Wednesday, December 25, 2013

That's A Wrap.

I've been dwelling a lot on the past. Apparently it's one of the things mentally strong people don't do.

There were other things in that list that I do. I sometimes do resent other people's success. But it's becoming less and less nowadays.

I do get jealous sometimes, but when I think about it, why should I be? I should be happy for them for being successful, and work on my success. Other people's achievements does not take away my chance of succeeding and if anything, it's an indication of what I should work towards. God knows best.

But I've been dwelling a lot on the past. Thinking what happened in the past, wondering what could've been..

So I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was. But I'm working on that. Here's to the present and the future.

We're nearing the end of the year. I realized I didn't make any new year's resolutions this year, so I can't say whether I've achieved my targets. But I did do some pretty cool stuff this year, I think.

I went to Universal Studios Singapore early in the year, pretty cool place to go. Things are super expensive there, not everything is halal, and if you do go, getting the express pass is totally worth the extra 50 SGD. Unless you don't mind queuing more than half the time (which was what I did).

Tried wall-climbing and laser tag for the first time this year. Laser tag is very tiring but super fun, wall-climbing needs a whole lot of upper body strength, which I don't really have, plus the fear of heights isn't helping.

Mid year, I was promoted to Engineer. Pretty cool, but it's just a title, I still have loads I don't know.

I joined a 10 km run and a 5 km run this year. Can't believe I was able to finish the 10km, but it took a whole lot of training, and even then I took longer than expected.

Just a few weeks ago, I joined a treasure hunt with some friends, and managed to get 3rd place! Which was cool since I rarely win stuff. Also worth mentioning, I won a RM50 Starbucks Gift Card with my knowledge on movies at a company party. Hoho. Who says watching movies is a waste of time?

And of course, last but not least,..

I went to Korea! Initially it was supposed to be a trip to Cambodia, and truth be told, I barely had enough money to go there. Then, out of nowhere, my cousin called me up and asked whether I wanted an all-expense paid trip to Korea. He won it as an incentive from his company for doing so well, but it's for only one person, so since he's married and just had a baby, he decides to pass it to me.

Er, I'm gonna have to go with.. a hell yeah. Had already bought my tickets to Cambodia though, can't return them and don't have enough days off to go to both places, so that's RM700 down the drain. You win some, you lose some.

Catch with Korea is, I'll be going with a group of people I absolutely do not know, which for an introvert is a very scary situation. Also, I'll be in a 6 hour flight. I'm afraid of heights. Flights are scary for me.

I've been trying / doing things out of my comfort zone the whole year, so this would be the ultimate one, kill two birds with one stone.

Three actually, coz foreign places are well, foreign and that feeling of not knowing anything about something is also kinda scary for me. Apart from having very pretty boys for artists, I know nothing about Korea.

Yeah, I'm afraid of a lot of things. I just hide it well, I suppose.

Long story short, it was a nice trip. I managed to overcome my fear of flights, there was slight turbulence on the flight, but I was way too tired, and I thought if I was on the ground and hit bumps like this, I'd barely notice it, so I ignored it and got over my fear of that. Which is great.

I managed to mix with the people I didn't know, had to share a bed with a guy I barely knew, but ultimately everyone was cool. I was scared for nothing.

It was in Autumn, so the temperature in Korea was quite cold, reaching up to 0 degrees Celcius. I didn't know anything about Korea, but we did go there with a guide, and she was very friendly, so it was easy to ask her anything. Korea is pretty, mostly because of the colourful trees in Autumn.

I suppose I should upload some pics. Here ya go. Pics are all from my phone, no edits coz I'm too lazy. heh.

First stop : Nami Island.

Some praying snowmen (I think) in Nami

More pretty trees in Nami Island.

Traditional house in Nami.

Some guy taking a picture of himself.
Me in front of the hotel I stayed in the first night.

Mt Sorak National Park.

I was told that this was how they make wishes. They stack these stones like this and make a wish. You can see these all over Korea.

Entertainment hall (I think) at Gyeongbokgung Palace.
Le awkward me.

Another tree.

So many Malaysians here, someone opened a Malaysian restaurant.

I sneaked away from tour group shopping (yawns) and went exploring.

I'm not sure what they call these things in English, but it's unique.

Some building in the center of Seoul.

Loads of universities within Seoul itself.

A K-Pop cow I found in Seoul.

One of the more expensive shopping complexes.

Managed to go see their lantern festival on my last night there.

So that was this year. Pretty good year I would say. I guess I shouldn't be dwelling too much on the past, with so many exciting things happening this year, and loads more to come next year.

No philosophical post this time. Hehe.



Saturday, November 9, 2013

Adult stuff.

at last i have internet.

rejoice loyal followers! for I am back!


but seriously though, it's great to have internet back. there's just not much that I can do without internet. I barely ever turn on my computer without it.

there were days where i actually did all my laundry and chores because i was just sitting down doing nothing and thought i should use my free time better.

yeah, really, i was that bored.

