Munafiq

I feel that I am a hypocrite.

I appear to be a decent person to the public. When only God knows how indecent I am when hidden from public sight. And how indecent I am inside my thoughts.

God has spared me of the embarrassment of my true self being exposed to the public. My thoughts are my own.

I try to be a better person. I reflect on myself constantly. I am my own worst critic.

I suppose this is the greater jihad that Rasulullah S.A.W has mentioned in his hadith.

It was narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), said to his companions when they returned from a military campaign, “We have come back from the lesser jihaad to the greater jihaad.” They said, “Is there any greater jihaad than jihaad against the kuffaar?” he said, “Yes, jihaad al-nafs (jihaad against the self).”

It is a never-ending battle. If you think that you are good enough, then you have lost. There is always something there for you to improve.

I am afraid. I would not know where I would end up if I die right this very second. Would I be counted as the faithful? Or would I be sorted amongst the sinners? Wallahu'alam.

And even this fear is not strong enough to lead me away from sin.

May we all be guided towards the true path.

Peace.