Yak yak yak

There is this colleague of mine.

The rambunctious type.

(apparently rambunctious is a non-formal North American word, I just found out. Lol.)

Always has to let everyone know what she's thinking / feeling.

The whole office will know if she's happy or she's sad.

She lets people in on her secrets, with a raised voice.

No whispers, no, no. That would be absurd.

She'd be like "Hey Jack, I have to tell you something, but John, you can't listen!"

Yes, this type of person.

A handful, to say the least.

An earful?

Nevermind.

Me being the slightly introverted person that I am, these type of people generally annoy me.

But I've built a tolerance, of sorts.

These are the people that make the workplace interesting, I think.

If everyone was like me, we'd have a somewhat quiet office.

Everyone would pretend to do work, chit chat for a bit, and at the end of the day go home.

Haha. Kidding.

Every now and then though, I do get annoyed and I do respond back.

Sometimes making fun of what she's talking about, sometimes I criticise her way of thinking.

For the most part, she disagrees with what I say.

She sometimes agrees with what I say, but she will stick with what she thinks is right.

Stubborn. A lot like me I suppose.

Wait, scratch that.

I am stubborn, yes, but I tend to process what people say longer rather than dismissing it immediately.

More often than not, I find myself agreeing to what was said to me later on, even though I thought it was a bunch of phooey (yes apparently that's how you spell phooey, I did not know).

Anyways, today I think I may have overstepped my boundaries.

Or maybe, she thought "I'm not gonna take anymore crap from this junior engineer."

Oh, prudent to note, she also has a bit of an ego when it comes to work, if that was not yet apparent.

Just before lunch, she was ranting on and on about her work problems with a senior engineer.

Also good to note, she is NOT a senior, however feels that she already should be one.

How do I know this? Because she told me.

Yeap, just painting a picture here.

Anyways, there she was ranting on and on about her problems, and this senior, who is NOT known for his patience, is perhaps in a very listening mood, and was very attentive to her needs.

Perhaps he understood that sometimes people need to vent, so he obliged.

I, on the other hand, was NOT very understanding.

To be fair, it's not that easy to be understanding when you sit very close to her and hear her whining and moaning almost every day about this problem.

Day after day after day, for a few months now.

So I suppose I cracked.

I stood up, in plain view of both her and the senior, and I imitated what she was doing.

The senior found it amusing, but clearly she did not.

We then proceeded to lunch together, and along the way she was trying to explain to me why she was like that i.e this is an actual problem, not something that I should be trivialising.

I said to her that the stress comes with the position. You wanna be a senior engineer, this is the type of shit you're suppose to deal with. If you want a no-stress position, go be a graduate engineer.

(did not actually use the word 'shit' btw)

She of course disagreed, saying she has done everything she can to solve the problem, or in other words, I'm right and you're wrong, Yasin.

There's not much I can say at this point, plus I can't be sure that I wouldn't react the same way if I were in her shoes, so I kept quiet.

Lunch proceeded with no further discussions on the topic.

However, after work, I received a Whatsapp from her.

"Yasin, I don't like your attitude when you imitated me today. It is not polite and not acceptable for me. I don't need your opinion about how I lead someone and about my situation. I hope I will not see this kind of attitude anymore. I don't need to explain what I did to you also. Next time I will take further step. If you feel disturbed, just tell. Don't make nonsense like that. I think you're right. I need to change just like I was. So I get more respect from people."

Apart from fixing a few spelling and grammar mistakes, that's pretty much verbatim.

My response?

"OK I apologise."

Hmm.

First off, I thought we were friends, equals, that are able to criticise and take criticism from each other.

CLEARLY this message tells me that she thinks she is above me. And I am beneath her.

Which is hurtful.

Of course, if I saw her as someone who is above me in rank, for example the senior she was talking to, I would not have made the joke in the first place.

Because clearly that's disrespectful.

I am aware that I may have overdone it with the imitating, but still if that was she was upset about, I would've totally understood.

In fact, in the elevator on the way to lunch, I told her I normally would not do what I did, I am not doing this just to spite her, it is just my way of conveying the message.

