To live, to die and in between.

I am 30 years old today.

I wonder how much longer I have to live.

And I wonder what else God has planned for me in that time.

There are days when I feel each second lasts too long. And there are times I wonder where the hours went.

I wonder sometimes whether I'm living my life how it should be lived. Whether I'm wasting the life God has given me.

My grandmother passed away recently. She lived to a ripe old age of 90.

Her death is a very strong reminder to our family, that we're not going to be here forever. Even if sometimes it feels like that.

Every now and then my mind randomly thinks about her, and for a moment I'd feel sad, but in the end, I feel like she's in a better place. 

I think the whole family feels that. 

I used to be quite afraid to say what I felt, and somewhere deep inside I felt weak for that.

In part this blog was created because of that. Because I had things in my head that I wished to say out loud, but could not due to some reason, or did not have anyone to say it to.

Nowadays, it is the opposite. 

I say what I mean and I mean what I say, often times without thinking of the consequences.

I sometimes say or do things people are thinking, but are afraid of doing.

I now sometimes wonder if that's a good thing.

My wife tells me I should always evaluate your audience; very few people want to hear the ugly truth.

Most of us live in denial, and we're happy with that.

I've realized that due to my brutal honesty sometimes, not everyone wants to be friends.

I've probably lost a few potential friends along the way because of this.

We are who we are, at the end of the day. Even if I wanted to be this nice friendly person that everyone liked, it probably goes against my true self.

I never was very good at lying, even less so when I need to lie to myself.

I'm happy with who I turned out to be. Everyone has their flaws, and it is our own personal struggle to overcome our flaws until the day we die.

Till the next one.

Contradiction

I always have things to say, yet when I write them down, they never sound quite as nice as I would like them to.

Perhaps it's not something I'm gifted with. Perhaps it's the introvert. Who can tell.

I'm not entirely sure what changed, but I never have the urge to write anymore.

I feel like it is wisdom, and it is age.

Age has made me into a mostly quiet person, not really caring whether he makes friends or keeps to himself.

Wisdom, which came with age, has taught me that not everything I think needs to be said, even less so shall actually benefit the human race.

I've realized that I'm most likely not as special as I thought / think I am, but life has taught me that if I put my mind to it, I can achieve what I thought was previously impossible.

I contradict myself quite often.

Perhaps that's where the secret of the world lies. In contradiction.

We try to make sense using our limited minds on what is right and what is wrong, perhaps we won't ever realize that maybe when both right and wrong are the same, is when we find the truth we seek.

In order to go beyond the limits of our limited mind, we must first discover what those limits are. What binds us to this passing plane, and what sets us free. Once we know ourselves, only then can we begin to comprehend what is beyond our understanding.

One can only imagine, and hope for the best.

Magic

It has been awhile, has it not?

I've been busy. With unexpected matters.

Unexpected, but not unpleasant.

I consider myself very lucky indeed.

Or perhaps it was always meant to be.

More proof that we can't really predict what God has in store for us.

I was quite ready to move on.

Turn over a new page.

But something made me stay.

Something unwritten, something unsaid.

Perhaps it was blind hope.

Amidst all the confusion, who can tell?

But before the departure, I was sure.


There was something there that wasn't there before.

Try as I might, it was something I couldn't ignore.


And while we were apart, that feeling just felt stronger.

Is it because distance makes the heart grow fonder?


Whatever it was, I knew I wanted her near.

And when I came back, everything became clear.

Though I was too silly to see it, perhaps out of fear.


The walls have come down, she's letting me in.

The next chapter in this story was about to begin.


I've loved her for what felt like an eternity.

And now finally she says that she loves me.


I'm over the moon, I'm beyond ecstatic.

Every day from then feels like magic.


But we're still human, sometimes we bicker, sometimes we fight.

Deep down inside, I know we'll get thru it alright.


I apologize sincerely for all my imperfections,

Know that upsetting you is never my intention.


I better stop before the other readers barf,

but I honestly feel I've found my other half.


You truly are the love of my life,

and I look forward to making you my wife.

My previous posts (assuming other people still read it) have been quite depressing, and it annoys me that I can't write any posts while happy (which is partly why there have not been any new posts for quite awhile), so I decide to go crazy and write something like this.

I smile by myself sometimes thinking of the weird twists of fate that led me to this point in my life. And I often wonder what would've happened if the circumstances were even the slightest bit different. Would things have not turned out the way they did?

It is a scary thought.

I used to think I was quite brave, very few things scare me. But now I realize I'm just human. I was just not exposed to the things normal people are scared of.

