Thursday, April 25, 2013

Ramblings of a madman 3

I've realized how serious I've become these past couple of years.

Well, not me in real life, but this blog in particular.

There's no more funny crazy nonsensical posts blabbing about God knows what.

And more of the deep, dark, gloomy type of posts that supposed to be insightful but is mostly confusing.

I think I'm turning slightly emo. Or goth. Or whatever you call those people.

Life is... bland. Monotonous.

I've tried to spice things up by eating more chilli, but all that did was irritate my bowels.

Ok joke.

But seriously though, excitement is temporary.

I'd love to get excited all the time, be hyped to go to work, like "OMG today is gonna be so awesome" like I'm a blonde fashionista going to work at Vogue or Marie Claire or something (don't ask me how I know these magazines), but it doesn't work that way anymore.

New things excite me, and as I get older, I'm not as new as I used to be, and new things become another version of old things.

I went to Universal Studios Singapore recently. Pretty cool place.

The rides were pretty wicked. But I didn't get to ride on all of them coz of the time constraint.

Also I was a bit scared. Especially of the hanging roller coaster, where you're just dangling on this speeding roller coaster, hoping and praying to God that the seats don't suddenly experience mechanical failure and drop you in the middle of the ride.

Did I mention I'm scared of these rides?

But I did go on the normal roller coaster where you sat down. It was pretty cool, if you consider being half scared to death pretty cool.

I'm not sure why I paid RM200+ to go in. Haha. Maybe for bragging rights, just to tell people, oh yeah I did go on that roller coaster of death. Girls, admire me now.

But the excitement was temporary. Granted, it was an enjoyable trip, the place was beautiful, the rides were spectacular especially the Transformers 4D ride (superb, really) but the true fun was just hanging out with friends.

I think it's important to keep your friends close. As you grow older, you tend to be more distant with your friends. You've suddenly got a job, responsibilities, priorities. Hanging out with friends is no longer at the top of your list.

Then suddenly you're married. You stick to your spouse most of the time. You now have someone to take care of, to look after. Your friend is pretty close to the last thing on your mind right now.

Then BAM!, you've got a child. Someone literally depends on you to survive in this world.

"Er, friends? Oh yeah I had those back then..."

I speak like an old person. I know. My interests are old people interests. When I'm with friends, I often talk about that video I saw on Youtube about this cool gadget, or that movie I saw last week, or that jazzy track that I don't know the title of, but sometimes I do like to talk about religion, philosophy, current affairs (not to be confused with politics), ideas, concepts.

But most of the people I know prefer to gossip more. Lol. I try to refrain, but sometimes I indulge for the sake of conversation. And sometimes it serves as a self reminder too.

I cannot imagine what I would be like when I'm older. Will I be the old hermit, living alone at the house on top of that hill, all grumpy and bitter, and perhaps slightly insane?

Not too farfetched, considering my parents' house is on top of a hill. But let's not worry about that for now.

Sometimes, I like being alone. But I hope I don't die alone.

Makes me think about what God has planned for me.

I am a firm believer that everything is already set. I'm just living it out.

Though this is not a thought shared by many. My boss believes we set our own path.

It is through our actions that we determine our future.

He often has these mini lectures in the evening, and he would talk, very passionately if I may say so, about religion.

Sometimes I would counter his points, but he's my boss, I can only argue so much.

So instead I vent out here. Where nobody will read it. haha.

Though the concept of everything being predetermined is a difficult thing for the human mind to grasp, it is not as difficult as you might think.

Say for example, you had dinner last night. You might think, I had dinner by my own free will. God didn't force me to have dinner, or go to that specific place, or order that specific food. I made the choice myself.

But the fact is you ate dinner because you were hungry. You were hungry because your stomach sent a message to your brain saying its empty (simplistic way of explaining it, I'm an engineer, not a med student). Do you control your stomach? No. Do you control what your brain does? In this case, no. Can you control what messages your brain receives and ignores? To a certain extent, probably yes, but ultimately, no.

