Insanity

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

If that's true, I might be a bit cuckoo.

A small part of me is still hoping for something to change.

When nothing has changed.

The feeling is fading.

But a stubborn part still clings on.

Life's too short to cry over spilled milk.

Kuwait has put that in perspective.

Life's too short. Seize the day.

But I'm only human. Poke me and I bleed.

Hopefully this will be over soon enough.

Or perhaps that's just wishful thinking?

Can a wound heal if you keep pouring salt in it?

Haha.

Sometimes I laugh at the ridiculous scenarios I put myself in.

Does that make sense to you?

Does that make me crazy?

If only you knew.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I can't be someone I'm not.

That's the only thing I can be.

Am I insane for not changing?

Or perhaps I'm insane for hoping someone can accept that.

Truly, what a crazy feeling, this thing called love.

It can make you happier than you could possibly imagine.

And it can also scar you for the rest of your life.

I'm glad it happened. Sincerely.

I did not know I could love someone so intensely.

And I did not realize how awful it would be to not receive it in return.

Somehow I'm smiling now.

Now I know what bittersweet is.

Peace.

All things considered

All things considered, I think I'm doing well so far.

It's taking me some time to move on.

It's difficult.

Very difficult.

Sometimes the heart does stupid things.

Sometimes it tells you to do stupid things, in pursuit of happiness.

When things don't go the way it hoped it would, it becomes sad.

The logical thing to do would be to move on.

Move away from the sadness.

Leave it behind.

But sometimes, the heart wants to be sad.

It's illogical. Totally irrational.

But it is what it is.

The heart wants to remain sad.

The heart forces you to remember the good times you've had.

How happy you were.

How awful it is you've lost that thing you so badly cherish.

Sneakily, it never remembers the bad things.

The awful things you had to put up with.

Selective amnesia.

The mind is a powerful thing, but sometimes it's rendered powerless.

It cannot help but succumb to such strong emotions.

And you can't help but feeling helpless, you feel weak.

Unable to do anything but feel immense sadness and foolishness.

In moments of clarity, yes it does make you feel like such a fool.

To allow yourself to be this vulnerable.

To permit yourself to be hurt.

To place your happiness on such a non-tangible and uncertain thing.

But it is the way the world works.

You were not the first, and you shall not be the last.

The only way forward is to embrace it.

Embrace the sadness. Embrace the foolishness.

Embrace the pain. Embrace the weakness.

But never lose yourself in it.

Know that everything happens for a reason, and this too shall pass.

Know that you are meant to overcome this.

Know that you will.

Know that you will be a better person after.

Stronger. Wiser. More compassionate.

I feel like such a sap writing this. But the writing helps.

Perhaps it's the old age. Haha.

Peace.

This too shall pass

When one door closes, another door opens.

The open door, it pulls me. Unintentionally.

I try to resist.

It is unfamiliar. It is complicated.

Uncharted territory.

Staying stagnant is safer.

So I stared from afar.

And denied my feelings.

Until the agony was unbearable.

I mustered whatever courage I had.

I have stepped through the open door.

And I find myself falling.

With no end in sight.

Not yet.

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It felt like forever.

Sometimes I enjoyed it. Very much so.

Sometimes I dreaded the experience. Expecting the worse.

It is unclear. Well, it was unclear.

I finally saw the ground, and there was nothing there to soften the blow.

I crashed. I'm broken. I'm hurt.

In some ways I am glad.

The uncertainty was killing me from the inside.

But the crash is killing me both in and out.

I am scattered across the landscape.

I slowly pick myself up, piece by piece.

Life must go on. There is no moment of respite.

I put on my fake smile, and I go about my day as a normal man.

Barely keeping it together.

There are parts of me that hate this immensely.

How foolish was I to fall. To let myself fall.

Yet a small voice reminds me of how this needed to happen.

There was no other way for me to follow.

Ah, the mind can always argue reason and logic, but the heart wants what it wants.

There is no logic, no reasoning to it.

It just is.

I am haunted by what could've been.

I struggle to push away these nightmares I have in my waking moment.

Ironically sleep is my only solace.

In time this too shall pass.

Stress-induced stupidity

People say that everything happens for a reason. Problem is, you don't know what the reason is. And worse, you may see why things need to happen the way they do, but that doesn't mean you like it. It's hard to be rational when 'bad' things happen to you.

One way of looking at things is to acknowledge that God knows what's best for you. What might seem as a bad thing could prove to be a good thing in the long run, or prevent worse things from happening.

But sometimes you get so caught up with the bad things, you can't cheer yourself up even when you try to think positively. You get caught in this never-ending cycle of sadness and misery. I suppose that's what you call depression.

It's scary. Sometimes you just know if you keep having the same thoughts over and over again, you'll be stuck in that sadness and you can't be happy again and you won't be able to function normally again.

It helps to have a distraction. Friends, family, hobbies. Even if you don't feel like it, you must do it. Especially so if you start feeling like the things you normally enjoy doing are no longer fun.

When you're depressed, you always think about the negatives, you can't think of a single positive thing. But if you distract your mind from the sadness, sooner or later you will see the positive side or at least learn to cope with the sadness.

I've been forced to deal with certain events that have caused me a great deal of sorrow and stress, and I feel that after overcoming the unwanted feelings, I have a greater appreciation for my normal everyday life.

My boring routine life might not be as exciting as other people's lives, but at the very least life is easy and relatively stress-free.

I now have this tendency of loathing what I write, which is why I haven't updated this blog in awhile. I'd write something I think is worth writing, but when I finish and read it, I'd feel like yuck what is this nonsense.

The purpose of this post is to kinda like help people that are stressed out get unstressed, but now that I've sort of finished, I feel like it's such a stupid post. Haha.

To be fair, when I started writing this post few weeks ago, I was still stressed, so I connected with what I wrote, but now, the words don't really talk to me anymore.

I'm a private person, I generally don't publicize my thoughts and feelings. And when I write something here, I feel exposed and vulnerable. Somewhat embarrassed.

Which is why I don't share this blog with people. If I happen to write something absolutely stupid, no one will know. And I do a lot of stupid things when I'm alone.

Example of a stupid thing is posting something online and expecting it to remain private. Pfft.

Right now I would say I'm not longer stressed out, but I no longer have the motivation to work.

It's stupid, I know, I should count my blessings that I still have a job in these troubled times, but ah, humans, we're never really happy with what we have, are we?

The grass is always greener on the other side. Even though here in the Middle East it's probably artificial grass. Lol.

Sometimes it feels like life is so difficult, you can't help but wonder why does it need to be so difficult and when will things start getting better.

But nothing in life worth having comes easy and it is that difficult path that will make success taste all the more sweeter.

Here's to toughing it out through trying times, and learning to appreciate whatever joy there is to have.

Peace.