Monologue.

I am stressing myself out too much. I feel like the world is unfair.

I try to focus on the positives and remind myself how lucky i am, but lets face it, I am never content with what I have.

It is part of being human, I'm told.

Its true, you meet all sorts of people at work.

Very nice people, very rude people, hypocrites, timid, honest, all the adjectives you can think off.

Me? I'm the quiet, shy one. I try to avoid coming off as arrogant by smiling a lot.

So far its working 70% i think.

There are people that know my name, when I do not know theirs. Which is a weakness on my part.

I try to be less inhibited by my fears. I feel myself improving by day.

I moan and grumble a lot now. Some people care, but not the ones that should.

Never judge a book by its cover. And never judge people by the way they look.

Apparently, some feel that its professional to yell at someone and expect that person not to take heart.

I just think when you need to yell, you're just not communicating properly.

I tell myself often that I should be grateful, but it always tells me otherwise.

If I am not grateful, at least I am trying to be.

Often when I really think about it, I don't really know what I want.

I thought at first it was money, but when I'm tired I just want some rest.

So I never really ask God for anything specific. I just ask Him to take care of me.

I sometimes wonder if He really is looking after me, and if so, why is he putting me through self-doubt and hardships?

Then He reminds me of Muhammad, and how he was born an orphan.

I really should learn to complain less. But that is just who I am. But I'm learning. Slowly.

I know not if this is the true path He intends for me to follow, but I do know it is leading there.

For now, I'll just have to take it one step at a time.

Peace and love.

Cost indicator.

It was love at first listen. Plus she's like really cute. :P

Forget about the price tag? My mother always told me if you're spending money on food, then you can forget about the price (tag).

So to me, I don't mind spending most of what I earn on good food. I am a bit fussy when it comes to eating, which would explain why I was slightly thinner back in the day.

But apart from food, I seldom splurge so carelessly. I always think twice, or even thrice when wanting to buy something.

I like having loads of money. Sometimes not to spend. Just to know I have lots of it. Haha.

I think some people have the opposite idea. Money is to be spent. If you have excess money, then its for spending.

Why not keep money instead? You'll never know when you'll need it. Plus that brand new hi-tech phone isn't gonna be so hi-tech in 2 months time. Or that cute dress isn't gonna look so cute in 2 months time (coz you're probably gonna buy another cute dress and forget all about the last one.)

But I guess I'm in no position to talk. Different people have different interests. Some people would go hungry just to get that new iPad. Some would sell their iPads for new shoes.

The price tag is important though. When you're eyeing that new gadgetron or salivating over that RM100 steak at Victoria's Station, just remember that some people can barely afford a simple plate of rice with lauk.

I sometimes grumble on my own, thinking about how average my salary is, when some of my colleagues, with the same qualifications as me, are earning almost twice as much.

But seeing as how I'm earning twice as much as one of my housemates, I try to grumble less.

Knowing that we are weak, He sends us reminders almost everyday, to guide us to the right path. And sometimes I feel blessed that I am lucky enough to actually notice His reminders, when so many others do not.

I am not a good person. Although I do know that I am trying to be one.

And for the time being, that is good enough.

Peace and love.

Hehe.

Ego.

Even before humans learned how to speak, we already know that guys have huge egos. They just haven't assigned a word to it yet. But you must be wondering, (girls especially), what is ego anyways? Why is it that sometimes men's ego gets in the way of expressing how we really feel and stuff?

Well, wonder no more, coz Geekazoid's making a tutorial on ego. Men's ego to be exact. Girls pun ada jugak, but I'm not so sure how it works.

In general, our hearts, not the one pumping blood, the heart that supposedly feels emotions, are all the same, regardless of gender. Its very sensitive, or in plain words, its fragile.



But men, being the proud creatures that we are, don't like to appear fragile or broken or weak. This is where ego comes in. Ego kinda protects the heart from being affected by emotions that are considered weak or girly like love, sadness. Its kinda like a bodyguard to the heart, protecting it from being vulnerable.



At most times its a very efficient bodyguard, always keeping cool, protecting the heart from being hurt. Ego is usually even more protective of the heart with new people, because nobody likes strangers. But once you get to know the new person, ego eases up a bit and lets the heart explore a little. But sometimes it takes awhile for ego to open up.



