Tuesday, April 24, 2007

time to change.

crap.how long has it been?ive been very busy. too busy. and still, i have to waste on all those unnecessary stuff.such as writing blogs. haha. but wut the hell, tonite, ive got to release sum tension, chill for a bit, even if its for one day...

i jz had my thermo test this evening. and the best way to describe it, catastrophic. only God can save me. i had no idea how clueless i was on this subject. seriously. im as blind as a bat without the sonar(or wuteva it is dat bats use to navigate their way around) in dis subject. crap. crap. crap. need to get back on track....

its funny, how i say dat so often, yet i never seem to be able to do so. i jz get hyped up for a moment, and then, its gone. damn. wut the hell is wrong wif me? argh.. how i miss d days when all i had to do is eat, sleep and have fun... haha. dumb, i know, coz during the holidays i always get as bored as hell, and at dat time, i wud think, how "cool" wud it be to have sumtin to do rite now, such as study for exams.. haha. dumb and dumber.

no idea wut to do bout this. i hv another test dis friday, n i havent studied at all. im a bit worried, yet i dont show it. ignorance is bliss. no denying dat. but they shud hv told us dat regret hurts hell of a lot more than how blissful ignorance is. haha.

y is it dat humans(specifically, me) like to repeat their mistakes? is it in our genes? (the heroes fan talking here.. hehe. if u havent watched the series, u shud!)... we seem to know dat wat we're doin is wrong, yet we still do it. do we lack the courage to do so? most of d time, no. it is bcoz we chose to do so. it is determination dat we, or more specifically, i lack. i do not hv the determination, d strength, d willpower, to do wut i need to succeed. in the end, it all comes down to dat one little attribute dat defines me so perfectly. its d thing dat keeps u in bed supposedly jz 5 minutes more.. d thing dat makes u finish ur assignment tomorrow instead of today. d very thing dat makes u fail ur exams(most of d time neways) n makes u bloody fat (haha). laziness. yes, the root of all things bad. laziness.

imagine wut the world wud be like if sir isaac newton was lazy. instead of creating newtons law of gravitation and all sorts of laws of physics, he probably would've jz taken a bite from the destined to be famous apple and be happy dat he has food in his stomach. and that poor apple probably wudnt b as famous as it is today. haha. side tracking a bit, that apple is probably the most popular fruit in the history of mankind. if not for that particular apple, we probably wud be in the stone age. haha.

getting back to the main topic, lazy. this blasted attribute dat i have clearly is my primary attribute. it defines who i am. if i am not lazy, u cud say im not yasin. but there are times when i got rid of this ... curse.(i hv no idea wt 'sifat' is in english other than attribute. haha. God help me.properties? haha. chem engineer in d making) i mean, in my school years, nearing d big exams, im no longer lazy, im like super hardworking(from my point of view lah, for most ppl dat may look like an average study routine..). but y cant i do it nowadays? hmm...

who knows really...  if its d environment, all my housemates r basically bookworms. haha. no offense guys. not all of u nehow. but most of you. me? im probably a cyberworm. haha. never a bookworm, never not a cyberworm. haha. maybe ive changed. i cant really say. its all in me, and it seems, i dun want to score as bad as i thought. i mean, if i did, i'd surely be studying rite now instead of writing stuff in a blog.. hehe. kidding, mr blog. i like writing stuff here, and im gonna continue doing so as long as i can, for as frequent as can be, even though at times 'frequent' may not be the appropriate word to be used.

so, here i am, blabbing on and on bout how my test was disasterous, catastrophic, and me being lazy as hell, when all i have to do to change dat is simply to change. jz start being more hardworking from this very second. be more disciplined, no more slacking, no more foolin around. but change, even though it can be so easy at times, other times, its practically impossible. hmm.more crap. all talk, no action. argh!

dah la, i'm tired of writing. y write bout all dis crap, y. when all im goin to do after dis, is sleep, wake up late, play games, watch movies n practice on my violin? oh yeah, i jz got my 1st violin! woohoo.. im officially a violin player, i guess u cud call me a violinist.. huhu. although, if the use of the word is dependent on ur ability to play the violin, i hv a LONG way to go b4 neone can call me a violinist. if the word violinist even exists lah. haha. teruknyer my english. im talking manglish! argh! i never want to speak manglish. but it is inevitable i guess, after all, im in malaysia, and i speak english, its bound to catch up to me, sooner or later. manglish is definitely easier to speak, easier in the sense it takes less time to say sumtin in manglish then in proper english. example? say u see sumone staring at u. if u were speaking PROPER english, u wud probably say, "excuse me, but i noticed that u were staring at me. by any chance, do we know each other?". but if u were speaking PROPER manglish(if there is such a thing.. haha), u most probably wud say "what look look?". haha.