I even got myself to join a 10km run recently. and managed to finish. and got myself a medal. haha.


never in my wildest dreams did i imagine myself paying money to go running around. and i could not imagine myself running 10km. because i tire quite easily.

but i suppose it was all in my head. don't get me wrong, i was running very slowly, grandpas were overtaking me, but i managed to finish.

which is a great achievement for me. I wanted something, and I worked for it.

I went training almost every week. I started running just 3 km at first, and slowly worked my way up.

Next I'm going to a faraway country with people I don't know. But more on that after I've actually returned, I suppose.

I've grown my hair long. Previously I wanted to let it grow, but was afraid it wouldn't look professional or what, so I cut it.

But a colleague kept it long, and since he's not getting any trouble for it, I thought I'd keep it long too. Not like I meet clients on a daily basis or anything, I just do my own work at my own table, so I'm guessing no problems there.

But even as I'm typing, the wind from the fan is blowing the hair into my eyes, and I'm kinda not used to that. Haha. Guess I should get a... cekak. whatever the heck you call it in english.

I googled, hairband. lol. I've never actually needed it before, so yeah...

I can't predict life. Haha. I thought I could, but turns out, I can't. I can never tell what's going to happen. Just when I think I had everything figured out, it turns the other way.

Sometimes I'm confused. Not in the "guys look cute" way, but not sure in what I really want. Guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was.

It's funny, not knowing what you want. You'd think you of all people should be an expert of what you want. But no. Once you get something, you think to yourself, I don't like this so much.

So I'm keeping my options open. I'm trying new things. Doing weird stuff. Because who knows, maybe the things I dislike are the things that I actually will like.

I suppose this is part of growing up. Deep inside, I still feel like a child. I've been working for 3 years, I'm a quarter of a century old. And thinking that the next logical step in life is to get married and start a family is scary. I feel that it's not time yet.

Sometimes I read articles in the newspaper and I see "24 year old celebrity to wed some rich dude". My initial thought is, so young, barely knowing herself, barely living life, and already getting married.

But perhaps I'm looking at it from a different angle. Perhaps getting married is a way of getting to know yourself and experiencing life. Also, I think girls are programmed to get married early.

Yeah, because there are girls in my university previously that have targets. "OK before graduation I'm gonna find my future husband. Find future husband, graduate, work mediocre job for awhile, get married, have cute babies, live happily ever after".

Well, at least that's what it looked like to me.

Here's my target when I got into the university.


Yeah, guys are simpler. I didn't go out looking for girls, didn't really have a target for my studies, didn't really think about what I want to do afterwards. Nope. Just wanted to graduate. So I wouldn't waste my money and my parent's money. So that I could get a job afterwards.

After graduation, the target was find job. Job acquired. Wasn't all that picky. Just picked the first one I got. Now what?

"Get a girlfriend and get married and have babies"

Not so easy... Lol.

I'm very picky and choosy. Also, girls are very picky and choosy. Also, girls are very difficult to deal with. hahaha.

Maybe I'm just suited for the single life. But the prospect of growing old alone is a scary one. And I'd hate to disappoint my parents by not giving them grandchildren.

I'm starting to think that maybe one day I'll say, "Screw it, I'll marry this girl, que sera sera". Get it over  and done with.

Not very romantic, I know.

Ignoring the fact that getting married is super expensive and it'll probably be years before I'd be able to afford such a luxury, I've tried and I have yet to find this feeling that says "this person is the person I wanna spend my life with" that I've been hearing about.

Or maybe most people aren't so picky and just grab the first choice that they get and make do with what they have.

Which I feel is stupid. It's such a permanent decision, how can you just "make do"? But I would say I understand why people still do it.

Trying is hard. Failing is harder. Eventually you recover, but you'll not be the same. You're changed, scarred perhaps. A sobering reminder of what might happen again, that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it gets dark. And you're stuck there, desperately clawing in the darkness. Trying to find an escape. When there is none.

Some people I have observed cannot survive without their significant other. It's as if their entire existence is solely for the purpose of having a partner, and without one their life would be meaningless. Which is why some girls (most of the time) jump from one relationship to another, regardless of whether it is with a good or bad partner.

I think this is pathetic. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person. I know that people depend on other people in the course of our daily lives, but to constantly depend on someone is highly unappealing for me. I like to be independent.

I hate talking about this kind of stuff, but I suppose I'm no longer a child and as an adult am expected to delve into the matter. Need to grow up... And talk about adult stuff...

Not that kind of adult stuff. haha.

Money isn't everything, but everything is money. There are things in life I wish to own / do, but money is a limiting factor. And that comes down to two things : job or family. Either you need to get yourself a high-paying job, or be lucky enough to be born into a rich family.

You could of course be gold digger, but that's just stupid. haha.

My job pays well, I suppose. I get by. There are other people that earn more than me, of course, but I can't complain. I have all I need, plus some extra. Truth is, you can never have enough money. Never. You'll always be thinking of things you could buy, and once you've bought them, you'll be looking forward to buying other stuffs. Haha.

So I'm content with what I have for now. Don't have to be a billionaire overnight. haha. Sometimes I tend to rush life. I want things to move at a faster pace. I forget that in life it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. The journey is the most important part.