I am still new to this whole serious relationship thing, but I'm learning and trying to make it work. I realize that I still have a long way to go. Perhaps it is a lifelong learning process. I feel like it is.

I started writing this yesterday, and even in this short period of time, there has been changes in my mindset. I suppose we all are constantly evolving, and thus why we need to constantly adapt.

I have learnt a lot about myself and about her along the way as well. She surprises me, and I surprise myself as well at times. Much to learn, we both have.

Pray for us.

Peace.

Ad hoc

What shall I complain about next.

I was so engrossed in one problem, I did not realize the rug was slowly being pulled from underneath me.

And at the very last moment, tugged with such force that it made me fall on my back.

Stunned.

Unsure of how to react.

Life never goes the way you planned it.

You can never plan for the things you did not anticipate.

We are limited in our knowledge of things that would happen.

I'm overthinking it.

Coupled with the other problem, my brain is a downright mess right now.

It did not affect me that badly in the beginning, but now that I let it, I can't seem to break free of these shackles on my brain.

I need to realize in both problems, there is almost nothing I can do that I have not already done, and just see things through.

Such a mess, I am.

How did I become this way.

I had no problems whatsoever in life. I was just minding my own business.

And then life decided to take a turn for the worse.

You could say that I was partly to blame. Yes, that's true.

But I don't believe I had a choice.

Enough thinking. There's been too much of that already.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to live my life as carefree as can be.

No more pointless non-stop pondering on what would be the best course of action.

No more ridiculous imaginings of fictitious scenarios.

No more of all these nonsense that make me stressed out for no real reason.

No more stressing out on what could be, what might be, and what will be.

I shall live my life the way it should be lived.

In reality. Not in my head.

Whatever happens, happens.

Plans work only to a certain extent.

Time to live in the moment.

Peace.

_____________________________________________________________

After posting this initially, I decided to read some of my posts from the previous months, and I'm so glad I did. I was an absolute wreck back then. This is nothing. I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be fine. Also, reading the previous posts makes me feel like such a sap, so that means I've recovered tremendously well. Yeay! Here's to further improvement in my mental health. Haha.

Confused

I am now confused.

I must profess, I thought I got this whole thing figured out.

But seems I don't.

Seems there's things happening that I don't understand.

I thought that the story was over.

That I should just move on as quickly as I can.

But perhaps that was only the beginning.

A few weeks ago, she started to get closer.

We start to text more. We talk on the phone more.

We talk about more things.

At first I thought she's just being nice.

Perhaps trying to comfort me, soften the blow, so to speak.

But I find myself at times comforting her.

Nothing a friend wouldn't do, I thought.

Do I find myself being closer to her now than before?

Yes, but that's probably just a friend thing, nothing more.

She still doesn't see me in that way, I thought.

But there's something else there.

Something that was not there before.

The way she looks at me. The way she talks to me.

The words that she uses.

How we'd go out as a group and when we walk I'd find her next to me.

The way she grabs my arm.

The way she rests her head on my shoulder for the briefest of moment.

As if wanting something, but not wanting to show it.

Truth be told, I shrugged it off as her being overly friendly at first.

Like I said, as I understand it, she said no. And that was the end of it.

But when other people start noticing it, I began to wonder.

Maybe something did change.

Maybe there's still hope.

And that made me happy.

But afraid at the same time.

Perhaps I'm just fooling myself.

Perhaps it's just wishful thinking.

But if there's even the tiniest chance, I know I could not help myself.

So I waited. And waited.

Until I could not hold it in any longer.

So I asked.

I asked if there was something there.

Or if I'm just imagining things.

You did not give me an answer.

Neither a yes or a no.

Which has left me saddened and confused.

Not a particularly spectacular combo.

My mind is on overdrive, trying to decipher every single word, every single action.

But in the end, I can only guess.

I can't ever have a final answer.

Now it feels like the walls that were crumbling, are now being rebuilt.

You hide behind them, as you did before.

Perhaps you're afraid. And I do not blame you if you are.

I only wish you'd give it a try. An actual earnest try.

But for now, I find myself waiting outside these walls.

Hoping. Waiting. Wishing.

You'd let me in someday.

Peace.

Fine Line

Ever since I started exercising regularly, I feel significantly more energetic. 

I find myself driven to do things I normally wouldn't do.

I went on the world's fastest roller coaster, and the roller coaster with the world's tallest loop.

I'd never imagine myself doing this sort of thing. People change I suppose.

I want to go skydiving next! Haha crazy. No solid plans, just dreams for now.

I'm doing a whole lot of travelling this year. Business and leisure. Good stuff.

