

I cannot imagine what I would be like when I'm older. Will I be the old hermit, living alone at the house on top of that hill, all grumpy and bitter, and perhaps slightly insane?

Not too farfetched, considering my parents' house is on top of a hill. But let's not worry about that for now.

Sometimes, I like being alone. But I hope I don't die alone.

Makes me think about what God has planned for me.

I am a firm believer that everything is already set. I'm just living it out.

Though this is not a thought shared by many. My boss believes we set our own path.

It is through our actions that we determine our future.

He often has these mini lectures in the evening, and he would talk, very passionately if I may say so, about religion.

Sometimes I would counter his points, but he's my boss, I can only argue so much.

So instead I vent out here. Where nobody will read it. haha.

Though the concept of everything being predetermined is a difficult thing for the human mind to grasp, it is not as difficult as you might think.

Say for example, you had dinner last night. You might think, I had dinner by my own free will. God didn't force me to have dinner, or go to that specific place, or order that specific food. I made the choice myself.

But the fact is you ate dinner because you were hungry. You were hungry because your stomach sent a message to your brain saying its empty (simplistic way of explaining it, I'm an engineer, not a med student). Do you control your stomach? No. Do you control what your brain does? In this case, no. Can you control what messages your brain receives and ignores? To a certain extent, probably yes, but ultimately, no.

You might be saying, "Bah, I could've decided to skip dinner. This proves nothing." But could you? The fact remains that you did, and technically you could've, but your stomach and your brain said no.

Then there is the fact that you chose where to eat, you chose what to eat. So how is it that God dictated all that when I had just thought of what to eat there and then?

There must've been a reason why you suddenly wanted to eat at that place, or eat that particular meal. Maybe someone brought you there before, or you saw it on television, and that compelled you to go. Or maybe you suddenly have a craving to eat something. Or maybe it's your weekly routine to go eat there on that particular day.

Try tracing back the reason. Let's assume you saw the food place on television. How are you able to see? Because you have functioning eyes. Why were you watching television? Because you were bored.

If you were a blind person or weren't bored on that particular time that food place ad came on the television, you wouldn't have had dinner there.

Trace back all these reasons, all these choices, all these decisions, and think really hard, and you will realise that you've been programmed that way. Anything, everything that you have done up to today has been preprogrammed or written.

Everything that has ever happened in your life in one way or the other has contributed to the very mundane fact that you had dinner last night.

There are so many things that happened in your life that it is near impossible to believe that everything was planned and was made to happen by God, but if you open your mind and accept that He is All Powerful, you will wonder why you did not come to this simple conclusion sooner.

There is no free will. It is merely an illusion.

By this point, if there were any atheists reading this blog post, they'd be rolling on the floor laughing their bottoms off. And I do believe that most God-believing people would probably disagree with me as well, but it is what I believe. And I believe this to be the truth.

But for whatever reason, you stumbled on this blog post and decided to read it to the end. There is an infinite number of things that you could do at this very second, but for whatever reason, you're still reading.

Up to you what to believe.

But there is also that possiblity that no one is reading this and I am talking to myself as usual. Hermit in training then. :)

So much for not making this a serious post.

Peace.

Bubble

Realize it or not, we've passed the first quarter of this year. Another blink of an eye, it'll be 2014. What have I achieved so far? Hmm.

As I finished typing the above sentence, I suddenly realized how hot my room was. It was scorching hot during the day, yet it did not rain, so the heat persisted to the night.

So I went out of my room and lay down on the sofa in the living room. It wasn't very cool outside either, so I sat down instead.

For reasons unknown, my heart started beating fast, but only for no more than 6 beats. As if announcing his arrival, my housemate came out from his room as well. It wasn't just hot in my room it would seem.

After hearing me blab about the hot weather like an old grandpa, my housemate asked me if I had heard about a friend's passing. I was stunned. I didn't hear anything.

He told me he found out on our whatsapp group. I jumped out of the sofa and rushed into my room, grabbing my neglected smartphone.

It was Ijam. Last I saw him was about a year ago. I have not spoken to him since. We weren't that close, he was considerably older than me. I knew him through my father.