Enjoy life, enjoy the journey, the destination is the same for everyone, regardless of who you are.


Monday, September 9, 2013


More often than I would care to admit, I would write posts, and half-way through, read them and scrap the post altogether.

I read it once, and I hate how it sounds in my head, even though it came from my head.

Quite recently I browsed through a book by Paulo Coelho (an accomplished writer, I think) and I found out that he too hates what he writes most of the time.

Well at least I have the self-deprecation of an actual writer. Haha. Now just need the actual talent.

I don't know, the words never really flow the way I want it to.

But hey, at least I've improved tremendously since I first started writing.

I've done away with the paragraphs (mostly) and gone with the short sentence format because if it was me reading, I hate to see lengthy paragraphs. It just seems to troublesome to read.

I mostly skim through stuff. Rarely read through each and every line. I suppose I'm not a very good reader.

To read something in thorough detail, you'd have to really care, really take the time to read. And I think that most of what we read every day does not get that kind of attention from us.

Let alone a blog post such as mine.

Life has been picking up its tempo recently. Many things are happening, and at the same time, when before, nothing ever really happens.

Life just goes on.

Work has been picking up. I'll not bore you with details, but I have been working late nights to get things done. Which is actually a good thing. As compared to leaving on time but doing nothing at all.

It feels great to know you're doing something significant. You're contributing.

On the negative side, stress comes with the work, and if I'm not careful, it will affect the way I think, so I try to alleviate it when it becomes noticeable.

Also I've not shaved for two weeks or so. My moustache and goatee has grown back to its former glory.

I previously opted for the clean-shaven look, leaving just a little bit of my goatee. But being influenced by this TV show Breaking Bad, I'm now certain that looking bad-ass is the way to go.

Besides work, I've decided to break out of my comfort zone and try new things. I signed up for a 10-km run. Which I've never done in my entire life.

I wanna get healthier. I want to build up my stamina. And I think this is a good way of seeing if I'm making progress from all the jogs I've taken the past year.

I've also pushed myself to be more social. I'm forcing myself to overcome situations which I normally feel would be awkward. So far it has been successful / rewarding.

Nothing in life worth having comes easy.

So I would say, right now, life is good. Life is looking up.

I've always taken pride in being able to read people, but I'm finding it more and more difficult. People just aren't that easy to figure out anymore.

Either that or I've become too much of a pessimist. I assume the worst in everybody, but I often find myself surprised.

But I suppose that is my self-defense mechanism.

I have this theory, on why suddenly everything is falling into place. Life begins at 25.

Well, my life at least.

I feel that some things are expected of me, and when I turn 25, I'm supposed to do these things. Or accomplish something. Or put something in motion.

It's just that feeling, you know? That nagging feeling, deep down inside. You know what I'm talking about.

I turn 25 this December. I'm still not certain on what it is exactly I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm certain next year is the time I'll find out.

The world has a way of correcting stuff out, and I believe it isn't a coincidence that my life is the way it is now.

As any other person that cannot predict his future, I worry. Worry is a good thing. Means you care about what it is your worried about.

So when you're worried about something, do something about it. Make something happen.

It is better to worry about the outcome of things that you've done, rather than worry on something you're not doing anything about.

If you're hungry, you don't just stay like that and hope the hunger goes away. You grab a bite.

Worry works in the same way. Only thing is, there's only so much you can do. The rest is not up to you.

Till next time.


Monday, August 19, 2013

Internet deficiency.

This absence of Internet is awful. I'm confined to only my phone's internet, and it's limited to only 1GB. I could extend my current Internet service, but I'm thinking of saving some cash, so I don't know whether I should.

I think nowadays in modern society Internet connection has become a necessity, and high-speed Internet is almost a must. At first when I stopped using my Unifi, I thought "I mostly use the Internet for social networking, I don't see why I can't just use my phone". Now, I realize that in between the Facebooking and Twittering, I use the Internet for a lot of other stuff as well, such as paying bills, reading news, watching videos, downloading tv shows / mp3s, looking for jobs, work-related mail, movie bookings and etc, and most of these things aren't exactly convenient to do on a smartphone.

But I'm trying to teach myself a lesson. To avoid spending unnecessarily on things that I may want but don't really need. This Internet connection is something that I want badly, but I don't really need it to survive. I can just go to the cyber cafe. It's a slight inconvenience, but nothing too cumbersome.

What else is going on in the world? Hmm. Apart from my silly Internet problem, nothing much. Oh, I was promoted to engineer from graduate engineer, so that was cool. In a engineering consultancy firm, you're classed by how experienced you are.

You start off as a graduate engineer, doing most of the paperwork and hard labour so to speak, and if you don't screw up too much (you'll screw up, trust me, part of the learning process) you get promoted to an engineer after two years normally. Now you'll have bigger responsibilities, having to deal with other departments and clients. There are several stages of an engineer, and normally after 10 years or so, you become a senior engineer, making big decisions on what you're in charge of and having one or two engineers doing most of the work for you.