I'm now in a complicated situation socially, where I'm trying to be friends with someone that said no to me. 

For me right now, there is a very fine line between being just friends and letting those old feelings take control again.

At times this does feel stupid. But, I don't have much of a choice. I can't sever ties.

We're in a very closely-knit group. At least that's what I tell myself most of the time.

Maybe a small part of me doesn't want to break it off completely.

That's most likely it. 

I'm no longer sad. But the feeling I have for her lingers on.

I don't know how to get rid of it.

I don't think I ever will.

Unless I find someone else or she does.

And maybe then it will still be there.

How horrible that must be like.

I try not to think too much about it. 

A colleague commented that I'm quieter now. I appear to be lost in thought.

He asked me whether I was thinking about work, or thinking about love.

There's not much to think about both really. But the mind does wander.

Him and me, we have very different personalities.

He's 14 years my senior. He's more of a perfectionist and a extrovert. Very passive personality.

Annoys me to the max when it comes to work. 

Undecisive, slow, overthinks things.

Too nice sometimes.

Very different ways of working. I do not want to be like him 14 years from now.

However, he does teach me a lot about patience. Which I have very little for when it comes to work.

He also teaches me how to be more detail-oriented. Which is time-consuming but definitely a valuable trait to have.

Also, he probably has a more likeable personality to most people. Which is definitely something I can work on. Lol.

That's about all I can think of right now. Keeping it short this time round.

Peace.

Insanity

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

If that's true, I might be a bit cuckoo.

A small part of me is still hoping for something to change.

When nothing has changed.

The feeling is fading.

But a stubborn part still clings on.

Life's too short to cry over spilled milk.

Kuwait has put that in perspective.

Life's too short. Seize the day.

But I'm only human. Poke me and I bleed.

Hopefully this will be over soon enough.

Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking?

Can a wound heal if you keep pouring salt in it?

Haha.

Sometimes I laugh at the ridiculous scenarios I put myself in.

Does that make sense to you?

Does that make me crazy?

If only you knew.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I can't be someone I'm not.

That's the only thing I can be.

Am I insane for not changing?

Or perhaps I'm insane for hoping someone can accept that.

Truly, what a crazy feeling, this thing called love.

It can make you happier than you could possibly imagine.

And it can also scar you for the rest of your life.

I'm glad it happened. Sincerely.

I did not know I could love someone so intensely.

And I did not realize how awful it would be to not receive it in return.

Somehow I'm smiling now.

Now I know what bittersweet is.

Peace.

All things considered

All things considered, I think I'm doing well so far.

It's taking me some time to move on.

It's difficult.

Very difficult.

Sometimes the heart does stupid things.

Sometimes it tells you to do stupid things, in pursuit of happiness.

When things don't go the way it hoped it would, it becomes sad.

The logical thing to do would be to move on.

Move away from the sadness.

Leave it behind.

But sometimes, the heart wants to be sad.

It's illogical. Totally irrational.

But it is what it is.

The heart wants to remain sad.

The heart forces you to remember the good times you've had.

How happy you were.

How awful it is you've lost that thing you so badly cherish.

Sneakily, it never remembers the bad things.

The awful things you had to put up with.

Selective amnesia.

The mind is a powerful thing, but sometimes it's rendered powerless.

It cannot help but succumb to such strong emotions.

And you can't help but feeling helpless, you feel weak.

Unable to do anything but feel immense sadness and foolishness.

In moments of clarity, yes it does make you feel like such a fool.

To allow yourself to be this vulnerable.

To permit yourself to be hurt.

To place your happiness on such a non-tangible and uncertain thing.

But it is the way the world works.

You were not the first, and you shall not be the last.

The only way forward is to embrace it.

Embrace the sadness. Embrace the foolishness.

Embrace the pain. Embrace the weakness.

But never lose yourself in it.

Know that everything happens for a reason, and this too shall pass.

Know that you are meant to overcome this.

Know that you will.

Know that you will be a better person after.

Stronger. Wiser. More compassionate.

I feel like such a sap writing this. But the writing helps.

Perhaps it's the old age. Haha.

Peace.

This too shall pass

When one door closes, another door opens.

The open door, it pulls me. Unintentionally.

I try to resist.

It is unfamiliar. It is complicated.

Uncharted territory.

Staying stagnant is safer.

So I stared from afar.

And denied my feelings.

Until the agony was unbearable.

I mustered whatever courage I had.

I have stepped through the open door.

And I find myself falling.

With no end in sight.

Not yet.

--------------------------------------------------------

It felt like forever.

Sometimes I enjoyed it. Very much so.