I didn't know he was sick. Another member of the group didn't know either, so he asked.

Apparently he passed away just a few hours ago, around Isyak. After taking his wudhu, he felt light-headed and nearly fell down, that people had to hold him up.

He then proceeded to sujud. And he was of this world no more.

MasyaAllah. Innalillah.

Sometimes God gives us the clearest of signals, yet we turn away from it.

I feel as though I am a bubble, floating aimlessly in the vast ocean. I am being pushed by waves up and down, left and right, back and forth.

I do not know where the waves are pushing me, or whether I am even moving from that same spot at all. But I do know that this bubble has not yet popped.

I do not know when that will be, but I know it is not now, and that can only mean there is a purpose to all this seemingly-endless drifting.

But the ocean is immensely vast, and with no end in sight the thought of floating above one treacherous wave after the other can sometimes be overwhelming.

Everything happens for a reason. No matter how small and insignificant this one tiny bubble is, it exists for a reason.

Perhaps one day we will all find out. Until then, live your life to the fullest.

Peace. :)

Introvert / Extrovert

I am a self-proclaimed introvert. Yet ask any of my current friends, and they would probably disagree.

I once did a test, and the test said I was an extrovert too.

But in fact I am not. At least I don't think I am.

I am very quiet when it comes to new people. I rarely ever start conversations.

But I find it necessary, especially in work. To be friendlier.

If I'm not going back to my hometown Ipoh, most weekends are spent alone at my apartment, catching up on chores I've neglected to do during the weekdays.

I really don't feel the need to call up and bother friends on weekends.

But that doesn't mean I won't go out if anyone asked me.

I've always thought of myself as an introvert, yet most people think otherwise. 

Now I'm not so sure.

How does one define an introvert? 

Seeing as how I'm too lazy to Google for the answer, how do I define an introvert?

One : I don't mind being alone and not talking to anyone. 

I wouldn't go so far as too say I prefer being alone as opposed to with friends, being with friends is fun, but there are times I wanna be alone. 

Two : I rarely find myself talking to strangers. 

Not the type of person to get into lengthy conversations with the cashier at this restaurant I normally go or what, but I do put in an effort to talk to people when it feels awkward, i.e when you're in an elevator with just this other person and you see each other almost every day but never really talked.

Yes I think that is a strong proof that I am an introvert.

Three :  I think a lot.

More than I would care to admit. I like analyzing things, and sometimes I end up realizing things that upset me. Although I am not sure that thinking a lot constitutes as an introvert.

I feel that thinking a lot makes me an introvert is because there's a person I know at work that talks a lot, but can be a bit oblivious sometimes.

And I'm a 100% sure she's an extrovert.

I have this friend which I would swear is an extrovert, but he insists that he is an introvert. If it is TRUE that he really is an introvert, then he has mastered the art of conversation superbly.

Conversation is an art. To introverts especially. The words do not come flowingly to the tongue. You'd have to be on your proverbial conversation toes to strike up an interesting conversation, and its even tougher to keep the conversation going.

Especially if you're talking to someone you've just met. 

But sometimes its easier. Coz since you don't know much about the person, you can just ask question after question.

It's the people that you know but don't really have that much in common that's hard.

What on earth would I say to these people.

I don't wanna appear rude and reserved, but I really can't think of anything to talk to these people most of the time.

Being Malaysian, most of the time I talk about the weather, rain in particular. Haha.

Next I talk about food. Makan mana?

Once those two topics are discussed, and that said person is still there, I'll just keep quiet and hope they start talking next.

Like now...

Hmm.

Peace.

Illogical Atheists

The concept of God, to an atheist, is a ridiculous one.

It does not make any sense at all, to them.

However, how many of people that believe in God, thinks that the existence of God makes sense?

Out of the billions of humans in this world that believe in the concept of God, how many of them actually think that God makes perfect sense?

That it would actually be absurd to think that God does not exist?

How many? How many among us, if asked question after question, with logical reasoning, would probably come up to the conclusion that God is not logical?

A mere made-up notion thought up by people ages ago.