Just because you're a senior engineer, doesn't mean you know everything, just means you know substantially more than a regular engineer. If you're really good / experienced, you become the lead engineer. You're basically running the show on whatever project you're on, and you're doing both engineering and management work. You're not just doing engineering work, you're managing the progress, the people, the costs, the whole thing.

There's also a principal engineer, when you're at this level, you're expected to know anything and everything under the sun, and you mostly advise people, rather than do all the work. But since you'll be getting the big bucks, most companies aren't content with you just sitting around doing nothing, so they'll find something for you to do anyways.

Due to the knowledge hierarchy, there's really no shortcut going up the ranks. Your boss may promote you a bit faster if you have a good attitude or outstanding work performance, but it rarely happens. It's also a bit harder for the boss to play favouritism, promote the smooth-talking guy or the ridiculously-hot girl faster, but things like this are inevitable. Sometimes you're bound to find out that someone is getting more money than you because he / or she is friendlier with the boss or something, it sucks, but life's like that.

Just a short one this time.


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Random anecdotes 2

I have never actually been a go-getter, I'm more of a come-hither?

Life has one way or the other, pushed myself in uncomfortable situations, and I am forced to adapt. And I think I adapt well.

I'm an adapter.

But seriously, as the saying goes, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Or the Malay version, masuk kandang kambing, mengembek, masuk kandang lembu, menguak.

The English one sounds so much nicer.

Very recently did I realise the meaning of the word friendly. Means friend-ly, or friend-like. So when someone is friendly, it means that he acts as if he is your friend, even if he or she is a total stranger.

The fact that it took me 25 years to understand that word, probably means I am not very friendly.

Sometimes I am surprised when someone is overly friendly towards me. "woah, why is this guy being so friendly. this is very curious".

If it were a girl, "she must totally be into me. makes perfect sense".

But sadly, this is almost never the case.

There is this one girl at the office, very friendly to everyone. She's a nice person to talk to.

But she likes to ... touch. Not the funny kind of touch, but sometimes grabs my hand and stuff, which I am not really comfortable with.

Which is awfully funny because she once complained to me that there is this one mat salleh that likes to touch her, and she doesn't like it.


Maybe I should touch her more, see how she likes it. Give her a taste of her own medicine. Only I probably won't be touching her hands...

Joking obviously.

I think some people are comfortable with physical contact. As in, its something normal.

At this oil and gas convention I went to today, I saw this mat salleh woman kissing a guy on both cheeks.

The guy looked TOO happy after that. Probably a pleasant surprise.

But the girl acted like it was nothing.

I once had a guy that was too touchy-feely for me. I clearly was not comfortable, and I showed it. And he noticed, and he dialed it down a bit.

If you've been following my blog, yeah it's this guy.

But the fault is not with him entirely. He was brought up like a girl, more or less. He is more girly than some of the girls I know.

God knows he can be annoying sometimes, but that's like pot calling the kettle black.

Not sure if I'm using that proverb (?) correctly, but I'm trying to say I'm annoying too.

People nowadays are more open to new ideas, new concepts, new looks, new behaviour.

Whereas in the past you'd be shunned by your community if you were gay, or even showed minor signs of gayness, nowadays saying bad things about gays makes you become the intolerant homophobe.

If everyone was gay, humans would be extinct in no time. I'm just saying.

Life is full of ... complications. responsibilities. expectations.

My mother has attempted to set me up with a girl. A cousin's friend.

They showed me her picture. She wasn't to my liking, but I did not have the heart to say.

They seemed awfully excited about all of it. Haha. My mother, my uncle, my aunt.

Oh yes, setting me up HAS to be a family affair, no such thing as hush hush in this family.

So I decided to play along.

Seems my mother has already shown my father the girl's picture, and he said nothing.

So after I saw the picture, I asked my father about it. (my mother was there also)

He kept quiet for awhile, and then exclaimed "NEXT!".

Saved by the father. haha.

Truth be told, marriage was never in my plans. Study, graduate, work, profit, millionaire.

But now I see it probably should have been. It certainly would make things easier for present me.

It's such a big thing, it's hard for me to imagine myself being married.

Plus there's a reason why it's called settling down.

Or, to indulge my romantic / girly side, maybe I've not met the person that makes me want to settle down.

But I'm slowly opening up to the idea of it. Hence the playing along.

Will update on this as time progresses.

I've been tweaking my phone a lot lately. Nearly broke the damn thing completely. But luckily managed to fix it, and got what I wanted.

I'm just bored. I should get a hobby which I'm passionate about.

Something that doesn't involve physical activity...

Time is precious, the seconds, minutes, hours, days that I take for granted are the days I will never get back, and when I'm old, I'll look back and think about these days and wonder why I wasted the time given to me so carelessly.

The paragraph above is basically a signal that the post is coming to an end and I'm about to get all deep and philosophical, so bear with me a few more paragraphs.

In my humble opinion, science can never produce any physical or substantial proof that God exists.

Because if science can in fact prove that God exists, that would mean that science encompasses God. Which would mean Science is GREATER than God.

