Saturday, June 17, 2017

Ad hoc

What shall I complain about next.

I was so engrossed in one problem, I did not realize the rug was slowly being pulled from underneath me.

And at the very last moment, tugged with such force that it made me fall on my back.

Stunned.

Unsure of how to react.

Life never goes the way you planned it.

You can never plan for the things you did not anticipate.

We are limited in our knowledge of things that would happen.

I'm overthinking it.

Coupled with the other problem, my brain is a downright mess right now.

It did not affect me that badly in the beginning, but now that I let it, I can't seem to break free of these shackles on my brain.

I need to realize in both problems, there is almost nothing I can do that I have not already done, and just see things through.

Such a mess, I am.

How did I become this way.

I had no problems whatsoever in life. I was just minding my own business.

And then life decided to take a turn for the worse.

You could say that I was partly to blame. Yes, that's true.

But I don't believe I had a choice.

Enough thinking. There's been too much of that already.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to live my life as carefree as can be.

No more pointless non-stop pondering on what would be the best course of action.

No more ridiculous imaginings of fictitious scenarios.

No more of all these nonsense that make me stressed out for no real reason.

No more stressing out on what could be, what might be, and what will be.

I shall live my life the way it should be lived.

In reality. Not in my head.

Whatever happens, happens.

Plans work only to a certain extent.

Time to live in the moment.

Peace.

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After posting this initially, I decided to read some of my posts from the previous months, and I'm so glad I did. I was an absolute wreck back then. This is nothing. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be fine. Also, reading the previous posts makes me feel like such a sap, so that means I've recovered tremendously well. Yeay! Here's to further improvement in my mental health. Haha.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Confused

I am now confused.

I must profess, I thought I got this whole thing figured out.

But seems I don't.

Seems there's things happening that I don't understand.

I thought that the story was over.

That I should just move on as quickly as I can.

But perhaps that was only the beginning.

A few weeks ago, she started to get closer.

We start to text more. We talk on the phone more.

We talk about more things.

At first I thought she's just being nice.

Perhaps trying to comfort me, soften the blow, so to speak.

But I find myself at times comforting her.

Nothing a friend wouldn't do, I thought.

Do I find myself being closer to her now than before?

Yes, but that's probably just a friend thing, nothing more.

She still doesn't see me in that way, I thought.

But there's something else there.

Something that was not there before.

The way she looks at me. The way she talks to me.

The words that she uses.

How we'd go out as a group and when we walk I'd find her next to me.

The way she grabs my arm.

The way she rests her head on my shoulder for the briefest of moment.

As if wanting something, but not wanting to show it.

Truth be told, I shrugged it off as her being overly friendly at first.

Like I said, as I understand it, she said no. And that was the end of it.

But when other people start noticing it, I began to wonder.

Maybe something did change.

Maybe there's still hope.

And that made me happy.

But afraid at the same time.

Perhaps I'm just fooling myself.

Perhaps it's just wishful thinking.

But if there's even the tiniest chance, I know I could not help myself.

So I waited. And waited.

Until I could not hold it in any longer.

So I asked.

I asked if there was something there.

Or if I'm just imagining things.

You did not give me an answer.

Neither a yes or a no.

Which has left me saddened and confused.

Not a particularly spectacular combo.

My mind is on overdrive, trying to decipher every single word, every single action.

But in the end, I can only guess.

I can't ever have a final answer.

Now it feels like the walls that were crumbling, are now being rebuilt.

You hide behind them, as you did before.

Perhaps you're afraid. And I do not blame you if you are.

I only wish you'd give it a try. An actual earnest try.

But for now, I find myself waiting outside these walls.

Hoping. Waiting. Wishing.

You'd let me in someday.

Peace.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Fine Line

Ever since I started exercising regularly, I feel significantly more energetic. 

I find myself driven to do things I normally wouldn't do.

I went on the world's fastest roller coaster, and the roller coaster with the world's tallest loop.

I'd never imagine myself doing this sort of thing. People change I suppose.

I want to go skydiving next! Haha crazy. No solid plans, just dreams for now.

I'm doing a whole lot of travelling this year. Business and leisure. Good stuff.

I'm now in a complicated situation socially, where I'm trying to be friends with someone that said no to me. 

For me right now, there is a very fine line between being just friends and letting those old feelings take control again.

At times this does feel stupid. But, I don't have much of a choice. I can't sever ties.

We're in a very closely-knit group. At least that's what I tell myself most of the time.

Maybe a small part of me doesn't want to break it off completely.

That's most likely it. 

I'm no longer sad. But the feeling I have for her lingers on.

I don't know how to get rid of it.

I don't think I ever will.

Unless I find someone else or she does.

And maybe then it will still be there.

How horrible that must be like.

I try not to think too much about it. 

A colleague commented that I'm quieter now. I appear to be lost in thought.

