Sunday, August 17, 2014


A close friend of mine is getting married.

I often tell myself if he gets married, that's your signal.

You need to get married.


We are a lot alike, we often think the same way, he often can predict what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, and I'd like to think I am the same when it comes to him.

I used to have this mentality where I still feel like a kid.

Marriage sounds so adult-ish.

But I'm 25 now. Turning 26.

I'm starting to feel more and more like a grown-up. An adult.

I have a stable job as an engineer, I have a car, I pay bills and taxes.

I do adult stuff now.

I play games less. I'm more serious.

When I meet up with friends, I discuss work, politics, family, religion, current events.

Adult topics. Which may sound boring, but I enjoy engaging in intellectual discussions.

Of course I do talk about fun stuff like games, movies, music, etc.

But I'm gravitating away from it, more or less.

It's no secret my parents want me to get married. Haha.

But they've been really cool about it, not pressuring me to do anything.

They know I'm trying, sort of. Lol.

I never thought I'd say this here, but I have been in relationships before.

I've been trying to hide it, but I think I'm grown up enough to discuss it maturely. LOL.

The constant use of LOL is not helping. Old habits die hard.

I suppose I'm not very good at relationships. They never last very long.

I think mostly it's my fault.

But I tell myself sometimes it's just not meant to be.

I've had my fair share of ups and downs.

The ups being very brief. LOL.

At one point I kinda got bored of the whole 'getting to know the person' ritual.

I was in that 'I just wanna get married' phase.

But I realise for me that's just not possible. LOL.

At least I tried it. So now at least I know what I want.

I won't get into the details of things, but suffice it to say that I'm not really a nice person, relationship-wise.

But I think I've grown to be a better person, because of the mistakes I made.

I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am who I am.

Why am I writing this here? I suppose it's my confession.

I've been very dodgy about this topic when I'm discussing it with the family, and I do not know if my family and relatives still read this blog, but here it is.

This is the truth.

Currently, I do not have a girlfriend.

I've had girlfriends in the past. Note the 's'. Means plural, more than one.

I've had plenty of close girl friends that did not turn out to be my girlfriend in the end.

Mostly because I'm picky. Or because they're picky. Or maybe we just didn't connect on that level.

Or maybe we're just good friends.

I am looking for someone.

I am emotionally ready for a lifetime commitment now.

I am not financially prepared per se, as the cost of a wedding now is ridiculous, but it's on my to-do list.

I hope no one is thinking this, but I'm not gay. LOL.

Although, there was that one time....


OK. End of confession.

To be honest, writing this down and posting it may not seem like much to you, but it's a huge leap for me.

I'm trembling at the thought of posting this.

But I feel that it's a step in the right direction.

Baby steps.

Enough for now.