Which obviously is not possible. Science is merely our way of justifying what is going on around us. Science is purely based on our observations and reasoning.

Both of which are limited.

Take our eyes for example. Our eyes are only able to see roughly 4% of the entire electromagnetic spectrum. Which means that everything we've seen with our very eyes is only a mere 4% of the entire picture.

Same goes for our reasoning. A child's reasoning is limited if compared to an adult's. Our understanding now is leaps and bounds ahead of what we understood a thousand years back.

Therefore, if you believe in God and are hoping for experimental evidence that He exists, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.

But that is faith. Faith is believing in something without any proof.

But does this mean all theists (opposite of atheists, I'm told) , are idiots?

Again, in my humble opinion, atheists too are people of faith.

Only that, they put their faith in Science. They believe in science because it's logical. Because there's physical or conclusive evidence to support what they believe to be true.

It is easier to believe in Science alone rather than to believe in God.

Again, science is limited to what we can prove. They can't prove that God exists, therefore they say He does not exist.

No one reading this post can physically prove that I (the author) exist.

However, this post could not have materialized out of thin air, therefore someone must have wrote it.

It is the same with God.

I leave you with a quote from a funny movie I saw a few years back, which I think sums up my point perfectly.

"A thousand years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, they knew the Earth was flat. Fifteen minutes ago, you knew we humans were alone on it.

Imagine what you'll know tomorrow."


Thursday, April 25, 2013

Ramblings of a madman 3

I've realized how serious I've become these past couple of years.

Well, not me in real life, but this blog in particular.

There's no more funny crazy nonsensical posts blabbing about God knows what.

And more of the deep, dark, gloomy type of posts that supposed to be insightful but is mostly confusing.

I think I'm turning slightly emo. Or goth. Or whatever you call those people.

Life is... bland. Monotonous.

I've tried to spice things up by eating more chilli, but all that did was irritate my bowels.

Ok joke.

But seriously though, excitement is temporary.

I'd love to get excited all the time, be hyped to go to work, like "OMG today is gonna be so awesome" like I'm a blonde fashionista going to work at Vogue or Marie Claire or something (don't ask me how I know these magazines), but it doesn't work that way anymore.

New things excite me, and as I get older, I'm not as new as I used to be, and new things become another version of old things.

I went to Universal Studios Singapore recently. Pretty cool place.

The rides were pretty wicked. But I didn't get to ride on all of them coz of the time constraint.

Also I was a bit scared. Especially of the hanging roller coaster, where you're just dangling on this speeding roller coaster, hoping and praying to God that the seats don't suddenly experience mechanical failure and drop you in the middle of the ride.

Did I mention I'm scared of these rides?

But I did go on the normal roller coaster where you sat down. It was pretty cool, if you consider being half scared to death pretty cool.

I'm not sure why I paid RM200+ to go in. Haha. Maybe for bragging rights, just to tell people, oh yeah I did go on that roller coaster of death. Girls, admire me now.

But the excitement was temporary. Granted, it was an enjoyable trip, the place was beautiful, the rides were spectacular especially the Transformers 4D ride (superb, really) but the true fun was just hanging out with friends.

I think it's important to keep your friends close. As you grow older, you tend to be more distant with your friends. You've suddenly got a job, responsibilities, priorities. Hanging out with friends is no longer at the top of your list.

Then suddenly you're married. You stick to your spouse most of the time. You now have someone to take care of, to look after. Your friend is pretty close to the last thing on your mind right now.

Then BAM!, you've got a child. Someone literally depends on you to survive in this world.

"Er, friends? Oh yeah I had those back then..."

I speak like an old person. I know. My interests are old people interests. When I'm with friends, I often talk about that video I saw on Youtube about this cool gadget, or that movie I saw last week, or that jazzy track that I don't know the title of, but sometimes I do like to talk about religion, philosophy, current affairs (not to be confused with politics), ideas, concepts.

But most of the people I know prefer to gossip more. Lol. I try to refrain, but sometimes I indulge for the sake of conversation. And sometimes it serves as a self reminder too.

I cannot imagine what I would be like when I'm older. Will I be the old hermit, living alone at the house on top of that hill, all grumpy and bitter, and perhaps slightly insane?

Not too farfetched, considering my parents' house is on top of a hill. But let's not worry about that for now.

Sometimes, I like being alone. But I hope I don't die alone.

Makes me think about what God has planned for me.

I am a firm believer that everything is already set. I'm just living it out.

Though this is not a thought shared by many. My boss believes we set our own path.

It is through our actions that we determine our future.

He often has these mini lectures in the evening, and he would talk, very passionately if I may say so, about religion.

Sometimes I would counter his points, but he's my boss, I can only argue so much.

So instead I vent out here. Where nobody will read it. haha.

Though the concept of everything being predetermined is a difficult thing for the human mind to grasp, it is not as difficult as you might think.

Say for example, you had dinner last night. You might think, I had dinner by my own free will. God didn't force me to have dinner, or go to that specific place, or order that specific food. I made the choice myself.

