To live, to die and in between.

I am 30 years old today.

I wonder how much longer I have to live.

And I wonder what else God has planned for me in that time.

There are days when I feel each second lasts too long. And there are times I wonder where the hours went.

I wonder sometimes whether I'm living my life how it should be lived. Whether I'm wasting the life God has given me.

My grandmother passed away recently. She lived to a ripe old age of 90.

Her death is a very strong reminder to our family, that we're not going to be here forever. Even if sometimes it feels like that.

Every now and then my mind randomly thinks about her, and for a moment I'd feel sad, but in the end, I feel like she's in a better place. 

I think the whole family feels that. 

I used to be quite afraid to say what I felt, and somewhere deep inside I felt weak for that.

In part this blog was created because of that. Because I had things in my head that I wished to say out loud, but could not due to some reason, or did not have anyone to say it to.

Nowadays, it is the opposite. 

I say what I mean and I mean what I say, often times without thinking of the consequences.

I sometimes say or do things people are thinking, but are afraid of doing.

I now sometimes wonder if that's a good thing.

My wife tells me I should always evaluate your audience; very few people want to hear the ugly truth.

Most of us live in denial, and we're happy with that.

I've realized that due to my brutal honesty sometimes, not everyone wants to be friends.

I've probably lost a few potential friends along the way because of this.

We are who we are, at the end of the day. Even if I wanted to be this nice friendly person that everyone liked, it probably goes against my true self.

I never was very good at lying, even less so when I need to lie to myself.

I'm happy with who I turned out to be. Everyone has their flaws, and it is our own personal struggle to overcome our flaws until the day we die.

Till the next one.

Contradiction

I always have things to say, yet when I write them down, they never sound quite as nice as I would like them to.

Perhaps it's not something I'm gifted with. Perhaps it's the introvert. Who can tell.

I'm not entirely sure what changed, but I never have the urge to write anymore.

I feel like it is wisdom, and it is age.

Age has made me into a mostly quiet person, not really caring whether he makes friends or keeps to himself.

Wisdom, which came with age, has taught me that not everything I think needs to be said, even less so shall actually benefit the human race.

I've realized that I'm most likely not as special as I thought / think I am, but life has taught me that if I put my mind to it, I can achieve what I thought was previously impossible.

I contradict myself quite often.

Perhaps that's where the secret of the world lies. In contradiction.

We try to make sense using our limited minds on what is right and what is wrong, perhaps we won't ever realize that maybe when both right and wrong are the same, is when we find the truth we seek.

In order to go beyond the limits of our limited mind, we must first discover what those limits are. What binds us to this passing plane, and what sets us free. Once we know ourselves, only then can we begin to comprehend what is beyond our understanding.

One can only imagine, and hope for the best.