We all claim to be logical, educated people that believe in experimental proof and common sense.

We believe all these theories about atoms, cells, electromagnetic forces, chemistry.

Because its been proven to be true.

Yet when the subject of God arises, we turn off our logic and simply choose to believe.

I was once asked by a Muslim woman which was much older than me, that had proper education, a thought-provoking question.

She says that she believes in God and everything, but she wonders why is it that God allows for so much pain and suffering to occur in this world? 

We hear day in and day out of people getting killed, babies left in trash cans, suicide bombings, school shootings, horrifying terrible things, and I suppose she wondered for awhile, if there was a Merciful God, why would He allow such things to happen.

I do not know for sure why she asked me of all people, (out of the blue if memory serves) but I think it was because she was afraid of people treating her differently. Most of us simply dismiss tough questions such as this and follow blindly. 

But it is a most logical question, so I wonder if this 30-something year old university-educated woman thought of this, how many of us Muslims or believers of God for that matter, have similar doubts in our minds.

How many of us, if born in a slightly more liberal country, would renounce our religion and never look back.

My gut feeling tells me that by the time you're reading this sentence you're probably got frowning eyebrows, furiously reading and worrying that I've gone mad and lost faith.

Haha. No no I'm still perfectly sane. For the most part.

Despite not being a 100% Muslim country, the Malaysian Constitution is written up according to Islamic law. It actually prohibits people from going murtad. 

The Malaysian constitution dictates that if you are a Malay, then by law, you MUST be a Muslim. According to the law, there is no such thing as Christian Malay. This is why years ago there was so much noise about the Malay girl that converted to Christianity and wanted to put that in her IC.

If she were successful in her bid (which she wasn't FYI), any Malay in this country could convert and there would be absolutely nothing anyone can do about it. 

I partly feel that this is why the opposition are so gung-ho on promoting equal rights between races and brandishing the Sultans as wasters of public funds.

The special rights of the Malays and the sovereignty of the Sultans are in the Malaysian Constitution. If they can convince the rakyat that either one of these are stupid rules, then they can change the bit about the Prime Minister having to be a Malay, and worst, Malays not needing to be Muslims.

But I'm straying away from topic at hand.

When that woman asked me, me being a bit younger then, told her that I believe that what happens to others is not just a test to them, but a test to us as well. Take example the Palestinians being oppressed. It is a test to them, no doubt, but it is also a test of character for us, their Muslim brothers and sisters. What are we doing to help them? Are we at the very least sympathetic? Or could we not care less?

When you see someone being mugged on the street, do you help or do you ignore in fear of you being hurt / mugged as well?

Or perhaps a more subtle one, if you're late for work, do you run a red light and deny people that had green their right of way, or do you wait?

I recall a certain someone complaining that she was not tested, and she feared that it meant that she was not worthy of being tested, which ultimately meant she was not a good person.

We are constantly being tested, only thing is that the tests aren't meant to be obvious like the ones we take in the university. If it were we'd cheat or study just immediately before the test, and then pass when in fact had it been a surprise test, we'd fail miserably.

Are we not under 24-hour observation by the two angels at our sides? Not to mention, God, all-seeing and everything.

Also, I think if you're worried that you're not a good enough person, odds are you are good enough. Lol.

Upon hearing my explanation, the woman agreed with me. I do not know till this day whether she merely agreed because she regretted asking the question and did not want to cause any more concern or because she truly agreed and I managed to put her curiosity to rest for the time being. 

I hope it was the latter. Nowadays, I would have a different answer, but that is another discussion for another time.

It is not wrong to be curious, to question what we believe, in my opinion. Even the prophets of old asked God for proofs, not because they didn't believe, but because they wanted to strengthen their beliefs.

I truly feel that if we really understood science, we would come to the conclusion that it is absolutely illogical to believe that there is no God.

After all, the Big Bang is merely a theory. There is no conclusive evidence, merely signs that tell us it is probably true, and that so far we've not found signs to say that it is false.

Yet we take it as fact and assume it to be true.

Is it that far-fetched an idea to think that God does exist?

Peace.