You might be saying, "Bah, I could've decided to skip dinner. This proves nothing." But could you? The fact remains that you did, and technically you could've, but your stomach and your brain said no.

Then there is the fact that you chose where to eat, you chose what to eat. So how is it that God dictated all that when I had just thought of what to eat there and then?

There must've been a reason why you suddenly wanted to eat at that place, or eat that particular meal. Maybe someone brought you there before, or you saw it on television, and that compelled you to go. Or maybe you suddenly have a craving to eat something. Or maybe it's your weekly routine to go eat there on that particular day.

Try tracing back the reason. Let's assume you saw the food place on television. How are you able to see? Because you have functioning eyes. Why were you watching television? Because you were bored.

If you were a blind person or weren't bored on that particular time that food place ad came on the television, you wouldn't have had dinner there.

Trace back all these reasons, all these choices, all these decisions, and think really hard, and you will realise that you've been programmed that way. Anything, everything that you have done up to today has been preprogrammed or written.

Everything that has ever happened in your life in one way or the other has contributed to the very mundane fact that you had dinner last night.

There are so many things that happened in your life that it is near impossible to believe that everything was planned and was made to happen by God, but if you open your mind and accept that He is All Powerful, you will wonder why you did not come to this simple conclusion sooner.

There is no free will. It is merely an illusion.

By this point, if there were any atheists reading this blog post, they'd be rolling on the floor laughing their bottoms off. And I do believe that most God-believing people would probably disagree with me as well, but it is what I believe. And I believe this to be the truth.

But for whatever reason, you stumbled on this blog post and decided to read it to the end. There is an infinite number of things that you could do at this very second, but for whatever reason, you're still reading.

Up to you what to believe.

But there is also that possiblity that no one is reading this and I am talking to myself as usual. Hermit in training then. :)

So much for not making this a serious post.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013


Realize it or not, we've passed the first quarter of this year. Another blink of an eye, it'll be 2014. What have I achieved so far? Hmm.

As I finished typing the above sentence, I suddenly realized how hot my room was. It was scorching hot during the day, yet it did not rain, so the heat persisted to the night.

So I went out of my room and lay down on the sofa in the living room. It wasn't very cool outside either, so I sat down instead.

For reasons unknown, my heart started beating fast, but only for no more than 6 beats. As if announcing his arrival, my housemate came out from his room as well. It wasn't just hot in my room it would seem.

After hearing me blab about the hot weather like an old grandpa, my housemate asked me if I had heard about a friend's passing. I was stunned. I didn't hear anything.

He told me he found out on our whatsapp group. I jumped out of the sofa and rushed into my room, grabbing my neglected smartphone.

It was Ijam. Last I saw him was about a year ago. I have not spoken to him since. We weren't that close, he was considerably older than me. I knew him through my father.

I didn't know he was sick. Another member of the group didn't know either, so he asked.

Apparently he passed away just a few hours ago, around Isyak. After taking his wudhu, he felt light-headed and nearly fell down, that people had to hold him up.

He then proceeded to sujud. And he was of this world no more.

MasyaAllah. Innalillah.

Sometimes God gives us the clearest of signals, yet we turn away from it.

I feel as though I am a bubble, floating aimlessly in the vast ocean. I am being pushed by waves up and down, left and right, back and forth.

I do not know where the waves are pushing me, or whether I am even moving from that same spot at all. But I do know that this bubble has not yet popped.

I do not know when that will be, but I know it is not now, and that can only mean there is a purpose to all this seemingly-endless drifting.

But the ocean is immensely vast, and with no end in sight the thought of floating above one treacherous wave after the other can sometimes be overwhelming.

Everything happens for a reason. No matter how small and insignificant this one tiny bubble is, it exists for a reason.

Perhaps one day we will all find out. Until then, live your life to the fullest.

Peace. :)