But that is not the case. She is upset because a subordinate is being rude towards her.

Had I known this is how she perceived herself, I would not have been so friendly with her.

To be fair to her, technically speaking, she is one rank above me, i.e I'm an engineer, she is Engineer 1 but it's just a ranking system.

In my office we don't really have that obvious hierarchical society, it's more of a friendly family setting. We show respect where it's due, of course, but interaction-wise, we see each other as equals.

Again, I probably was being very mean, but that's why I apologised.

I didn't bother explaining myself, nor did I felt that I should retaliate.

Of course I was a bit angry, but... I've come to the conclusion that some people have their own egos.

I have things that I take pride in, everyone does.

Everyone has something that they feel people should respect and acknowledge.

You be an introvert long enough, you pick up on these things.

You spot these things on people, and check to see whether you feel the same way or not.

It's the only way you're going to be a better person.

I try to eliminate all sense of entitlement from me. The world doesn't owe me shit.

God owes me nothing.

Which is where I feel bersyukur comes from. But that's a different topic altogether.

On a slightly happier note, I have found another person that can read other people.

Perhaps even better than me.

Our interactions have been somewhat minimal, but somehow he knew that I am inquisitive.

Perhaps he found out from other people whilst talking with them.

Or perhaps he deduced it in the very few instances we were in the same room.

Which is pretty darned impressive if that's the case.

Maybe I was doing a lot of questioning when he was around. Hmm, could be.

But he seemed pretty sure.

The thing about reading people, it only gives you an idea of what the person is like. It may be true, or you may be totally off by a mile.

But he said "Knowing you, you won't accept that kind of explanation."

Which is indicative of him being pretty darn sure. Which is incredible.

I must say that I was shocked, but it was a pleasant surprise.

Must be more careful in exposing my behaviour and attitude nowadays.

For more reasons than one.

As to the original topic, from here on out, I think I will treat her a bit more differently. Probably distance myself a bit, not physically, but socially speaking.

But I won't treat her badly or anything though. I feel that that's never the solution.

Plus it's not as if I don't treat people badly enough already. Lol.

Sigh, curse of an introvert. Always thinking and rethinking about social interactions.

Enough for now.

Peace.

Confession

A close friend of mine is getting married.

I often tell myself if he gets married, that's your signal.

You need to get married.

Shit.

We are a lot alike, we often think the same way, he often can predict what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling, and I'd like to think I am the same when it comes to him.

I used to have this mentality where I still feel like a kid.

Marriage sounds so adult-ish.

But I'm 25 now. Turning 26.

I'm starting to feel more and more like a grown-up. An adult.

I have a stable job as an engineer, I have a car, I pay bills and taxes.

I do adult stuff now.

I play games less. I'm more serious.

When I meet up with friends, I discuss work, politics, family, religion, current events.

Adult topics. Which may sound boring, but I enjoy engaging in intellectual discussions.

Of course I do talk about fun stuff like games, movies, music, etc.

But I'm gravitating away from it, more or less.

It's no secret my parents want me to get married. Haha.

But they've been really cool about it, not pressuring me to do anything.

They know I'm trying, sort of. Lol.

I never thought I'd say this here, but I have been in relationships before.

I've been trying to hide it, but I think I'm grown up enough to discuss it maturely. LOL.

The constant use of LOL is not helping. Old habits die hard.

I suppose I'm not very good at relationships. They never last very long.

I think mostly it's my fault.

But I tell myself sometimes it's just not meant to be.

I've had my fair share of ups and downs.

The ups being very brief. LOL.

At one point I kinda got bored of the whole 'getting to know the person' ritual.

I was in that 'I just wanna get married' phase.

But I realise for me that's just not possible. LOL.

At least I tried it. So now at least I know what I want.

I won't get into the details of things, but suffice it to say that I'm not really a nice person, relationship-wise.

But I think I've grown to be a better person, because of the mistakes I made.

I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but I am who I am.

Why am I writing this here? I suppose it's my confession.

I've been very dodgy about this topic when I'm discussing it with the family, and I do not know if my family and relatives still read this blog, but here it is.