But the fact is you ate dinner because you were hungry. You were hungry because your stomach sent a message to your brain saying its empty (simplistic way of explaining it, I'm an engineer, not a med student). Do you control your stomach? No. Do you control what your brain does? In this case, no. Can you control what messages your brain receives and ignores? To a certain extent, probably yes, but ultimately, no.

You might be saying, "Bah, I could've decided to skip dinner. This proves nothing." But could you? The fact remains that you did, and technically you could've, but your stomach and your brain said no.

Then there is the fact that you chose where to eat, you chose what to eat. So how is it that God dictated all that when I had just thought of what to eat there and then?

There must've been a reason why you suddenly wanted to eat at that place, or eat that particular meal. Maybe someone brought you there before, or you saw it on television, and that compelled you to go. Or maybe you suddenly have a craving to eat something. Or maybe it's your weekly routine to go eat there on that particular day.

Try tracing back the reason. Let's assume you saw the food place on television. How are you able to see? Because you have functioning eyes. Why were you watching television? Because you were bored.

If you were a blind person or weren't bored on that particular time that food place ad came on the television, you wouldn't have had dinner there.

Trace back all these reasons, all these choices, all these decisions, and think really hard, and you will realise that you've been programmed that way. Anything, everything that you have done up to today has been preprogrammed or written.

Everything that has ever happened in your life in one way or the other has contributed to the very mundane fact that you had dinner last night.

There are so many things that happened in your life that it is near impossible to believe that everything was planned and was made to happen by God, but if you open your mind and accept that He is All Powerful, you will wonder why you did not come to this simple conclusion sooner.

There is no free will. It is merely an illusion.

By this point, if there were any atheists reading this blog post, they'd be rolling on the floor laughing their bottoms off. And I do believe that most God-believing people would probably disagree with me as well, but it is what I believe. And I believe this to be the truth.

But for whatever reason, you stumbled on this blog post and decided to read it to the end. There is an infinite number of things that you could do at this very second, but for whatever reason, you're still reading.

Up to you what to believe.

But there is also that possiblity that no one is reading this and I am talking to myself as usual. Hermit in training then. :)

So much for not making this a serious post.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Realize it or not, we've passed the first quarter of this year. Another blink of an eye, it'll be 2014. What have I achieved so far? Hmm.

As I finished typing the above sentence, I suddenly realized how hot my room was. It was scorching hot during the day, yet it did not rain, so the heat persisted to the night.

So I went out of my room and lay down on the sofa in the living room. It wasn't very cool outside either, so I sat down instead.

For reasons unknown, my heart started beating fast, but only for no more than 6 beats. As if announcing his arrival, my housemate came out from his room as well. It wasn't just hot in my room it would seem.

After hearing me blab about the hot weather like an old grandpa, my housemate asked me if I had heard about a friend's passing. I was stunned. I didn't hear anything.

He told me he found out on our whatsapp group. I jumped out of the sofa and rushed into my room, grabbing my neglected smartphone.

It was Ijam. Last I saw him was about a year ago. I have not spoken to him since. We weren't that close, he was considerably older than me. I knew him through my father.

I didn't know he was sick. Another member of the group didn't know either, so he asked.

Apparently he passed away just a few hours ago, around Isyak. After taking his wudhu, he felt light-headed and nearly fell down, that people had to hold him up.

He then proceeded to sujud. And he was of this world no more.

MasyaAllah. Innalillah.

Sometimes God gives us the clearest of signals, yet we turn away from it.

I feel as though I am a bubble, floating aimlessly in the vast ocean. I am being pushed by waves up and down, left and right, back and forth.

I do not know where the waves are pushing me, or whether I am even moving from that same spot at all. But I do know that this bubble has not yet popped.

I do not know when that will be, but I know it is not now, and that can only mean there is a purpose to all this seemingly-endless drifting.

But the ocean is immensely vast, and with no end in sight the thought of floating above one treacherous wave after the other can sometimes be overwhelming.

Everything happens for a reason. No matter how small and insignificant this one tiny bubble is, it exists for a reason.

Perhaps one day we will all find out. Until then, live your life to the fullest.

Peace. :)

Monday, March 25, 2013

Introvert / Extrovert

I am a self-proclaimed introvert. Yet ask any of my current friends, and they would probably disagree.

I once did a test, and the test said I was an extrovert too.

But in fact I am not. At least I don't think I am.

I am very quiet when it comes to new people. I rarely ever start conversations.

But I find it necessary, especially in work. To be friendlier.

If I'm not going back to my hometown Ipoh, most weekends are spent alone at my apartment, catching up on chores I've neglected to do during the weekdays.

I really don't feel the need to call up and bother friends on weekends.

But that doesn't mean I won't go out if anyone asked me.

I've always thought of myself as an introvert, yet most people think otherwise. 

Now I'm not so sure.

How does one define an introvert? 

Seeing as how I'm too lazy to Google for the answer, how do I define an introvert?

One : I don't mind being alone and not talking to anyone. 