neways, enough digressing, as i was saying, im tired. really. im tired of getting crappy marks. im tired of studying, jz to find out later dat ive barely studied squat. im tired of having to stare around d exam hall, jz to get an idea of wut the hell it is dat the exam question wants from me. i'm tired of feeling like crap, each time i finish a test or exam.... im tired of feeling unprepared each time i take a test.... i need to change. simple as dat. change. as digi put it, its time to change. and wut a time it is. nearing d exams. nearing d deadlines to all d projects. it IS time to change. i'll try. wish me luck guys. i'll need every prayer i can get. we'll see wut becomes of me in my next blog.

finally, id jz like to say, even though it might be a bit late for most of u guys, especially my peeps in um, but gud luck. may all ur exam question seem relatively easy to u due to the abundance of knowledge in ur brain. may u no longer feel unprepared, unconfident of ur capabilities in scoring. may u have d best of marks possible, n may u do so with the highest integrity possible( in manglish, no tiru-ing la.) huhu. to ibs, we shud b motivating each other. haha. bl lagi nk jadi mcm dl. main xigt dunia, tp score tetap gempak. hehe. we were d very definition of cool. haha. to be cool is to be yasin, to be ibs. to be lame wud be un-yasin or un-ibs like. haha. too much exaggeration. klah, im trying to make a change in my lifestyle here... gotta stop wasting time. hehe. take care ppl. chow.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

still hope for me yet....

hmm... its been awhile, hasn't it? not dat i've been dat bz, nor hv i been lacking on things to write, believe me, i can write every day, i used to do dat when i act had a diary,(hua3), but i got lazy. hehe. i had loads of stuff to write, but i dont wanna waste my time writing crap. i want to write things dat have an impact on my life. hehe. corny, i know, but wut the hell. at least u guys wont be wasting time reading crap. my blog is very educational... hehe. pendidikan moral.

my cousin got married. yeah. it seems more n more ppl r gettin married these days. huhu. neways, slmt pengantin baru to him n his wife, may they live happily ever after, until the end of their days... interesting enuf, there were no wisecracks of me having a gf. hehe. i guess my cousins, my aunts must be tired from all the asking and teasing. hehe. let me state here for the record, i dont have a girlfriend... maybe when i do have a gf, i'll tell you guys, since you guys are so persistent in asking. huhu.

oh yeah, meb test results came out. the one dat i said was d hardest(refer to last blog). indeed, it was hard, and it was harder for me to swallow what i got for the test. really hard. i know it was not going to be good, but i didnt expect it to be THAT bad. nope. hmmm... i guess, its times like this, it would be nice to have a gf, to have sumone you can really talk to.. hehe. nevermind all that. i'll comfort my own self for now... whats even more frustrating, my fren, actually got quite good grades! hell. he always gets good grades. no surprise there. but next time, try not to be so bloody modest, sumtimes it gets on ppl's nerves. especially when you say you did the test badly, and then come up with an almost 'a' mark. really. what i dont like more than that is a person that doesn't even tell what his/her marks is, but goes on asking ppl what their's is.that's just not right. in fact, its quite rude. although its not written in the students handbook or whatever, it is almost compulsory for you to reciprocate when a person tells you what his/her got for the test. but,even these type of people dont compare to ppl that actually LIE about their marks. what the hell does dat do? a person kindly tells you his/her marks,(even though if its not good, if i might add), and what do you do? you LIE to their face. my God, have these ppl no decency? seriously, what kind of human being are you!!!??? okay, i may have went out of line with that last one, but still, its a shameful thing to do, so whoevers doing it, please stop. you're not gonna make any friends like that, only the opposite. neways, where was i? oh yeah, d part where ppl are getting higher marks than me.. moving on, the worst part is, even though the test was bloody hard, some bugger actually got full marks! serious shit, i kid you not. i doubt dat d guy would be reading my blog, but if he is, i salute you! "you are a god amongst flies...".magneto said that in xmen. even though my pride is hurt, at least i get some motivation to study more. obviously the lifestyle i had in pasum isn't going to work here in utp. lesson learnt.