Sometimes I dreaded the experience. Expecting the worse.

It is unclear. Well, it was unclear.

I finally saw the ground, and there was nothing there to soften the blow.

I crashed. I'm broken. I'm hurt.

In some ways I am glad.

The uncertainty was killing me from the inside.

But the crash is killing me both in and out.

I am scattered across the landscape.

I slowly pick myself up, piece by piece.

Life must go on. There is no moment of respite.

I put on my fake smile, and I go about my day as a normal man.

Barely keeping it together.

There are parts of me that hate this immensely.

How foolish was I to fall. To let myself fall.

Yet a small voice reminds me of how this needed to happen.

There was no other way for me to follow.

Ah, the mind can always argue reason and logic, but the heart wants what it wants.

There is no logic, no reasoning to it.

It just is.

I am haunted by what could've been.

I struggle to push away these nightmares I have in my waking moment.

Ironically sleep is my only solace.

In time this too shall pass.

Stress-induced stupidity

People say that everything happens for a reason. Problem is, you don't know what the reason is. And worse, you may see why things need to happen the way they do, but that doesn't mean you like it. It's hard to be rational when 'bad' things happen to you.

One way of looking at things is to acknowledge that God knows what's best for you. What might seem as a bad thing could prove to be a good thing in the long run, or prevent worse things from happening.

But sometimes you get so caught up with the bad things, you can't cheer yourself up even when you try to think positively. You get caught in this never-ending cycle of sadness and misery. I suppose that's what you call depression.

It's scary. Sometimes you just know if you keep having the same thoughts over and over again, you'll be stuck in that sadness and you can't be happy again and you won't be able to function normally again.

It helps to have a distraction. Friends, family, hobbies. Even if you don't feel like it, you must do it. Especially so if you start feeling like the things you normally enjoy doing are no longer fun.

When you're depressed, you always think about the negatives, you can't think of a single positive thing. But if you distract your mind from the sadness, sooner or later you will see the positive side or at least learn to cope with the sadness.

I've been forced to deal with certain events that have caused me a great deal of sorrow and stress, and I feel that after overcoming the unwanted feelings, I have a greater appreciation for my normal everyday life.

My boring routine life might not be as exciting as other people's lives, but at the very least life is easy and relatively stress-free.

I now have this tendency of loathing what I write, which is why I haven't updated this blog in awhile. I'd write something I think is worth writing, but when I finish and read it, I'd feel like yuck what is this nonsense.

The purpose of this post is to kinda like help people that are stressed out get unstressed, but now that I've sort of finished, I feel like it's such a stupid post. Haha.

To be fair, when I started writing this post few weeks ago, I was still stressed, so I connected with what I wrote, but now, the words don't really talk to me anymore.

I'm a private person, I generally don't publicize my thoughts and feelings. And when I write something here, I feel exposed and vulnerable. Somewhat embarrassed.

Which is why I don't share this blog with people. If I happen to write something absolutely stupid, no one will know. And I do a lot of stupid things when I'm alone.

Example of a stupid thing is posting something online and expecting it to remain private. Pfft.

Right now I would say I'm not longer stressed out, but I no longer have the motivation to work.

It's stupid, I know, I should count my blessings that I still have a job in these troubled times, but ah, humans, we're never really happy with what we have, are we?

The grass is always greener on the other side. Even though here in the Middle East it's probably artificial grass. Lol.

Sometimes it feels like life is so difficult, you can't help but wonder why does it need to be so difficult and when will things start getting better.

But nothing in life worth having comes easy and it is that difficult path that will make success taste all the more sweeter.

Here's to toughing it out through trying times, and learning to appreciate whatever joy there is to have.

Peace.

incoherent thoughts

it feels good to be home. to be with family.

i don't want to stay there for too long.

not because i don't like it.

i'm afraid i might like it too much.

and not want to leave.

must sort out priorities.

i should not be having too much fun.

life is not all about what I want.


gosh i should probably prep myself for this whole settling down thing.

made very little progress there i believe.

but there is progress.

maybe the stars will align and everything will be smooth-sailing, so to speak.

we'll see.


i'm glad i made that leap.

i've changed.

for the better i hope.

there's plenty more work to be done.

but i feel like i'm a better person now.

this is not the ego talking.

apparently there is such a thing as being confident, and humble at the same time.

its called being truthful, to yourself, and to others.


i must learn to see others in a better light, instead of assuming the worst.

not everyone is as bad as you paint them to be, only misunderstood.


peace.

Funny

Now that I've overcome my post balik-kampung depression (yes, that's an actual thing), I shall now be more cheerful in my writing.

