Saturday, November 9, 2013

Adult stuff.

at last i have internet.

rejoice loyal followers! for I am back!


but seriously though, it's great to have internet back. there's just not much that I can do without internet. I barely ever turn on my computer without it.

there were days where i actually did all my laundry and chores because i was just sitting down doing nothing and thought i should use my free time better.

yeah, really, i was that bored.

I even got myself to join a 10km run recently. and managed to finish. and got myself a medal. haha.


never in my wildest dreams did i imagine myself paying money to go running around. and i could not imagine myself running 10km. because i tire quite easily.

but i suppose it was all in my head. don't get me wrong, i was running very slowly, grandpas were overtaking me, but i managed to finish.

which is a great achievement for me. I wanted something, and I worked for it.

I went training almost every week. I started running just 3 km at first, and slowly worked my way up.

Next I'm going to a faraway country with people I don't know. But more on that after I've actually returned, I suppose.

I've grown my hair long. Previously I wanted to let it grow, but was afraid it wouldn't look professional or what, so I cut it.

But a colleague kept it long, and since he's not getting any trouble for it, I thought I'd keep it long too. Not like I meet clients on a daily basis or anything, I just do my own work at my own table, so I'm guessing no problems there.

But even as I'm typing, the wind from the fan is blowing the hair into my eyes, and I'm kinda not used to that. Haha. Guess I should get a... cekak. whatever the heck you call it in english.

I googled, hairband. lol. I've never actually needed it before, so yeah...

I can't predict life. Haha. I thought I could, but turns out, I can't. I can never tell what's going to happen. Just when I think I had everything figured out, it turns the other way.

Sometimes I'm confused. Not in the "guys look cute" way, but not sure in what I really want. Guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was.

It's funny, not knowing what you want. You'd think you of all people should be an expert of what you want. But no. Once you get something, you think to yourself, I don't like this so much.

So I'm keeping my options open. I'm trying new things. Doing weird stuff. Because who knows, maybe the things I dislike are the things that I actually will like.

I suppose this is part of growing up. Deep inside, I still feel like a child. I've been working for 3 years, I'm a quarter of a century old. And thinking that the next logical step in life is to get married and start a family is scary. I feel that it's not time yet.

Sometimes I read articles in the newspaper and I see "24 year old celebrity to wed some rich dude". My initial thought is, so young, barely knowing herself, barely living life, and already getting married.

But perhaps I'm looking at it from a different angle. Perhaps getting married is a way of getting to know yourself and experiencing life. Also, I think girls are programmed to get married early.

Yeah, because there are girls in my university previously that have targets. "OK before graduation I'm gonna find my future husband. Find future husband, graduate, work mediocre job for awhile, get married, have cute babies, live happily ever after".

Well, at least that's what it looked like to me.

Here's my target when I got into the university.


Yeah, guys are simpler. I didn't go out looking for girls, didn't really have a target for my studies, didn't really think about what I want to do afterwards. Nope. Just wanted to graduate. So I wouldn't waste my money and my parent's money. So that I could get a job afterwards.

After graduation, the target was find job. Job acquired. Wasn't all that picky. Just picked the first one I got. Now what?

"Get a girlfriend and get married and have babies"

Not so easy... Lol.

I'm very picky and choosy. Also, girls are very picky and choosy. Also, girls are very difficult to deal with. hahaha.

Maybe I'm just suited for the single life. But the prospect of growing old alone is a scary one. And I'd hate to disappoint my parents by not giving them grandchildren.

I'm starting to think that maybe one day I'll say, "Screw it, I'll marry this girl, que sera sera". Get it over  and done with.

Not very romantic, I know.

Ignoring the fact that getting married is super expensive and it'll probably be years before I'd be able to afford such a luxury, I've tried and I have yet to find this feeling that says "this person is the person I wanna spend my life with" that I've been hearing about.

Or maybe most people aren't so picky and just grab the first choice that they get and make do with what they have.

Which I feel is stupid. It's such a permanent decision, how can you just "make do"? But I would say I understand why people still do it.

Trying is hard. Failing is harder. Eventually you recover, but you'll not be the same. You're changed, scarred perhaps. A sobering reminder of what might happen again, that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it gets dark. And you're stuck there, desperately clawing in the darkness. Trying to find an escape. When there is none.

Some people I have observed cannot survive without their significant other. It's as if their entire existence is solely for the purpose of having a partner, and without one their life would be meaningless. Which is why some girls (most of the time) jump from one relationship to another, regardless of whether it is with a good or bad partner.

I think this is pathetic. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person. I know that people depend on other people in the course of our daily lives, but to constantly depend on someone is highly unappealing for me. I like to be independent.

I hate talking about this kind of stuff, but I suppose I'm no longer a child and as an adult am expected to delve into the matter. Need to grow up... And talk about adult stuff...

Not that kind of adult stuff. haha.

Money isn't everything, but everything is money. There are things in life I wish to own / do, but money is a limiting factor. And that comes down to two things : job or family. Either you need to get yourself a high-paying job, or be lucky enough to be born into a rich family.

You could of course be gold digger, but that's just stupid. haha.

My job pays well, I suppose. I get by. There are other people that earn more than me, of course, but I can't complain. I have all I need, plus some extra. Truth is, you can never have enough money. Never. You'll always be thinking of things you could buy, and once you've bought them, you'll be looking forward to buying other stuffs. Haha.

So I'm content with what I have for now. Don't have to be a billionaire overnight. haha. Sometimes I tend to rush life. I want things to move at a faster pace. I forget that in life it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. The journey is the most important part.

Enjoy life, enjoy the journey, the destination is the same for everyone, regardless of who you are.