Sunday, April 19, 2009

whenever that may be.

it is beyond my own understanding as to why tonight is special. perhaps it is the first time i went to the local pasar malam, after so many months of staying here. perhaps its because of the 11pm bath i just took as it was so hot and humid (typical malaysian weather). perhaps its because its monday tomorrow, and im just looking for a reason not to sleep. in my books, its not tomorrow until you sleep, tomorrow does not start at 12 am. whatever it is or was, it got me to write in my blog, so it was a good thing.

as i struggle to type while being in the dark, (literally, as my roommates wanna sleep and they turned off the lights), i again began to wonder what was it i wanted to write in this old, dusty (conceptually) blog.

after so many months of no updates, no one would ever visit this blog again. hell, even i dont visit this blog anymore. haha. perhaps that would be best. no pressure to update. which is what i intended for in the first place.

the thing about not writing for so long, so many months, so many minutes, (i like arranging the words this way, makes it and me sound epic and sophisticated. haha), you'd have so many things to write about, you won't know where to start first. for goodness sake, some people blog every single day, and they still have loads of things to write about. my life is just not that interesting. haha. with that being said, let us begin.

death has come and claimed a life of something close to me today. it was something very close to me, without it i feel so helpless in today's cyber-fast world. alas, life must go on, and it too, if given the gift of thought and speech, would not want me to mourn its passing. thus i bid farewell to my dear mouse, you have been a dear friend for these past months. no, i am not talking about my hamster, i am talking about my mouse, as in "click click" not "cheep cheep". haha. if hamsters actually go "cheep cheep". haha.

"what will happen to a face in a crowd when it gets too crowded?"

with a crowd of 6 billion people at the moment, does our individual existence on this earth really matter? what does one more human being mean? honestly, i myself do not know, as i myself am one of those faces in the crowd. perhaps jason mraz would know, as he seems like an intelligent person, plus he was the one that thought up of the quote above. its in one of his songs. and just so happens i was listening to it when i was writing. thought it was something interesting to share, something to get the juices flowing, apart from the usual brain numbing stuff i write. haha.

have you ever been to an f1 race?  one word describes it. loud. ridiculously loud. i would not recommend one that has a weak heart or a low maximum safe threshold of hearing to go to one. but for someone like me, (lazy and sarcastic) (no, not lazy and sarcastic, likes fast cars and can handle loud noises. haha), it is worth every penny (assuming you actually paid for the tickets in pennies). the sound of an f1 car roaring past you in Sepang is similar to the sound of thunder, only it has a more coarse, harsh quality to it. if given the choice of listening to f1 cars or thunder as a form of torture or punishment, i would most definitely pick thunder. despite the eardrum-shattering noise, it was an enjoyable experience, i would definitely go again next year if given the chance.

the thought of studying for the rest of your life would be terrifying for some, but i find myself devising a way to actually never graduate from UTP, just to avoid jumping into the working world. i guess it goes without saying that i am greatly loathing my working experience in johnson and johnson. i now understand the dishonorable actions of my predecessor. i would not abandon my responsibilities on an uninformed new practical trainee, i am far too responsible (however near "far" may be) to do that, however i understand why she did it to me. the stress is almost unbearable at times. if i were a pillar supporting the weight of a building (relating to stress), the building would most probably be the leaning tower of pisa. the damn thing is already leaning. lol. (hopefully that made sense. haha)

moving on from the lame engineering comparison, i dread each day that i have to go to that god-forsaken place. i count the very minutes to reach the blessed weekends and i subconciously programmed my brain to keep track of the number of seconds before my dreaded internship period ends. sigh.

to be fair, i have learned a lot in the past 4 months. the things that i learn here do have some relevance to what i have studied, and probably will see again in my actual working environment. the pay is quite high compared to other companies. but the working environment is a very stressful one. my supervisors aren't really helping. they themselves are stressed out, but perhaps they have better motivation (i.e:their pay is good). they are stressed out and they vent some of that stress at me at times. which is making me so stressed coz i dont have that much of a motivation.

my actual supervisor is not giving me the marks i want, is extremely emotional, finds faults in almost everything i do, passes every single meaningless and time-consuming tasks that she does not want to do to me, and has very bad communication skills. or maybe i have very bad hearing skills. regardless, in conclusion, i want to go back to UTP to study. something i would never imagine myself saying.

i do not wish to stop writing, but my brain is sending signals to my eyes to occasionally blink, which probably means my body is tired. which means i should probably sleep to avoid dozing off while reviewing those boring BRR documents. i sincerely hope my supervisor will lighten up in the near future, and see that i am really trying to impress her by listening to her comments about being more alert and proactive (whatever the hell that meant) and having a more positive mood and outlook on the tons of non-engineering related work she throws at me. controlling myself from yelling at her when she criticizes and mocks me for even the tiniest bit of mistake is proving to be more difficult by day. even more so when i think that my scholar, JPA is actually paying UTP approximately 4k+ for me to work in this hellhole.

as i end my literary experiment, i wish everyone a happy and prosperous life. life is short, live it. until we meet again my dear blog.

whenever that may be.