...

...

Oh dear, this is difficult. I had no idea I am such a downer.

Let's see. Happy stuff.

Erm...

Well...

For starters, we're still alive.

So that's good. Yeah.

Ok that was lame.

I never have anything really interesting to say unless it's something very serious and technical / sciency or whatever.

But those things are the things that interest me. So I consider them interesting.

Sometimes it's true, ignorance is bliss.

I consider myself educated.

And when I see people being ignorant or prejudiced, it just irks me so.

And I go start an online argument trying to educate people using facts, logic and sense.

Which is pretty funny when you think about it.

Not 'haha' type of funny, like 'what the hell was he thinking' type of funny.

As if people on the Internet actually used common sense. Haha.

Back when I was younger, I thought all jokes applied to all people.

So I once told a dirty joke to a couple of girls.

They were not impressed. And there I was thinking why aren't they laughing. Lol.

It got really awkward after that.

I am generally a bit awkward when it comes to social interactions.

But as you grow older, you learn to hide the awkwardness.

And you become more confident.

I remember there was one time I met some friends of a friend of mine.

"This is Yasin," my friend introduced me.

And one girl, being a real extrovert I suppose, blurted out, "Uu, handsome."

I was totally caught off-guard by this comment.

"Err... OK," I said, all cool-like. (No, not cool at all.)

"I'm pretty," she said without blinking.

"WTF this girl is super confident of herself! Am I supposed to compliment you now? Is this how this works? I am so confused!" I said to myself internally.

During this internal conversation, I just froze and stared at this girl for a few seconds.

Luckily, the conversation moved on from the very strange first words and my friend and I sat down somewhere else.

It was later in the day that I found out that the girl's name was Priti.

OMG EPIC FAIL.

Like how the heck was I supposed to know that was her name. I blame her for throwing me off with that handsome comment. I'm sure she was just trying to be nice.

And I blame her parents for naming her with an adjective. Hahaha.

Oh well.

I'm trying to become a more supportive person.

Sometimes being completely honest with people may not be the best policy.

Things I've learnt in the past:

If anyone asks whether a baby is cute or not, always say "OMG SO CUTE!"

Never say "I thought Benjamin Button was fictitious."

(Obviously, I'm not that stupid, but I did say the baby looked like an adult or something.)

Okay maybe sometimes I am stupid.

Whenever a girl complains about her life to you, the proper response would be to nod and say "I completely agree."

The wrong thing to do would be to come up with a logical plan to actually solve her problem.

Coz then you'd get into an argument because girls are irrational and hormonal and when they tell you something they're not really looking for an answer / solution, they just want you to be supportive of them even when they're wrong.

And also never say they're being irrational or hormonal coz that would lead to another argument about how men always demean and condescend women to pure hormonal / emotional creatures when they are totally capable of separating emotion and thought even though that's not really true.

I'd go on and on about this, but key point, agree and nod, you'll be fine.

You don't have to be right all the time.

To support someone when he's right is easy. To support him when he's wrong, that's the true test.

Sometimes we do stupid things for people we care about.

But it'd be stupider not to do the stupid things.

Nothing in life worth having comes easy.

Peace.

Bewilderment.

it's weird.

the roads that were all too familiar before.

feels foreign now.

all that's left is that distant memory.

i used to live here.

i drove on this road almost everyday.

now i don't drive.

and i live somewhere else.

don't get me wrong.

i like it here.

very much so.

but there's no place like home.

of course, no one's forced me to come here.

i came here because i wanted to know.

i wanted to see.

i wanted to hear.

i wanted to feel.

and now i do.

i know things i couldn't have possibly known before.

i've seen things i probably wouldn't have had the chance previously.

i used to hear people talk, now i'm telling the stories.

and i feel a myriad of emotions.

things i'd never thought i'd feel.

when you pack up your life and leave for a distant foreign land to start fresh, you'd surprise yourself.

i wanted to push myself outside my comfort zone, and i managed to do so exceptionally well.

when i first got here, i've never felt so lost, so out of place.

i felt like buying the first ticket back home.

when i arrived it was night time, so i couldn't see much.

i remember waking up the morning after in my hotel room.

it was then when it hit me.

i'm thousands of miles away from anywhere i've ever been.

i'm thousands of miles away from anyone i've ever known.

i've never even travelled alone outside the country..

but i decided to jump on a plane and move to God knows where and live there.

took a couple of hours for me to really process the whole situation.

i remember taking a peek through the curtains out the window.

i saw some cars parked behind the hotel, and presumably a Pakistani man (from his clothing) going about his business.

i don't know what i expected to see.

