Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Sleepless night.

I can't sleep.

Probably due to my bloated stomach.

I've got to wake up at 4 30 tomorrow. And at 2 am, I cant sleep.

Maybe that dream woke me up.

Yes, I had a dream. Someone was getting dumped.

No it was not me, that was doing the dumping, or the one being dumped.

It seemed like I was observing from afar. Maybe stalking from afar.

At least that's what my heart is telling me.

Funny, how I dream about other people.

Its really funny when you think about.

How humans really need other humans in order to survive.

Would someone die if he had no contact whatsoever with another human?

Probably not.

Would he go crazy by the time he died?


Plus, the first human ever, before being sent down to Earth, lived in Heaven.

He had all that he could possibly want there, yet he felt as if something was amiss.

He felt.. alone. So God created him a partner, to keep him company.

I guess its programmed inside our brains.

We need a partner in life, one from the opposite gender.

After all, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

This has almost nothing to do with what I dreamt earlier.

I'm just killing time.

I said recently that I feel like disappearing. I meant it.

Not disappear as in "missing persons" disappear, just keeping under the radar.

I don't know why. Sometimes I just feel like it.

Despite efforts, I can't seem to go back the way I was 10 years ago.

No social life whatsoever, always stuck in front of the computer.

And I was happy. I had no interest in going out whatsoever.

I went to the movies with my family, and thats about it.

Did not hang out with friends outside of school.

10 years ago, I was in Form 2. I was 12 throughout my Form 2.

Yes, its surprising, but I skipped standard 4 and I was born in December.

So yes, I was 12 years old when I was in Form 2.

I was 15 when I did my SPM. Only about a week later did I turn 16.

I finished my matriculation when I was 17.

I graduated and went for my convocation before my 22nd birthday.

Compared to most of my peers, I'm always the youngest.

Although its just a one year difference, some people never made me forget it.

Not in a positive way.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me. Confidence-wise, I was pretty much screwed back then.

See, if you're a younger girl, apparently guys dig that, so you're good.

But if you're a younger boy, girls don't really dig that so much.

And this fact was made clear to me, especially so by the girl I was kinda sorta going out with when I was in matriculation.

FYI, was never my gf, but close. (disclaimer in case pesky cousins still read my blog. haha)

She kept pointing out the fact that I was younger. Said that my immaturity was due to this one year gap between us.

In my opinion I think it was her that was being immature.

But in the end I think she did fall for me. And I did fall for her.

But only in the beginning. I found out she wasn't what I wanted.

So after matriculation, we went our separate ways, to put it politely.

Anyways, this wasn't what I wanted to talk about.

Sometimes I felt as if life went by faster than it should.

Because of people like this, life went too fast, and all too slow at the same time.

But after awhile, I became more mature, and these things don't bother me as much.

'As much' being the key word(s) here.

In case any pesky cousins are reading, no I don't have a gf, I've had close friends, but no gfs.

Close calls, but no gfs. Haha.

(Mungkin boleh sebarkan berita ini kepada family Haji Arshad supaya tak ada la tiap2 kali family gathering asyik kena tanya soalan sama je.)

Okay i should be trying to go back to sleep again. I need to wake up in another hour.

And I will disappear from the online world for a bit. Just for fun. Just to see how long I can last.

So, till we meet again. Take care. All the best. Sleep tight. Sweet dreams.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Remembering Him.

It is a pity I had only thought of writing this article after our beloved's birthday, but as they say better late than never.

We've all heard stories of how incredible our Prophet is, but the one that I really connected with, other than this, is the story I'm about to write here.

Once upon a time, our beloved Prophet was fasting with his wife Aisyah. On the first day, when it was time to break fast, they only food they had was four pieces of kurma
. So our Prophet took two, and his wife took two, and they ate.

On the second day, they only had two pieces of kurma with them. So they made do with what they had and they both took a piece to break their fast.

On the third day, all they had was one single piece of kurma. Seeing this, our Prophet divided that one single piece of kurma into four equal pieces. Three pieces he gave to Aisyah, one piece he took for himself.

