Thursday, February 6, 2014

Grow Up

These past few days, I've developed a habit where I would take a short nap before my bedtime and I would suddenly wake up in the middle of the night somewhat fresh from the said nap, and can't continue the sleep I will so desperately crave the next day at work.

Thus I decided to pour my thoughts here. Perhaps clearing the mind would allow the body to fall asleep.

Hello 2014. You have been great so far. I just came back from umrah. It was a good trip, for both body and soul.

But even before that, I noticed that this year would be different from all the other years.

In December, I turned 25. 

A friend pointed out to me that we both were turning 26 this year. 4 years before we turn 30. We need to have a game plan, can't just keep goofing around and going with the flow.

I agreed, I needed to form a game plan, not just a plan of video games I wished to play.

All my life, I somehow felt I grew up too fast. Not that I had a bad childhood or anything, I had a great childhood, just that sometimes I feel as though I'm being given these responsibilities even though I still feel like a child.

The skipping of standard 4 and going straight to standard 5 might have something to do with it, but I doubt that's the only reason.

Even in secondary school, matriculation, university, working life, I felt as though I'm still this child stuck in this adult body, and supposed to do adult stuff like pay taxes, pay bills, work to earn a living etc.

I've always felt it, but everyone around me was treating me like an adult, so I suppose I had to act like one.

But after my birthday, I felt different. I felt as if now I AM an adult. I've grown up. Spiritually maybe? My consciousness finally caught up with my physical self.

There is an opinion that our bodies are merely vessels, space suits, if you will, whereas we are the soul and the soul needs to be in the space suit in order to live in this realm.

Feels like it's the truth. To me at least.

There is no big difference in this aging of the spirit, just that I no longer feel that uneasiness when I realize I'm an adult, and most of my friends are married and some with children.

To a certain degree, marriage scares me. Because it is meant to be a permanent thing.

But upon thinking and thinking about this concept which I will some day have to embrace, I've decided that it will be a positive change in my life. Gives me a sort of stability, I suppose.

Up to today, I don't think there's anything I've chosen that's permanent to that extent.

Job? Can always change to a new one.

Degree? I can always go for another one. Or go crazy and do something totally unrelated. Which is not that crazy actually.

Friends / acquaintances? Some stay, some leave.

People come and go. 

Not too long ago, I went to an old friend's wedding. I have not seen him for years. Therefore I was excited to see him. We were quite close as children, you see.

After eating and before leaving, I went to see him. I was very happy to meet him after so long and also very happy for him.

But the feeling did not seem mutual.

He saw me, but was a bit preoccupied with his tengkolok being adjusted by the photographer.

After a few shots, he shook my hand. Barely making eye contact, he asked me whether I had eaten or not. 

I said yes, straining to maintain the smile that was so effortlessly formed minutes ago.

He casually introduced me to his wife as a friend from school. The wife seemed to give me more attention than he did.

He then proceeded to greet other guests that came, his current friends perhaps.

I awkwardly said goodbye and hurriedly left the scene.

He is busy, he is tired, I told myself.

It's been 10 years or so since you last met, I reminded myself.

Still I could not help feeling sad and embarrassed.

People forget.

I sometimes forget that.


People move on.

I should too.


I've been dwelling on the past. Too much.

Time to move on.


Time to grow up.