probably was looking for some semblance of similarity in an otherwise alien location.

people always see the glitz and glamour of living abroad.

the selfies with iconic landmarks in the background.

the high-roller lifestyle you're supposedly living.

social media is not so different from mainstream media.

it is merely a portrayal of what the producer wants you to see.

what you don't see is the loneliness of being far from anyone you've held dear.

the struggles of trying to fit in into a different culture / way of thinking.

this huge gamble you've made on the course of your life.

but i'd say it's a risk worth taking.

once in a lifetime opportunity.

i took it. and it paid off.

and now i'm looking for my next adventure. haha.

we shall see where life takes us.

anything outside your normal routine is an adventure that will lead you to new and exciting discoveries.

you just need to take that first step.

peace.

Let The Days

Let the days go as they please
And be optimistic when destiny decrees
Do not despair due to the events of nights past
For the events of this world were not meant to last

And be a man who, in the face of fear is strong
With loyalty and forbearance adorned
And if your mistakes are many amongst the folk
And you wish to have for those mistakes a cloak

Then conceal them with generosity as hence
Every fault is covered as –  is said- by benevolence
And do not show weakness to an enemy
For dispersion of foes is a calamity

Generosity cannot be hoped from the miserly
For no water exists in the Fire for the thirsty
And your rizq will not decrease though late it may arrive
And it will not increase though one may slave and strive

No sadness lasts forever, nor any felicity
Nor any state of poverty or one of luxury
If you are the owner of a heart that is content
Then you and the owner of the world are equivalent

And for him upon whose horizon death descends,
No earth can offer him protection, nor any sky defend
The earth of Allah is certainly vast and infinite
But if decree descends, then all the sky constricts

Let the days betray every once in a while
For there is no medicine that will protect from death

A poem by Imam Shafi'e
[Translation by Ammar Al Shukry]

Silly opinion.

I think wishing someone Merry Christmas does not make me a Christian. It does not make me believe that Jesus is the Son of God, it is only me wishing the person an enjoyable holiday. It does not go beyond that. Same way I feel when non-Muslims greet me with salam and when they wish me Selamat Hari Raya. I don't think they are accidentally Muslims now.

But this is just a silly opinion from a silly person with no religious basis whatsoever.

I've thought up of my new year's resolutions.

And it will be quite interesting if I manage to achieve them.

But I'm keeping these close to the chest.

Sorry.

But enough about me.

Let's talk about the world that we live in.

It's perfect in all its imperfections. As contradictory as that may be.

And yes, that is the correct way of using apostrophes with the word 'it'.

I've googled that so many times.

Grammar nazi.

Although I'm uncertain whether I'm spelling apostrophes correctly.

Have I ever mentioned that I like poetry?

I'm not that crazy about them, but I do appreciate them whenever I stumble upon them.

I don't think I'm that good with writing them though.

Can't be good at everything.

Heh.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks at work, glad to see the deadlines are met.

On to more chillaxed working environment.

I was supposed to talk about this world we live in, but I meandered.

I've often thought how different people are to each other.

And I used to think how the world would be like if everyone was exactly like me.

Then I realised that that would be a pretty boring world.

But if everyone was that very fun guy at the office for example, the world would be absolutely chaotic.

No work would be done, everyone would just be talking about how good they are.

But everyone would be having fun though.

So my conclusion is, despite all our good attributes, we have bad attributes as well.

And other people, with their flaws, they have their redeeming qualities as well.

So the mixture of imperfections actually makes the world a better place.

And it goes the same for everything that goes on in this teeny tiny world.

Imagine if there was no war, only peace.

Imagine if there were no natural disasters.

Imagine if there were no diseases.

You know what would happen?

Overpopulation.

We'd probably have no place to live before long.

The world would probably turn barren before long.

But again this is just a silly opinion from a silly person.

In conclusion, there are things in life that just annoys the heck out of you.

There are things that will downright piss you off.

But that's life.

There's always going to be more ideal conditions, there's always going to be much nicer people to be around.

But things could be a whole lot worse.

Key to happiness is to always focus on how lucky you've got it, but never forget how things can be better.

That way, you're continuously pushing yourself to be the best you can, and you'll not grow complacent in your comfy comfort zone. When things go bad, you won't be so disappointed, and when things do go your way, you'll be pleasantly surprised and grateful.

Pessimists will say this sort of stuff will never work.

Shit, if you don't try you'll never know.

Personally, I think it does work.

I'm content with life.

I've found..

Peace.

Aspiring yet uninspiring poet

A young heart, an old soul
Always on guard, forever cold
A silent bard, with stories untold
As thoughts are scarred, with dreams on hold

Wants and Needs.