So before breaking fast, he held up his hands to make doa. As the story goes, they were apparently being watched by two angels nearby, and when Rasulullah held up his hands, they were afraid.

They were afraid that if in the doa Rasulullah mentioned about the lack of food, and they just stood there and watched, they would face Allah's wrath. So they decided to do something about it.

The first angel materialized himself in front of Rasulullah. He then said to him, "Ya Rasulullah, I am the guardian of the seas. Say the word, and I shall bring forth to you from the deepest depths of the ocean, a most exquisite dish that no one before you has ever tasted."

But Rasulullah said nothing.

The second angel then tried his luck. He then materialized himself and said to our Prophet, "Ya Rasulullah, I am the guardian of the earth. Say the word, and I shall extract from the very centre of the earth, minerals of immense value, which will bring wealth beyond measure not only to you, but even to your children's children."

But again, Rasulullah did not respond.

He then proceeded to make his doa, which in Bahasa Malaysia can be roughly translated as:

"Hanya Engkau yang aku maksudkan, dan keredhaan-Mu yang aku tuntuti."

And he then ate his kurma.

Why is this particular story so touching to me?

First of all, everything happens according to God's will. It is His will that we are who we are today, be it rich or poor, naughty or nice.

In other words, it is God's will, and God's will alone that our Prophet had only one piece of kurma that fateful day. And it is God's will that the two angels sitting there, offered what they had offered.

So our Prophet, knowing this, also knows that if God had wished for him to live in the lap of luxury, he would already be so. So despite the unbelievably tempting offers by the two angels, he declined. He accepted his fate.

How many of us are happy with what we have? We live extremely luxurious lifestyles as compared to our Prophet, yet are we satisfied? We still crave more.

If we can't be thankful with what we have now, how can we be so sure that we will be thankful when we get what we crave so much?

And also, when we ask for more, do we act as if we know whats best for us? Perhaps more is less. And what we have at the moment is the best. God should know whats best for us, don't you think?

Secondly, the word 'tuntut' in this context means 'to study, or to learn' as in 'penuntut Universiti', not 'penuntut hutang'. Therefore, when our Prophet said " keredhaan-Mu yang aku tuntuti", it can be interpreted as our Rasulullah is learning or trying to understand what God has planned for him.

In other words, he does not fully understand why he is in the condition that he is, but he accepts that what God gave him is the best, and he tries to comprehend it.

When you think about it, no man wants to see his wife having only 3/4 of a date to break fast with. No man wants that. But he believes 100% that God knows whats best for him, and thus it is only down to him to try and comprehend the reason behind it all.

So with that humility in mind, he only points out that he is learning what God has given him, and dares not ask even the slightest bit more.

It truly brings a tear to my eye sometimes when this story comes to mind. How humble, how faithful a servant to God our Prophet is. We all know that he is created to perfection, yet perhaps what we don't realize is that there is also immense effort on his part to actually be perfect.

We know that he is perfect. But we must also never forget that he is human. If he is the ideal condition for a human being and it is impossible to be like him, if we can reach even 10% of what he is like, if that were to be your lifetime achievement, you would have lived an incredible life.

In essence, this story was told to me by my father as it is, but there may be slight inaccuracies within the details. Also, the interpretations for the most part are mine alone, I do not claim it be accurate nor true, only my humblest of opinions and thoughts.


Sunday, February 13, 2011

Seeing through the eyes of a Geekazoid.

I think after so many months of not writing anything proper, this particular post pretty much covers it back. Its long, be warned.

Before I moved here, i.e Four-eyed Geekazoid, my blog was called Life, as I see it. It was exactly what it was called. It was life, mine, others, whoevers, as I see it. It may not necessarily be right, but thats how i see it. And when you read the blog, or sometimes when i read it back, i can really see through the eyes of younger me.

When i read the earlier posts, I can see how I was back then. I see how I progressed, my writing becomes more matured supposedly, becoming more thoughtful rather than more rubbish-y (although the rubbish is usually the fun stuff, no one wants to be serious all the time).