I wouldn't go so far as too say I prefer being alone as opposed to with friends, being with friends is fun, but there are times I wanna be alone. 

Two : I rarely find myself talking to strangers. 

Not the type of person to get into lengthy conversations with the cashier at this restaurant I normally go or what, but I do put in an effort to talk to people when it feels awkward, i.e when you're in an elevator with just this other person and you see each other almost every day but never really talked.

Yes I think that is a strong proof that I am an introvert.

Three :  I think a lot.

More than I would care to admit. I like analyzing things, and sometimes I end up realizing things that upset me. Although I am not sure that thinking a lot constitutes as an introvert.

I feel that thinking a lot makes me an introvert is because there's a person I know at work that talks a lot, but can be a bit oblivious sometimes.

And I'm a 100% sure she's an extrovert.

I have this friend which I would swear is an extrovert, but he insists that he is an introvert. If it is TRUE that he really is an introvert, then he has mastered the art of conversation superbly.

Conversation is an art. To introverts especially. The words do not come flowingly to the tongue. You'd have to be on your proverbial conversation toes to strike up an interesting conversation, and its even tougher to keep the conversation going.

Especially if you're talking to someone you've just met. 

But sometimes its easier. Coz since you don't know much about the person, you can just ask question after question.

It's the people that you know but don't really have that much in common that's hard.

What on earth would I say to these people.

I don't wanna appear rude and reserved, but I really can't think of anything to talk to these people most of the time.

Being Malaysian, most of the time I talk about the weather, rain in particular. Haha.

Next I talk about food. Makan mana?

Once those two topics are discussed, and that said person is still there, I'll just keep quiet and hope they start talking next.

Like now...



Friday, March 8, 2013

Illogical Atheists

The concept of God, to an atheist, is a ridiculous one.

It does not make any sense at all, to them.

However, how many of people that believe in God, thinks that the existence of God makes sense?

Out of the billions of humans in this world that believe in the concept of God, how many of them actually think that God makes perfect sense?

That it would actually be absurd to think that God does not exist?

How many? How many among us, if asked question after question, with logical reasoning, would probably come up to the conclusion that God is not logical?

A mere made-up notion thought up by people ages ago.

We all claim to be logical, educated people that believe in experimental proof and common sense.

We believe all these theories about atoms, cells, electromagnetic forces, chemistry.

Because its been proven to be true.

Yet when the subject of God arises, we turn off our logic and simply choose to believe.

I was once asked by a Muslim woman which was much older than me, that had proper education, a thought-provoking question.

She says that she believes in God and everything, but she wonders why is it that God allows for so much pain and suffering to occur in this world? 

We hear day in and day out of people getting killed, babies left in trash cans, suicide bombings, school shootings, horrifying terrible things, and I suppose she wondered for awhile, if there was a Merciful God, why would He allow such things to happen.

I do not know for sure why she asked me of all people, (out of the blue if memory serves) but I think it was because she was afraid of people treating her differently. Most of us simply dismiss tough questions such as this and follow blindly. 

But it is a most logical question, so I wonder if this 30-something year old university-educated woman thought of this, how many of us Muslims or believers of God for that matter, have similar doubts in our minds.

How many of us, if born in a slightly more liberal country, would renounce our religion and never look back.

My gut feeling tells me that by the time you're reading this sentence you're probably got frowning eyebrows, furiously reading and worrying that I've gone mad and lost faith.

Haha. No no I'm still perfectly sane. For the most part.

Despite not being a 100% Muslim country, the Malaysian Constitution is written up according to Islamic law. It actually prohibits people from going murtad. 

The Malaysian constitution dictates that if you are a Malay, then by law, you MUST be a Muslim. According to the law, there is no such thing as Christian Malay. This is why years ago there was so much noise about the Malay girl that converted to Christianity and wanted to put that in her IC.

If she were successful in her bid (which she wasn't FYI), any Malay in this country could convert and there would be absolutely nothing anyone can do about it. 

I partly feel that this is why the opposition are so gung-ho on promoting equal rights between races and brandishing the Sultans as wasters of public funds.

The special rights of the Malays and the sovereignty of the Sultans are in the Malaysian Constitution. If they can convince the rakyat that either one of these are stupid rules, then they can change the bit about the Prime Minister having to be a Malay, and worst, Malays not needing to be Muslims.

But I'm straying away from topic at hand.

When that woman asked me, me being a bit younger then, told her that I believe that what happens to others is not just a test to them, but a test to us as well. Take example the Palestinians being oppressed. It is a test to them, no doubt, but it is also a test of character for us, their Muslim brothers and sisters. What are we doing to help them? Are we at the very least sympathetic? Or could we not care less?

When you see someone being mugged on the street, do you help or do you ignore in fear of you being hurt / mugged as well?

Or perhaps a more subtle one, if you're late for work, do you run a red light and deny people that had green their right of way, or do you wait?

I recall a certain someone complaining that she was not tested, and she feared that it meant that she was not worthy of being tested, which ultimately meant she was not a good person.