Is wanting something a part of being human?

I think so.

No matter how happy and how satisfied you are with your life, deep down inside, most likely, secretly, you still have that teeniest tiniest desire for something.

Something other than what you already have.

If you're a student for example, probably would want to pass the exams with flying colours.

Then after passing the exam, you'd want to graduate.

After graduating, you'd want a good job.

After getting a good job, you'd want car, house, marriage, kids, more money, more kids, better job....

List goes on and on.

If you're not looking something else, you're looking for more of something you already have.

More money. More fun. More health. More food. More kids.

More than one wife. Lol.

It's a whole lot easier to learn to be content with what you have.

But that's easier said than done.

Money can't buy happiness.

I've personally met people that has loads of money, but live miserable lives.

But you can't say money doesn't help in achieving happiness.

I've never met anyone that becomes sad when he gets money.

Money isn't everything, but everything is money.

Question : is it wrong to want more than what you already have?

Some people label this as being ungrateful.

I know some people have labelled me as being ungrateful for leaving the country.

Yet commenting on people's lives in Malaysia.

People can be real assholes sometimes.

It's as if when I took this new job, I'm now swimming in a pool of gold coins and am suddenly out of touch with what normal people go through in Malaysia.

That middle-income trap people are yakking on about? Yeah, been there, done that.

And believe me when I say this, Malaysians are one of the luckiest people on earth, but we're too busy looking at how great other countries are supposedly are, that we become so hateful to the land we are born in.

Yes, our country isn't the safest country in the world.

Yes, our country isn't the richest country in the world.

Yes, our country isn't the most (insert attribute here) in the world.

But it sure as hell isn't the worst. Yet we act like it is.

When I strive for something better, it only means that I'm working towards a goal and has nothing to do whatsoever with how grateful or ungrateful I am.

If I feel hungry and work towards finding food to feed myself, would that be considered as ungrateful? Following some people's logic, I should be grateful that I have a stomach to feel hungry with, as some people don't have stomachs due to them being removed for whatever reason.

So if I have food, if I look for better tasting food, would that make me ungrateful? Hell no.

But if I curse and I whine and I complain constantly about how sucky my food is and how I express with extreme clarity how I dearly wish for better tasting food, then I feel these are the characteristics of an ungrateful person.

At least that's how I feel.

If anything, getting more means I am even more grateful.

Although I sometimes forget.

But my gratefulness to God does not disappear with me not getting what I want.

But it does increase when I do get what I want.

I am only human. This is how we are.

I wanted to talk about something else in this post, but suddenly this topic crossed my mind. Oh well.

A thought crossed my mind the other day.

Do I really need to own a house?

I mean sure, it would be ideal to actually own a piece of property that you could call your own.

But economically, is it really worth it?

You're bound to a huge loan that you will only pay off once you're significantly older.

Forget for a moment that house prices go up each year. Coz so long as you're not selling the house, you're not really making any money.

Think about how much you would pay for a house on a monthly basis, and compare that with how much it would probably cost you to rent it.

As opposed to a car for example, it's definitely more worth it to buy a car, rather than rent one, because the rent rate is WAY higher.

And technically speaking you do make money with your car as you travel around in it to get to work i.e you can't make money without it.

But according to most people, it is better to invest in a house rather than in a car, because house prices appreciate, and car prices depreciate.

Just my weird way of seeing the world.

Speaking of seeing the world, all goes well I'll be seeing another side of the world in December. Maybe I'll post about it.

Travelling is expensive. No wonder people subtly brag about their travels on Facebook / Twitter / Instagram.

"I  spent shitloads of money coming here and I'm the only one that will know? NO, the WORLD has to know!".

Cue check-in to fancy foreign place, photo album post, tag friends to rub it into their faces.

Or maybe they just wanna share their happiness.

Well, that's it for now. Apologies if I offended anyone reading.

IF anyone is reading this.

Peace.

Heart, mind and body

Hello.

To write and show it to the public leaves your vulnerable.

Sometimes the thought of it can be overwhelming.

I often find myself writing things, but decided they were too personal or too stupid or too whatever to be shared and I don't.

I suppose that means that I'm an introvert? We think a lot, and we speak only when necessary.

Most of the time anyway.

I was lucky enough to be able to visit Madinah recently. It's my second time there.

Being there really puts a few things in perspective.

It being off-peak season now (Hajj season just ended, and most pilgrims have left the country and they haven't opened application for umrah visa), I managed to stay at a 5-star hotel at a relatively cheap price.

