Mind Maze Worded Weirdly

The feeling is either there or it isn't.

There's no forcing it. 

Do I give up too easily?

Or am I fundamentally flawed? Unable to exist in a long term arrangement?

Forever seeking the excitement of new endeavours?

I'm complicated. 

One of a kind? Heh. I'm sure there's plenty of me out there.

All traipsing through life, without proper purpose, living out the life given.

Foolishly wasting away.

Perhaps this is my destiny. Which among us truly knows?

Hope lives on. As long as the heart stays beating. 

The struggle continues.

There is no escaping ourselves.

We are our own worst enemy.

Forever bound until our dying breath.

Looking back at the bridges burnt, I feel remorse.

What will happen when I stumble onto another hapless bridge? 

Would fear overcome me and I decide to stay on this side?

Or would I still cross in seeking the greener grass?

Move forward and hope for the best.

Sometimes we say things we don't mean, and sometimes I hope I mean the things I say.

Apology is just another to be thrown around, but this one comes sincere.

I wish you a better life. All of you.

It's not me. It's you. 

At least that's what I tell myself.

Peace.

Munafiq

I feel that I am a hypocrite.

I appear to be a decent person to the public. When only God knows how indecent I am when hidden from public sight. And how indecent I am inside my thoughts.

God has spared me of the embarrassment of my true self being exposed to the public. My thoughts are my own.

I try to be a better person. I reflect on myself constantly. I am my own worst critic.

I suppose this is the greater jihad that Rasulullah S.A.W has mentioned in his hadith.

It was narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), said to his companions when they returned from a military campaign, “We have come back from the lesser jihaad to the greater jihaad.” They said, “Is there any greater jihaad than jihaad against the kuffaar?” he said, “Yes, jihaad al-nafs (jihaad against the self).”

It is a never-ending battle. If you think that you are good enough, then you have lost. There is always something there for you to improve.

I am afraid. I would not know where I would end up if I die right this very second. Would I be counted as the faithful? Or would I be sorted amongst the sinners? Wallahu'alam.

And even this fear is not strong enough to lead me away from sin.

May we all be guided towards the true path.

Peace.