We are constantly being tested, only thing is that the tests aren't meant to be obvious like the ones we take in the university. If it were we'd cheat or study just immediately before the test, and then pass when in fact had it been a surprise test, we'd fail miserably.

Are we not under 24-hour observation by the two angels at our sides? Not to mention, God, all-seeing and everything.

Also, I think if you're worried that you're not a good enough person, odds are you are good enough. Lol.

Upon hearing my explanation, the woman agreed with me. I do not know till this day whether she merely agreed because she regretted asking the question and did not want to cause any more concern or because she truly agreed and I managed to put her curiosity to rest for the time being. 

I hope it was the latter. Nowadays, I would have a different answer, but that is another discussion for another time.

It is not wrong to be curious, to question what we believe, in my opinion. Even the prophets of old asked God for proofs, not because they didn't believe, but because they wanted to strengthen their beliefs.

I truly feel that if we really understood science, we would come to the conclusion that it is absolutely illogical to believe that there is no God.

After all, the Big Bang is merely a theory. There is no conclusive evidence, merely signs that tell us it is probably true, and that so far we've not found signs to say that it is false.

Yet we take it as fact and assume it to be true.

Is it that far-fetched an idea to think that God does exist?


Monday, February 11, 2013

The Key to Happiness.

Happy New Year!

Well, Happy Chinese New Year to be exact.

I was supposed to blog at least once a month, but I forgot last month. My bad.

Also I didn't really have anything to write about.

Honestly I think I write better than I speak English. My verbal English is bad, I think.

Probably from lack of usage. Must try to speak more.

Maybe speak to myself more. Like I do in this blog. Ahaha ha.

7 lines in, and I've already run out of things to say. Hmm.

Safe to say that I won't be a professional blogger in the near future....

But then again, all these professional bloggers do is post pictures of themselves (because most of them are very pretty), with very minimal writing done, and voila!

Tells you what the real world is like.

I saw this video very recently. It's a talk by Cameron Russell, an underwear model, and she talks about what her life as a model is like. It's a 10-minute video, you can watch it if you want.

If you don't, basically she's saying, looks aren't everything, don't judge a book by its cover. And pretty people are also very insecure of their looks.

I've been watching loads of these videos lately. They've been an eye-opener of sorts.

No, not because I've been watching videos of underwear models, (just this one, I swear), because some of these videos make you think on what you think you already know.

There was another video which struck me as very interesting. AND there was no underwear model involved.

It was a video by a psychologist that talks about happiness. Why are we happy? Why are we unhappy?

It's a slightly longer video, 22 minutes long to be exact, but its worth the watch. I'll post it at the end of the post.

The gist of the video is that happiness is not determined by what you get / have, it is determined by the way you look at it.

I'm 25 years old this year, and I think I'm entering the soul-searching phase of my life, so all these questions come to mind.

Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Why am I unhappy? Why am I happy? Should I be content?

There was one point in time where I was upset with myself for not being happy. I kept asking myself, "You have everything, so why are you not happy?"

It took me awhile, and a whole lot of thinking and doing, basically changing the course of my life, but I think I've found the answer.

The key to happiness is to be happy with what you have.

This is the key.

If you can do this, you shall be happy for the rest of your life.

This is of course not to say that you will never be sad. Of course there are things in life that may upset you, but as French Buddhist monk Matthieu Ricard once said of anger, "It will cross the mind like a bird crossing the sky without any tracks".

This also does not mean that you should be passive and not strive for anything more than what you already have. You should, and by all means you must, because for every second you live, you are that much closer to death.

This is to say that if you try but you don't succeed, it sucks, but don't beat yourself up about it. No point in being sad about something you can't control.

Of course, its easier said than done. But I believe it works.

Sometimes, in our pursuit of happiness, we do things that we might regret later on. We so desperately need to feel happy, we do things like take that higher paying but stressful job, or buy that house we can barely afford, or date that ridiculously beautiful but awfully shallow girl.

I have a friend that appears to not know what he really wants. His first job was a high-paying one, but it was in another country, so he felt alone and lonely.

So he decides to leave the job, get a job in Malaysia with a lower pay, but at least he's near to his friends and loved ones. Finally gets married, but now says he cannot work a desk job, he has to do something more hands-on.

So what does he do? He decided to get another job, similar to his first job, and in that same country.

I don't know about you, but looks to me like he's back to square one. Make that square negative 1, because before it was just bachelor him missing friends and family, now its married him, far away from the wife.

When he asked our group of friends, myself included, whether he should go for that job he was offered, me being myself, I told him that he instead should focus on his family. Bad enough that they were living in different states at the time, now he plans to move out of the country and go offshore for weeks.

But he says to me that he HAS to try, he cannot live not knowing what it would've been like, what it could've been like.

So I told him to go for it.

As a friend, we wish, we hope that we could dissuade our friends from doing things that are bad for them, but if they are adamant, the only thing we can do is support them and hope for the best.

The key to happiness is to be happy with what you have.

This is actually considered mengumpat, but I suppose its for good.

If you wish to stumble upon happiness, I think you should at least know what you want, else you'll end up with a lot that you don't.

Enough for now.