Although what counts as a 5-star hotel nowadays is beyond me. But anyways.

When I arrived (it was around 1 am), I checked into the hotel, and I went straight to the mosque for ziarah.

People were sleeping all over the mosque grounds. I don't think most .of them had places to sleep other than the mosque itself.

So it really made me reflect on how lucky I really am.

Also being there made me think on how our environment affects who we are.

Being in Madinah and not wanting to waste the opportunity, I went to the mosque almost every chance I get.

But back in Abu Dhabi, even though there's a mosque right behind my apartment, I seldom pray there.

Only every now and then, to be honest.

I love the environment there. The spirit of the place.

You forget all about work, all about life, and you just focus on your relationship with God.

You wake up, you eat, you pray, you sleep.

Repeat.

There's a definite calming effect to it. Submitting yourself to God.

Life is peaceful when it is kept simple. Nothing to worry about. No trivial pursuits of fortune or other worldly achievements.

Just you minding your own business. Doing what God intended you to be doing in the first place.

Somewhere along the way, we lost ourselves. Our purpose.

We chase things that won't make us happy. We shun the things that will make us happy.

Isn't that really life's biggest test?

To be in the right path, we need to ignore what our brain is saying is the path to happiness, and put our faith completely in God and His Messenger.

To be truthful, it sounds counter-intuitive but that's what it is.

It's what's best for us.

For He knows best.

I'm very philosophical when it comes to these things. I apologize if this is boring you.

This whole working abroad experience has opened my eyes to a lot of things.

Although I think about going home a lot, this adventure I've gotten myself into has definitely changed me and I do not regret taking the leap of faith.

It's a scary thing, packing up and leaving the comforts of your home country, to make a living elsewhere.

You don't know what to expect.

The most simplest of things back home can be extremely difficult to accomplish elsewhere.

Sometimes I feel bewildered and debilitated.

Sometimes you just feel so out of place you just want to be curled up in a fetal position in your bed and let the days past you by.

And sometimes that's exactly what you need to do.

To get rid of that feeling of weakness.

But if you keep on doing that, your life will go to waste.

So sometimes you've gotta slap yourself back to reality and go out and do stuff.

You've come all this way, going out that door and facing the world isn't as tough as it used to be.

You're probably stronger than you give yourself credit for anyways.

So in the end it all depends on you.

You can either let life kick your ass, or you can take charge and grab life by the balls.

And I feel this applies to almost everyone, and not just me.

Well, that's it for now.

Peace.

Mind Maze Worded Weirdly

The feeling is either there or it isn't.

There's no forcing it. 

Do I give up too easily?

Or am I fundamentally flawed? Unable to exist in a long term arrangement?

Forever seeking the excitement of new endeavours?

I'm complicated. 

One of a kind? Heh. I'm sure there's plenty of me out there.

All traipsing through life, without proper purpose, living out the life given.

Foolishly wasting away.

Perhaps this is my destiny. Which among us truly knows?

Hope lives on. As long as the heart stays beating. 

The struggle continues.

There is no escaping ourselves.

We are our own worst enemy.

Forever bound until our dying breath.

Looking back at the bridges burnt, I feel remorse.

What will happen when I stumble onto another hapless bridge? 

Would fear overcome me and I decide to stay on this side?

Or would I still cross in seeking the greener grass?

Move forward and hope for the best.

Sometimes we say things we don't mean, and sometimes I hope I mean the things I say.

Apology is just another to be thrown around, but this one comes sincere.

I wish you a better life. All of you.

It's not me. It's you. 

At least that's what I tell myself.

Peace.

Munafiq

I feel that I am a hypocrite.

I appear to be a decent person to the public. When only God knows how indecent I am when hidden from public sight. And how indecent I am inside my thoughts.

God has spared me of the embarrassment of my true self being exposed to the public. My thoughts are my own.

I try to be a better person. I reflect on myself constantly. I am my own worst critic.

I suppose this is the greater jihad that Rasulullah S.A.W has mentioned in his hadith.

It was narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), said to his companions when they returned from a military campaign, “We have come back from the lesser jihaad to the greater jihaad.” They said, “Is there any greater jihaad than jihaad against the kuffaar?” he said, “Yes, jihaad al-nafs (jihaad against the self).”

It is a never-ending battle. If you think that you are good enough, then you have lost. There is always something there for you to improve.

I am afraid. I would not know where I would end up if I die right this very second. Would I be counted as the faithful? Or would I be sorted amongst the sinners? Wallahu'alam.

And even this fear is not strong enough to lead me away from sin.

May we all be guided towards the true path.

Peace.