the big finale. this part is going to be bloody long, so bare with me. if you think so far it the blog is boring, stop right here. read no more. haha. tq 4 reading, now get lost. haha.

when i was a kid, my dream was to become famous. yes, famous. i dont know why, but back then i wanted so badly to become famous. at primary school, i wasnt that famous, but i had my group of frens. probably after skipping one year, going from standard 3 to standard 5, dat i became a bit known throughout the school. i was in d 2nd batch of students dat made it, and i was d 1st malay to do so at dat school. nice. hehe. but i didnt realise it back then. haha. i guess i was blinded to these things back then. those were the days. i had as much fun as a kid could possibly have, yet still get good grades. huhu. if only it were true these days. huhu.

neways, skipping a few years, lets go to when im in form 4. i guess, you could say, during this period of time, i was one of the 'rich and famous'. huhu. dont ask me why i got famous dis time, probably bcoz i got straight a's on my pmr, probably bcoz of my striking good looks(hehe, i WAS the center of attention to some of d chicks, this is my THEORY lah, not necessarily true...), or simply bcoz God wanted it to be dat way. nehow, with time, i realised, this wasnt what i truly wanted. it wasn't as cool as i thought it would be. huhu. sure, everyone knows me, but for some reason, everyone feels like i owe them a smile, or a handshake everytime i walk past them. i dont just smile to everyone i meet, hell, sumtimes i dont even smile to ppl i DO know, let alone the ppl dat i dont. so ppl started talking bad stuff, doing bad things to me, so you can guess dat it isnt dat fun when ppl start talking crap bout you.

i didnt do so well in my spm. ok i guess, but not as good as my previous big exams. i had half hoped to go overseas, but with average results, no way man. maybe if i actually concentrated more on my studies instead of... 'other' stuff... but what the hell, no use crying over spilled milk. and its been my sole dream, to fly overseas and further my studies.

there wasnt any way for me to do so. my spm was my only ticket to do that. and instead of having a 1st class ticket, i just got an average ticket. so no flying overseas for me... but it has been in my heart ever since that moment. i tried applying for scholarships based on my matriculation results, but to no avail. apparently you basically need to be almost a genius to get these overseas scholars. huhu.

neways, after much struggling, i actually got a scholar, but only a local scholarship. nevertheless, i am grateful, though secretly, i still hold on to that dream, no matter how slim the chance may be. i cannot imagine what that would be like. huhu.

unbelievably, i just found out of a way to further my studies overseas! well, its not exactly what i had in mind, but, beggars cant be choosers. you see, in utp, as i just found out recently, they actually send students overseas for industrial internship. actually, i know dat already. hehe. what i didnt know was dat it doesn't only apply to international students, it also applies for local students. huhu. meaning, for 8 months, you will be sent to a faraway country, to gain experience on how your work will actually be like in the future. technically, its not what you would normally call 'further studies', haha, but im desperate. i need something. i need a drive to motivate me to study. ive been slipping. slowly drifting away, everyday becoming more and more ignorant to my studies, everyday becoming more and more captivated in my own world, where you dont have to study hard to succeed.... hmmm... i need this. i need this thing. im holding on to it.....

haha. im starting to sound like a lunatic.. huhu. whatever lah. i want this. im going to try harder to get it. im not just going to sit around and wait for it to happen. im going to work for it. im going to earn it. YEAH!!!!! haha. (psychotic, i know, wut the hell, at least it gets me pumped up..)

so dats pretty much it ppl. oh yeah, i dont feel like editing my blog this time, so im leaving it as raw as it is. usually i'd check for spelling, grammar errors, and see if ppl wud actually understand what im saying, haha, but not this time. some ppl, they use their state of poverty to motivate them, some ppl, use their girlfriend to give them the strength and the will for them to succeed. alhamdulillah, i'm not poor, (nor am i rich, lets be clear on dat.), and unfortunately, i dont have a gf. huhu. so im using this, this small chance, to redeem the mistakes that  i committed during my spm, as my inspiration. my driving force. my salvation, hopefully.

slightly psychotic, somewhat emo dis time. huhu. chow.