Saturday, May 13, 2017


I am now confused.

I must profess, I thought I got this whole thing figured out.

But seems I don't.

Seems there's things happening that I don't understand.

I thought that the story was over.

That I should just move on as quickly as I can.

But perhaps that was only the beginning.

A few weeks ago, she started to get closer.

We start to text more. We talk on the phone more.

We talk about more things.

At first I thought she's just being nice.

Perhaps trying to comfort me, soften the blow, so to speak.

But I find myself at times comforting her.

Nothing a friend wouldn't do, I thought.

Do I find myself being closer to her now than before?

Yes, but that's probably just a friend thing, nothing more.

She still doesn't see me in that way, I thought.

But there's something else there.

Something that was not there before.

The way she looks at me. The way she talks to me.

The words that she uses.

How we'd go out as a group and when we walk I'd find her next to me.

The way she grabs my arm.

The way she rests her head on my shoulder for the briefest of moment.

As if wanting something, but not wanting to show it.

Truth be told, I shrugged it off as her being overly friendly at first.

Like I said, as I understand it, she said no. And that was the end of it.

But when other people start noticing it, I began to wonder.

Maybe something did change.

Maybe there's still hope.

And that made me happy.

But afraid at the same time.

Perhaps I'm just fooling myself.

Perhaps it's just wishful thinking.

But if there's even the tiniest chance, I know I could not help myself.

So I waited. And waited.

Until I could not hold it in any longer.

So I asked.

I asked if there was something there.

Or if I'm just imagining things.

You did not give me an answer.

Neither a yes or a no.

Which has left me saddened and confused.

Not a particularly spectacular combo.

My mind is on overdrive, trying to decipher every single word, every single action.

But in the end, I can only guess.

I can't ever have a final answer.

Now it feels like the walls that were crumbling, are now being rebuilt.

You hide behind them, as you did before.

Perhaps you're afraid. And I do not blame you if you are.

I only wish you'd give it a try. An actual earnest try.

But for now, I find myself waiting outside these walls.

Hoping. Waiting. Wishing.

You'd let me in someday.