This is the truth.

Currently, I do not have a girlfriend.

I've had girlfriends in the past. Note the 's'. Means plural, more than one.

I've had plenty of close girl friends that did not turn out to be my girlfriend in the end.

Mostly because I'm picky. Or because they're picky. Or maybe we just didn't connect on that level.

Or maybe we're just good friends.

I am looking for someone.

I am emotionally ready for a lifetime commitment now.

I am not financially prepared per se, as the cost of a wedding now is ridiculous, but it's on my to-do list.

I hope no one is thinking this, but I'm not gay. LOL.

Although, there was that one time....

JUST KIDDING!

OK. End of confession.

To be honest, writing this down and posting it may not seem like much to you, but it's a huge leap for me.

I'm trembling at the thought of posting this.

But I feel that it's a step in the right direction.

Baby steps.

Enough for now.

Peace.

the hungry post

hello.

I've disappeared. for quite a bit. but now I've reappeared.

I've been doing loads of things. mostly nothing of import.

Ultimately nothing is really that important.

But it's important that you do it.

Like perhaps, taking a bath. lol.

I was occupied with work. Silly thing to be occupied with.

When you're on your deathbed, you're not going to regret not working enough.

You'll probably regret not doing things you wanted to do.

Which will probably be very confusing for a person that did not know what he wanted to do.

Or perhaps a very calming moment? Not exactly living your life to the fullest, but having no regrets whatsoever.

You can have everything you ever wanted in life, and you'd still want more.

They say life begins at 40. Feels like an eternity away.

Sometimes time moves both too fast and too slow.

Suddenly it's June, almost half of the year is gone. And yet, 40-year old me is 14 years away from now.

Would it be better if time moved faster or slower?

I guess it would depend on how you currently feel.

Time flies when you're having fun, they also say.

When I was studying, I don't think I enjoyed my final exams very much, yet 3 hours just seemed to fly by in an instant.

So I suppose they were wrong. Or maybe partially wrong.

Time also flies when you have a deadline.

I've been doing a lot of flying lately.

Probably not as much as other people, but enough to make me get used to it.

Not as afraid of flying as I was before.

3 countries I've been to this year, so far.

That's as far as it goes, most probably, all my annual leaves are out. Sob.

Went to Saudi Arabia for Umrah, went to Phuket for leisure, and went to Indonesia for spiritual reasons.

Barely ever at my house when it's the weekends.

But whenever I am home, I don't really have much to do.

I'm turning into a loner. And not so much by choice.

I guess it's true when they say the older you get, the less friends you'll have.

Technically, anyways.

I'm sure my friends are out there somewhere, but I just don't really want to go out and find them.

Makes me sound kind of like a jerk, but it's the old age talking.

I'm not going to say no if anyone finds me and wants to hang out, but I prefer to stay in my cave and hibernate.

I've realised something a few days ago.

Whenever a female friend gets married, that will probably be the last I'll see of them.

There is no socially acceptable way for me to ask them and hang out.

Their husbands would mount my head on a wall.

Which is kind of sad. As some were quite close friends.

But that's life.

You learn and realise new things everyday. Part of growing old.

Funny how I'm not that old yet sometimes I feel ancient.

Some would say I have an old soul, but according to Islam, all souls were "created" at the same time, so we know that's not true.

Funny how I say we know. KNOW. When we don't really know.

We just choose to believe what we're told. And that's faith.

I guess that's why there are 3 levels of faith in Islam, at least from what I know.

Or is it degrees of belief? Potayto potahto.

I did some googling as I did not know the English words for it so, they are :-

1- Certainty at the degree of knowledge (ilmal yakin)
2- Certainty at the degree of witnessing (ainul yakin)
3- Absolute certainty (haqqul yakin)

This website I took it from has a great explanation on the differences between the three. I can't vouch for any of their other content, but this one article is legit and explains it quite well.

Let's face it, even if we're all Muslims, we all have different levels of faith. Most of us are skeptics. We question. We wonder.

But society frowns upon Muslims that question, so we keep it to ourselves.

