Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Some things I realized due to certain events that occured past few weeks :

i'm a natural at being the bad guy.
sometimes you have to be the bad guy for the benefit of others.

An example would be at work, when my boss is planning to make a move that would really piss off every single employee in my department, only they don't really have the guts to go against the boss.

Which is where I came in.

Practically yelled at the boss, using less than appropriate words for conversations with bosses, spoke my mind (basically everyone else's as well), and stormed off.

Yes, after that little incident I have been nicknamed 'hantu' by my colleagues, but look on the bright side, that move that was going to force everyone to come on weekends, got cancelled by the boss.

One guy even called me up on my off-day to basically express happiness. That call really made my day.

So yeah sure I'm the bad guy. Yes they still call me 'hantu' behind my back, but by me being the hantu, they don't have to be. They can all look like good little employees. When in fact behind the bosses back, they were the ones that were the most vocal.

Truth be told, when boss suggested the move, I said, I'm not entirely happy with it, but as long as I get days off, why not.

Perhaps by me being the bad guy, they get to overlook themselves. No healthy communication between boss, always talking behind bosses back, not able to voice out opinions effectively.

Sometimes its not really the bad guy's fault, but sometimes the situation just requires it to be so.

Not that any of this will matter in a few weeks time.

I've decided. I've gotten an offer, and I'm taking it.

I'm no longer happy with my current work. (amongst other things)

I'm not trying to sound unthankful or not appreciate what God has given me or anything, its just that when you're not happy, you're not happy.

Try as you might, you can never really change who you really are.

Believe me, I've tried.

The one person you can never really lie to is yourself. You can never lie to yourself.

So when you say "I'm so happy to be working here, I'm so lucky", you know deep down thats not really how you feel.

And when you do that, you're not only lying to yourself, you're dragging others along with you.

Your boss might look at you and think "He's still here, guess he's coping and happy".

And its never nice to lead someone along for the wrong reasons.

Might as well end it.

Sure its difficult, sure its hard, sure its painful. For both you and the person at the receiving end.

But better now than later.

Some people don't get the fact that when someone ends a relationship for example, its hard for both parties, not just the one getting dumped.

Example, friend of mine wanted to leave the company a few months back, came to me asking for advice.

He definitely wanted to leave, but felt bad about leaving his boss stranded, having to look for another employee, definitely will affect image of department, etc.

But I told him, everyone feels that when they want to leave, but bear in mind, it would be naive and foolish to stay behind for those reasons, because after that, there won't be a single day that the thought of "if only i had left" won't cross your mind.

There are times when you have to think about others, but there are times where it would be foolish not to think of yourself.

Now its time to muster up my courage and tender my resignation.

I remember my mother telling me about her friend's son. He was about to get married to this beautiful girl, they have been together since school, her mother of course was ecstatic to see his first-born son get married to the girl of his dreams.

Then, on the night before the actual akad nikah ceremony, when his mother was busy getting ready for tomorrow, the son came up to the mother and said "Mama, is it too late to turn back?"

Turns out the guy wasn't really into the girl, was into another girl, but i suppose never had the courage or chance to say so.

The mother couldn't possibly cancel the wedding at the very last minute, so to save face they went on with it.

A year passed, the couple got a divorce.

My mother kept on repeating this story to me time and time again. Never be like this. Never be this irresponsible. Never do something like this to her.

And I never will. When I get married, or maybe, IF i get married, there won't be a doubt in my mind that this will be the person I want to spend my life with, grow old with, fight over the remote control of the TV with, go for Haji with, have children with, argue about how there's so many house chores to be done and I'm not helping at all with, get nagged because I'm playing too much computer games with...

Okay got carried away. But you get my point.

Speaking of getting nagged, I suddenly remember this funny story about one sahabat wanting to meet Umar Al-Khattab, because he can't stand his wife's constant nagging. Upon reaching Umar's house, he finds that Umar's wife is lecturing Umar, and Umar just sitting there listening. LOL.

So afters, he tells Umar about his wife, to which Umar smiled and said, "My brother, my wife cooks for me, cleans my clothes, takes care of the house for me, and nurtures my children non-stop. So when she makes a mistake or two, its better not to cling on to it, while forgetting all the good she has done."

So anyways, cheers to new jobs, new life, new relationships. Cherish and learn from old experiences.

Always hoped the third would be the one. Life does not necessarily turn out the way you hoped.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Much too think, think too much.

"Dear Claire, "What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if?"

I think too much. Is it because I have much to think about?

I think its more or less the same as everyone else. Maybe I'm over-analyzing stuff.

Even writing this post proves I analyze too much.

But its who I am really.

I can't imagine doing something day after day, the same old routine, without thinking.

I'd probably die of boredom if my job was the type were you sit at the assembly line as assemble the same stuff day after day.

After day after day after day...

Its like being in the Hereafter .... when you're Herebefore. (if that makes sense)

The only reason, when I think about it, why I stayed with my current job for so long, is because its .... difficult. Its challenging. Generally different everyday.

You have to think on your feet. You have to deal with all sorts of people. You need to know how to manouver (can't believe i forgot how to spell manouver, not sure if this is even the right spelling). You need to know how to negotiate, give and take.

Not be affected by what people say, and focus objectively on task at hand.

But after awhile, all of that seems.. routine.

The mind adapts. It reacts quicker to unexpected changes. It becomes more active, more critical. Soon, it gets used to it.

Which is when fun turns to boredom.

Sure there'll new problems, new situations, but really, same thing, different day.

Sometimes I wish I was that type of person, the person that is complacent with everything.

That simply gets a job, goes 'Alhamdulillah', and stays with that job and retires.

Or meets just one person, immediately goes ' this is my soulmate!' and stays with that someone, and lives....

Happily. Ever. After.

If only life was a fairytale. If only it were that easy.