Old people always say wisdom comes with age, but you never really believe them when they say it. You, or in this case, I'd nod in agreement, but in my heart I'd say what a load of tartar sauce. haha.

Its been 4 years since i started blogging, well, to be exact 1 more month till its 4 years, the first entry on the previous blog was in March. And it takes me 4 years to realize what they were saying weren't bollocks after all.

For the most inexplicable of reasons, ever since I started working, the only thing I can talk about when having deep conversations with close work friends is about life. How is life nowadays, how life was before, what life is going to be like. When you grow up, you tend to worry more. You never worry about these sort of things when you were studying.

Really, when you think about it, sure while studying, you sometimes think about what you're going to be when you graduate, when you're going to start a family, etc2, but only when you graduate, only when you step into the real world do these things hit you smack! in the face, like a brick thrown by a professional brick-maker / thrower, if there ever was such a thing.

I worry. Yes, almost every day. I just try not to show it, because that's who I am. I am not one who shows his true emotions easily. I worry almost every single day, what I will be like one year from now, will I like what I'm doing, will I be happy with my life, will I be stable financially, will I be able to afford to start a family, all sorts of nonsensical rubbish.

Even then, I still consider myself lucky, seeing as how I still have freedom to do the things that I want, for example if I wanted to quit my job today, I'd still be okay. I can't imagine the things people endure when they're married, even more so when they're with children. They don't really have the luxury to do the things they wanted to do, they're bound to their spouse, they're bound to their children, and the responsibilities towards these people.

I sometimes meet people in the plant that are clearly unhappy with their work, they make no effort whatsoever to conceal it, but they still have to work. "Anak bini nak makan apa kalau berhenti? Kerja je la, nak hidup".

Sometimes people are so eager to get married, girls especially, but do they realize the responsibilities that comes with marriage? Its not just the ultimate gesture of commitment (for girls i think) or a way to legally get laid (for guys rofl), it is a binding contract that comes with heavy responsibilities that sometimes requires you to do things that you do not want.

But of course, it does come with its benefits.... rofl.

I have found over the years the importance of being social. Sometimes it is not something i feel like doing. "I have my group of friends, why do I need more again?", is what my brain would say. But in certain occasions, when you don't know anyone, you have to be social. Its just something that you have to conjure up, kinda like confidence. Plus you never know if that person you're talking is quite the interesting fella, and you'd definitely want to be friends with.

Speaking about confidence, I usually lack the confidence to talk to new people. I seem to have no problem with public speaking or interviews though, but when its one on one, like a social thing, i have problems. When its an interview, of course you get nervous, but I just suck it up and suddenly I'm all confident. When its one on one, its harder! I have no idea why that is. Most people have it backwards i think. Or maybe I'm the one backwards.

Oh, that reminds me, answer to encrypted message is I don't care anymore. Let it be so.Message is actually referring to the status of the interview i went to before. They still haven't given an answer, and I'm kinda tired of waiting. Congrats to those that figured it out! You have just won....

... nothing really.

And that little bit of information reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend KB. about catalysts. sometimes in life I need catalysts to push me to do stuff. It can be a certain someone, or a pressing situation, but I would often need a catalyst to react more quickly and more agressively. If not, I would just be like Patrick and watch as life, or a special someone, or a golden opportunity pass me by.

But that's just who I am. I can't help it. Maybe you can. And maybe I can help you. That's what friends are for, they say.

I've been truly blessed to have met and befriended the people that I know today, I would be absolutely lost and confused without them (you guys included), and though my ego does not allow me to show it, know that my heart cares deeply for each and every one of you.

My heart is so happy sometimes that I can't help but smile when I see you. My brain is telling me " keep it cool bruh! stop smiling!" but I just can't help it. haha. That's just who I am.

So cheers, assuming that you've actually read through the entire post,you've discovered a different side of your quiet friend today, and to avoid further damage to my ego, I shall stop here.

Till next time dear friend, peace.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011



5x5 grid.