So whenever something that is said in the Quran for example, coincides with what science has proven, we rejoice and tell the whole world!

We say, "HAH! Science has only discovered what the Quran has been saying for ages! Islam is the Truth!"

But in my humble opinion, this is a sign of doubt on our part.

If we truly believed in something, we wouldn't need anything else to corroborate it, we'd just take it as it is.

If we truly believed in Islam we wouldn't need to have science prove it for us. Instead SCIENCE should prove itself to Islam.

We'd probably go check the Quran to verify the findings of our experiment, or something of the sort.

And I feel the way to achieve that level of belief is to immerse yourself with it.

Make Islam a way of life, rather than just a religion.

How can you not believe then? It is a part of you. It's who you are.

Very philosophical.

Happy Ramadhan everyone. May we all get the most from it.

Peace.

Grow Up

These past few days, I've developed a habit where I would take a short nap before my bedtime and I would suddenly wake up in the middle of the night somewhat fresh from the said nap, and can't continue the sleep I will so desperately crave the next day at work.

Thus I decided to pour my thoughts here. Perhaps clearing the mind would allow the body to fall asleep.

Hello 2014. You have been great so far. I just came back from umrah. It was a good trip, for both body and soul.

But even before that, I noticed that this year would be different from all the other years.

In December, I turned 25. 

A friend pointed out to me that we both were turning 26 this year. 4 years before we turn 30. We need to have a game plan, can't just keep goofing around and going with the flow.

I agreed, I needed to form a game plan, not just a plan of video games I wished to play.

All my life, I somehow felt I grew up too fast. Not that I had a bad childhood or anything, I had a great childhood, just that sometimes I feel as though I'm being given these responsibilities even though I still feel like a child.

The skipping of standard 4 and going straight to standard 5 might have something to do with it, but I doubt that's the only reason.

Even in secondary school, matriculation, university, working life, I felt as though I'm still this child stuck in this adult body, and supposed to do adult stuff like pay taxes, pay bills, work to earn a living etc.

I've always felt it, but everyone around me was treating me like an adult, so I suppose I had to act like one.

But after my birthday, I felt different. I felt as if now I AM an adult. I've grown up. Spiritually maybe? My consciousness finally caught up with my physical self.

There is an opinion that our bodies are merely vessels, space suits, if you will, whereas we are the soul and the soul needs to be in the space suit in order to live in this realm.

Feels like it's the truth. To me at least.

There is no big difference in this aging of the spirit, just that I no longer feel that uneasiness when I realize I'm an adult, and most of my friends are married and some with children.

To a certain degree, marriage scares me. Because it is meant to be a permanent thing.

But upon thinking and thinking about this concept which I will some day have to embrace, I've decided that it will be a positive change in my life. Gives me a sort of stability, I suppose.

Up to today, I don't think there's anything I've chosen that's permanent to that extent.

Job? Can always change to a new one.

Degree? I can always go for another one. Or go crazy and do something totally unrelated. Which is not that crazy actually.

Friends / acquaintances? Some stay, some leave.

People come and go. 

Not too long ago, I went to an old friend's wedding. I have not seen him for years. Therefore I was excited to see him. We were quite close as children, you see.

After eating and before leaving, I went to see him. I was very happy to meet him after so long and also very happy for him.

But the feeling did not seem mutual.

He saw me, but was a bit preoccupied with his tengkolok being adjusted by the photographer.

After a few shots, he shook my hand. Barely making eye contact, he asked me whether I had eaten or not. 

I said yes, straining to maintain the smile that was so effortlessly formed minutes ago.

He casually introduced me to his wife as a friend from school. The wife seemed to give me more attention than he did.

He then proceeded to greet other guests that came, his current friends perhaps.

I awkwardly said goodbye and hurriedly left the scene.

He is busy, he is tired, I told myself.

It's been 10 years or so since you last met, I reminded myself.

Still I could not help feeling sad and embarrassed.

People forget.

I sometimes forget that.

...

People move on.

I should too.

..

I've been dwelling on the past. Too much.

Time to move on.

.

Time to grow up.

Peace.