He asked me whether I was thinking about work, or thinking about love.

There's not much to think about both really. But the mind does wander.

Him and me, we have very different personalities.

He's 14 years my senior. He's more of a perfectionist and a extrovert. Very passive personality.

Annoys me to the max when it comes to work. 

Undecisive, slow, overthinks things.

Too nice sometimes.

Very different ways of working. I do not want to be like him 14 years from now.

However, he does teach me a lot about patience. Which I have very little for when it comes to work.

He also teaches me how to be more detail-oriented. Which is time-consuming but definitely a valuable trait to have.

Also, he probably has a more likeable personality to most people. Which is definitely something I can work on. Lol.

That's about all I can think of right now. Keeping it short this time round.

Peace.


Monday, March 27, 2017

Insanity

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

If that's true, I might be a bit cuckoo.

A small part of me is still hoping for something to change.

When nothing has changed.

The feeling is fading.

But a stubborn part still clings on.

Life's too short to cry over spilled milk.

Kuwait has put that in perspective.

Life's too short. Seize the day.

But I'm only human. Poke me and I bleed.

Hopefully this will be over soon enough.

Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking?

Can a wound heal if you keep pouring salt in it?

Haha.

Sometimes I laugh at the ridiculous scenarios I put myself in.

Does that make sense to you?

Does that make me crazy?

If only you knew.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I can't be someone I'm not.

That's the only thing I can be.

Am I insane for not changing?

Or perhaps I'm insane for hoping someone can accept that.

Truly, what a crazy feeling, this thing called love.

It can make you happier than you could possibly imagine.

And it can also scar you for the rest of your life.

I'm glad it happened. Sincerely.

I did not know I could love someone so intensely.

And I did not realize how awful it would be to not receive it in return.

Somehow I'm smiling now.

Now I know what bittersweet is.

Peace.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

All things considered

All things considered, I think I'm doing well so far.

It's taking me some time to move on.

It's difficult.

Very difficult.

Sometimes the heart does stupid things.

Sometimes it tells you to do stupid things, in pursuit of happiness.

When things don't go the way it hoped it would, it becomes sad.

The logical thing to do would be to move on.

Move away from the sadness.

Leave it behind.

But sometimes, the heart wants to be sad.

It's illogical. Totally irrational.

But it is what it is.

The heart wants to remain sad.

The heart forces you to remember the good times you've had.

How happy you were.

How awful it is you've lost that thing you so badly cherish.

Sneakily, it never remembers the bad things.

The awful things you had to put up with.

Selective amnesia.

The mind is a powerful thing, but sometimes it's rendered powerless.

It cannot help but succumb to such strong emotions.

And you can't help but feeling helpless, you feel weak.

Unable to do anything but feel immense sadness and foolishness.

In moments of clarity, yes it does make you feel like such a fool.

To allow yourself to be this vulnerable.

To permit yourself to be hurt.

To place your happiness on such a non-tangible and uncertain thing.

But it is the way the world works.

You were not the first, and you shall not be the last.

The only way forward is to embrace it.

Embrace the sadness. Embrace the foolishness.

Embrace the pain. Embrace the weakness.

But never lose yourself in it.

Know that everything happens for a reason, and this too shall pass.

Know that you are meant to overcome this.

Know that you will.

Know that you will be a better person after.

Stronger. Wiser. More compassionate.

I feel like such a sap writing this. But the writing helps.

Perhaps it's the old age. Haha.

Peace.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

This too shall pass

When one door closes, another door opens.

The open door, it pulls me. Unintentionally.

I try to resist.

It is unfamiliar. It is complicated.

Uncharted territory.

Staying stagnant is safer.

So I stared from afar.

And denied my feelings.

Until the agony was unbearable.

I mustered whatever courage I had.

I have stepped through the open door.

And I find myself falling.

With no end in sight.

Not yet.

--------------------------------------------------------

It felt like forever.

Sometimes I enjoyed it. Very much so.

Sometimes I dreaded the experience. Expecting the worse.

It is unclear. Well, it was unclear.

I finally saw the ground, and there was nothing there to soften the blow.

I crashed. I'm broken. I'm hurt.

In some ways I am glad.

The uncertainty was killing me from the inside.

But the crash is killing me both in and out.

I am scattered across the landscape.

I slowly pick myself up, piece by piece.

Life must go on. There is no moment of respite.

I put on my fake smile, and I go about my day as a normal man.

Barely keeping it together.

There are parts of me that hate this immensely.

How foolish was I to fall. To let myself fall.

Yet a small voice reminds me of how this needed to happen.

There was no other way for me to follow.

Ah, the mind can always argue reason and logic, but the heart wants what it wants.

There is no logic, no reasoning to it.

It just is.

I am haunted by what could've been.

I struggle to push away these nightmares I have in my waking moment.

Ironically sleep is my only solace.

In time this too shall pass.