Ego does have its weaknesses though. One, it may be TOO overprotective, thus pushing away the people that wants to find a way into our hearts.



Secondly, it lets its guard down with the people that can hurt us the most, the people we care about the most. Which sometimes sucks bad.



So when this happens, ego sometimes feels overly responsible for not doing his job. so he becomes even more protective then before. this is what we called a bruised ego. It is in this stage that there isn't much that ANYONE can say to calm ego down, so just say words of comfort, don't agitate ego any more than you already have, and let him settle down on his own.



and that's about all there is to know about ego. its not that hard to understand. so in return, try to be more understanding rather than be all emo and whatnot when some guy is being all egoistic on you. there's usually a reason. maybe he knows you can hurt him, so he builds his shields up so you can't. maybe you did something before that makes him slightly more cautious now.

we men aren't so complicated. women on the other hand, fuh, im not sure girls really understand themselves that well, but they're expecting guys to be understanding. lol.

till next time, peace. :)

Sleepless night.

I can't sleep.

Probably due to my bloated stomach.

I've got to wake up at 4 30 tomorrow. And at 2 am, I cant sleep.

Maybe that dream woke me up.

Yes, I had a dream. Someone was getting dumped.

No it was not me, that was doing the dumping, or the one being dumped.

It seemed like I was observing from afar. Maybe stalking from afar.

At least that's what my heart is telling me.

Funny, how I dream about other people.

Its really funny when you think about.

How humans really need other humans in order to survive.

Would someone die if he had no contact whatsoever with another human?

Probably not.

Would he go crazy by the time he died?

Probably.

Plus, the first human ever, before being sent down to Earth, lived in Heaven.

He had all that he could possibly want there, yet he felt as if something was amiss.

He felt.. alone. So God created him a partner, to keep him company.

I guess its programmed inside our brains.

We need a partner in life, one from the opposite gender.

After all, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

This has almost nothing to do with what I dreamt earlier.

I'm just killing time.

I said recently that I feel like disappearing. I meant it.

Not disappear as in "missing persons" disappear, just keeping under the radar.

I don't know why. Sometimes I just feel like it.

Despite efforts, I can't seem to go back the way I was 10 years ago.

No social life whatsoever, always stuck in front of the computer.

And I was happy. I had no interest in going out whatsoever.

I went to the movies with my family, and thats about it.

Did not hang out with friends outside of school.

10 years ago, I was in Form 2. I was 12 throughout my Form 2.

Yes, its surprising, but I skipped standard 4 and I was born in December.

So yes, I was 12 years old when I was in Form 2.

I was 15 when I did my SPM. Only about a week later did I turn 16.

I finished my matriculation when I was 17.

I graduated and went for my convocation before my 22nd birthday.

Compared to most of my peers, I'm always the youngest.

Although its just a one year difference, some people never made me forget it.

Not in a positive way.

I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me. Confidence-wise, I was pretty much screwed back then.

See, if you're a younger girl, apparently guys dig that, so you're good.

But if you're a younger boy, girls don't really dig that so much.

And this fact was made clear to me, especially so by the girl I was kinda sorta going out with when I was in matriculation.

FYI, was never my gf, but close. (disclaimer in case pesky cousins still read my blog. haha)

She kept pointing out the fact that I was younger. Said that my immaturity was due to this one year gap between us.

In my opinion I think it was her that was being immature.

But in the end I think she did fall for me. And I did fall for her.

But only in the beginning. I found out she wasn't what I wanted.

So after matriculation, we went our separate ways, to put it politely.

Anyways, this wasn't what I wanted to talk about.

Sometimes I felt as if life went by faster than it should.

Because of people like this, life went too fast, and all too slow at the same time.

But after awhile, I became more mature, and these things don't bother me as much.

'As much' being the key word(s) here.

In case any pesky cousins are reading, no I don't have a gf, I've had close friends, but no gfs.

Close calls, but no gfs. Haha.

(Mungkin boleh sebarkan berita ini kepada family Haji Arshad supaya tak ada la tiap2 kali family gathering asyik kena tanya soalan sama je.)

Okay i should be trying to go back to sleep again. I need to wake up in another hour.

And I will disappear from the online world for a bit. Just for fun. Just to see how long I can last.

So, till we meet again. Take care. All the best. Sleep tight. Sweet dreams.

Peace.